This week we study Deuteronomy 3:23–7:11, the portion called Va’etchanan, which continues Moses’ instructions to the Jewish people.  Moses knows he will pass away and the people will enter the holy land, Israel.  He gives over profound wisdom about faith, and reveals some prophetic information about the future.  Famously, this week’s reading contains the second version of the Ten Commandments (Deut 5).

First, Moses recounts that he prayed to God to enter Israel with the Jewish people (3:23).  Our sages explain that Moses’ entreaties were so powerful that God instructed the angels to block the mystical entryways for prayer, and made an oath not to let Moses sway His verdict.  This is a powerful message.  If not for these extra actions, Moses’ prayers would have been effective in modifying a divine decree.  The ancient Medrash Yalkut Shimoni explains:

When Moses saw that the decree had been sealed against him, he went and drew a circle and sat inside it, and said: I am not moving from here until You nullify the decree!
He then wrapped himself in sackcloth and covered himself with ashes, and stood in prayer and supplication before G‑d until the heaven and the earth and the very laws of creation began to tremble, and said: Perhaps the time has come for G‑d to destroy the world?

What did G‑d do at that moment? He announced at every gate of every heaven and at every gate of every court that Moses’ prayer should not be admitted . . . for the voice of Moses’ prayer was like a sword that slices and rips, and which nothing can stop.

Now, I know it is out of style in modern culture to pray.  So I want to call your attention to one detail of prayer in Jewish wisdom, so you can make use of this power without needing to actually pray.

The word for prayer in Hebrew is “tefilah”, the verb “mitpalel”, which is also the word for judgment in reflexive (acting on the self) grammatical form.  Prayer is self judgment.

When we pray, we are judging what we need and want and telling God what we think is good for us, and asking for it.  We are judging our mistakes and asking forgiveness for our errors.  We are evaluating our personal relationship with God and trying to deepen it.

Prayer can be a deeply emotional expression, but in conventional Judaism prayer is more of a intellectual exercise.  To be effective in prayer, you need to think about what you want, acknowledge your own needs, plan what would be good for you.  You also must think about how to compose your prayer and address God.

A man going in front of a human king, president, or prime minister would carefully compose a detailed presentation to gain favor from that leader.  To get what you want in prayer, and in life, requires objective assessment and intelligent planning.

A lot of modern men are simply going with the flow, doing what is easy for other people, and not asserting their needs.  Some men are not even aware of what they want out of life, and spend most of life helping other people accomplish their life goals.  See “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover.

A man doesn’t need to pray (it can help), but a man does need to figure out what he wants out of life and how best to go about getting that.  Jewish prayer is structured to help men do this.  If the idea of prayer is anathema, call it self evaluation.  Try talking to yourself and speak out your plans, ideas, goals.  Work them out with yourself the best you can, then run them by other men who are trying to accomplish and improve.  Use your intellectual powers to optimize your life.

Unique revelation

One of the recurring themes this week is that the Jewish experience of Divine revelation at Sinai was unique in history:

For ask now regarding the early days that were before you, since the day that God created man upon the earth, and from one end of the heavens to the other end of the heavens, whether there was anything like this great thing, or was the likes of it heard?

Did ever a people hear God’s voice speaking out of the midst of the fire as you have heard, and live?

Or has any god performed miracles to come and take him a nation from the midst of another nation, with trials, with signs, and with wonders, and with war and with a strong hand, and with an outstretched arm, and with great awesome deeds, as all that the Lord your God did for you in Egypt before your eyes?

You have been shown, in order to know that the Lord He is God; there is none else besides Him.  (4:32-35). (See also 5:23)

The Jewish experience was unique in that it was a public event.  Not one holy prophet alone in a cave, not a couple of people witnessing what they later claim was a miracle.  No drug induced mass hallucination.  A nation, with over 600,000 men, plus their wives, children, and the people who came out of Egypt along with the Jews.

If the revelation was fake, and Moses was making it up, the people would take him to task.  Jews are the most stubborn people and typically eager to argue.  In addition, Jews love tradition, retelling stories the way grandpa was told by his grandfather in the old country, maintaining ancient family customs because that is the way it was always done.  If Moses, or Joshua, or Ezra centuries later had tried to insert something false into the Bible, the Jewish people would have stoned them.  With over 600,000 families present at Sinai, thousands of angry Jews would have argued against any changes or innovations.

This, incidentally, is one of the proofs against the claim that the moon landings were faked.  Tens of thousands of men and women worked on the space program and Apollo landings.  If the rockets and modules were merely props, someone would have leaked it.  If the astronauts actually walked in a sound stage instead of on the moon, one of the hundreds of people involved in building the set, filming, recording, and editing would have come forward with proof.  With so many thousands involved, you can’t keep a secret.

Stay nimble

When you beget children and children’s children, and you will be long established in the land, and you become corrupt and make a graven image, the likeness of anything, and do evil in the eyes of the Lord your God, to provoke Him to anger  (4:25)

You can get used to anything, good or bad, and begin to feel that it was always like this and will always be like this.  This is an aspect of human nature that God built into us, which can be a power and a danger.  When you start to exercise, it hurts, you get used to then and add weight and reps.

Matrilineal descent

When the Lord, your God, brings you into the land to which you are coming to possess it, He will cast away many nations from before you: the Hittites, the Girgashites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivvites, and the Jebusites, seven nations more numerous and powerful than you.  And the Lord, your God, will deliver them to you, and you shall smite them. You shall utterly destroy them; neither shall you make a covenant with them, nor be gracious to them.

You shall not intermarry with them; you shall not give your daughter to his son, and you shall not take his daughter for your son.  For he will turn away your son from following Me, and they will worship the gods of others, and the wrath of the Lord will be kindled against you, and He will quickly destroy you.  But so shall you do to them: You shall demolish their altars and smash their monuments, and cut down their asherim trees, and burn their graven images with fire (7:1-5)

One of the interesting features of Judaism is matrilineal descent; to wit: if your mother if Jewish, you are Jewish.  A Jewish father and non-Jewish mother have non-Jewish offspring.  This rule is derived from 7:4, which states regarding intermarriage that “he” will turn your son (really grandson) away from God.  This means a male idolater will turn the offspring of the intermarriage away from God.  But a female idolater will not?  Sure she will, but those offspring are not Jewish so the Bible does not warn the Jews about that danger.  We learn from here that a Jewish mother makes Jewish offspring even in intermarriage.

There are many explanations given for this law, one is that God knows that the mother is the main persona in a child’s early development, and that children begin to absorb faith and values at a very young age.  A Jewish mother to a small child instills basic concepts of belief in God, charity, and benevolence.  Young children adore their mothers, sometimes even to an unhealthy extent.  Having the child’s religion follow the mother is a natural reflection of how young are raised in human families.

There is another aspect too.  The Bible displays a deep appreciation for knowing parentage.  This goes so deep that if a married woman (after being warned) was alone with another man, there is a ritual to test her purity and ensure her children are those of her husband.  This is a reflection of how ancient society was repulsed by cuckoldry and valued fatherhood.  On a practical, biological level, when a child is born we know beyond the shadow of a doubt who the mother is.  Therefore, when the mother is Jewish we know the child is Jewish.  This is not necessarily true when only the husband is Jewish, it is possible that she cucked him and the biological father is an idolater.  [Without getting far afield, Jewish law makes a legal presumption that the husband is the father, but there are serious permanent consequences if that is not the case].

However, a child’s tribal affiliation follows after his father.  Your tribe is another vital part of your identity, and a boy’s father is the one who brings him out of the house and into the world of men.  Into the tribe.  In present times most Jews do not know with certainty what their tribe is, except for Kohanim (priests) and Levites.  Jewish priests have been genetically traced back to one man, who we assume to be Aaron, brother of Moses, the first high priest.

It is telling that God instructs the ancient Jews to destroy the idols and accessories just after warning about intermarriage.  I suspect that God knows that some intermarriage is inevitable (hopefully after the other one converts), and is warning the Jews that intermarriage will only be less than disastrous when the infrastructure of idolatry is eliminated from the holy land.  When someone still has their old beliefs and patterns ready to use, they cannot fully accept new assumptions about life.  Judaism is such a break with the idolatrous faiths that God commands a complete destruction of the idols.  However, God did not command the annihilation of the idol worshipers (apart from Midiam and Amalek for specific reasons).  Rather the Jewish people can give them the option of leaving the holy land or remaining but giving up idolatry and accepting Jewish sovereignty.

I am not preaching to modern men to avoid intermarriage.  It is a serious consideration only you can evaluate.  In most cases your life will be easier by marrying within your faith.  Live with your eyes open, be aware of the biases and beliefs other people cling to when you deal with them.  There is a danger that a woman you are interested in who right now appears rational and secular now may later in life feel a need to return to her childhood faith.  People and their emotional needs do change.  Religion remains a useful tool for many people to structure their lives and find comfort in tragedy.  Don’t assume someone who is not religious will always be so.

Today the Talmud discusses bathing and rinsing on Shabbat, and mentions the healing warm waters of Deyomset, a certain place in northern Israel.  The Gemara cites Rabbi Ḥelbo: The wine of Phrygia [Perugaita] and the waters of the Deyomset deprived Israel of the ten lost tribes.  Because the members of these tribes were attracted to the pleasures of fine wine and bathing, they did not occupy themselves with Wisdom, and they were lost.

Any man can get distracted by and even addicted to physical indulgences.  Some faiths believe that a holy man is one who avoids all pleasure and shuns bodily urges.  This is not a wise approach, and is actually taking the easy way out of the key struggle in a man’s life.

Jewish wisdom teaches that the holy man is one who is personally involved in everyday physical life, but instead of being sucked in by pleasures, uses them to serve God.  Our holy men are not sequestered in a monastery silent and abstinent, they are not meditating alone on a mountain.  They socialize, make friends, marry, have children, run businesses, and even ride the subway.

The Gemara notes that once Rabbi Elazar ben Arakh visited Phrygia and Deyomset, and he was drawn after indulgences, and forgot his Torah learning.  His fellow students went to the academy at Yavne while he went on to meet his wife on vacation, per Avot dRebi Natan 14.

Ben Yehoyada brings an expanded tradition of this story stating that he wanted to return to his fellows but his wife said “do mice go to bread or does bread go to mice?”  Meaning that his fellow sages should come to him to learn instead of him leaving since he was greater in wisdom.  Finally the other sages went and brought him back with another metaphor: he was bread and they were a different type of bread.

When he returned to join his fellows, he was called to read from a Torah scroll but could not even read Hebrew words correctly.  This is the same great Rabbi Elazar ben Arakh about whom Rabban Yochanan ben Zakai said, “If all the sages of Israel were placed in one scale, and Eleazar ben Arach in the other, he would outweigh them all”.  This man was focused on the mission of learning and teaching Torah at the highest levels.  And yet, the physical indulgences of wine and bathing in hot springs was able to degrade his wisdom and separate him from his mission.

The Gemara notes that Rabbi Elazar ben Arakh learned from this episode:

And that is what we learned in a mishna that Rabbi Nehorai says:  Exile yourself to a place of Torah and do not assume that it will follow you; if you are in a place of Torah, your colleagues will establish it in your hands, do not rely on your own understanding alone.

It was taught: Rabbi Nehorai was not his real name, but rather Rabbi Neḥemya was his name; and some say that Rabbi Elazar ben Arakh was his real name and his statement was based on his personal experience of forgetting his Torah due to his vacation.  And why was he called Rabbi Nehorai?  It was because he would illuminate the eyes of the Sages in the law.

When you make mistakes, take the lesson.  Every man needs breaks and vacations, but is easy to get distracted and indulge in the temporary pleasures of this world and lose sight of your main mission.  When this happens, learn how to set limits, or get friends to tell you when you are going to far.  A practical example would be a wingman to remind you to stop after a certain number of drinks or provide an objective opinion on your plans.

We should be blessed to use physicality to energize ourselves and avoid the potential traps of indulgence.

The Talmud notes:

When the snake came upon Eve, (when it seduced her to eat from the Tree of Knowledge), it infected her with moral contamination, and this contamination remained in all human beings.

The language used “came upon” is the same word for intimate relations.  It appears from ancient mystical sources that this was the intent of the snake, that the snake desired Eve and sought to seduce her and eliminate his competition Adam through the ruse of the Tree of Knowledge.  Obviously this was not a typical snake that we have today; ancient medrashim say this snake had legs and arms and could speak before it was punished.  We talked about how the Talmud instructed women on how to avoid snakes, and concluded that here too the snake represents the spiritual force of jealousy:

We see this today: some men in their jealousy fixate on the accomplishments of other men instead of working on their own mission or status.  When they see a man with a beautiful woman, they will obsess about the man, and ruminate “what does he have that I don’t?”  This chews them up inside as jealousy builds and poisons the psyche…  This process is rooted in the first snake, which brought the power of jealousy into the world.  Our sages note that the snake with serpent tongue is also related to speaking ill of others, which is a terrible offense in Judaism and compared to bloodshed.  Many people are said to die because of the spiritual damage done by jealously talk about them.

Today is Tisha b’Av, the solemn anniversary of the tragic episode of the spies and the destruction of both holy Temples in Jerusalem.  Jealousy was a contributing factor to the baseless hatred that led to our spiritual vulnerability and failure.

 

 

 

Today the Talmud brings a Mishnah describing the rules of soaking or warming foods on Shabbat.  The Mishnah mentions a small fish (possible a mackerel) which is forbidden to soak in hot water, since that would finish cooking it.

The Gemara compared popular foods Babel that were not like in Israel, then brings a comparison between the birds in Babel and Israel.  Our sages explain the birds in Babel were fatter since they never went into exile, since Jeremiah 9:9 states that even animals and birds were exiled from Jerusalem with the Jews.

Rabbi Ya’akov said that Rabbi Yoḥanan said: They all returned except for the mackerel, as Rav said: Those slopes in Babylonia return the water through underground watercourses to the spring of Eitam in Israel, and the fish also returned through these watercourses.  But this fish, the mackerel, because its spine is not strong, could not ascend these watercourses and did not return to Eretz Yisrael.

Gentlemen, sometimes in life you need to go against the flow.  However, this take courage and resolve, what we call back bone.  In our generation there are powerful narratives being pushed on you to conform and dedicate your life to the service of certain goals and people.  This is so pervasive that even recognizing these messages takes courage.  May we be blessed with strong spines to stand up for what is right instead of what is popular.

The Talmud is teaching about the prohibition of squeezing juice out of fruits on Shabbat.  The Gemara notes people from the house of Menashya bar Menaḥem would squeeze pomegranates on weekdays.  This shows that it is normal for people to juice pomegranates, therefore it is prohibited to do so on Shabbat.  Rav Naḥman said: The law is in accordance with the practice of the people from the house of Menashya bar Menaḥem.

The Gemara challenges Rav Nahman: Is Menashya ben Menaḥem the majority of the world? Meaning, since most people do not squeeze pomegranates, the practice of the people from the house of Menashya ben Menaḥem should be irrelevant.

Rav Nahman responds to the other sages by pointing out that the practice of maintaining thorns as camel fodder in Arabia shows that thorns are a normal crop.  The sages distinguish that Arabia is a place, and a custom practiced in an entire area or country is significant; while the practice of one individual household is rendered insignificant compared to the opinions of all others.

 

Every society has outliers, but in ancient times up until the very recent present, the mainstream practice was not deeply affected by the outliers.  That is the message of the pomegranate juice.  There has to be a broadly accepted norm to organize a functional, lasting society.  Yes, there will always be some people on the periphery who challenge what is normal.  But in healthy cultures everyone agrees on the same basic assumptions of life.

Only recently, within our lifetimes, modern liberal nations have started accepting the feelings of the outliers as valid facts to change existing norms.  When the mainstream has to bow to the feelings of an aggressive minority, you can’t run a healthy society.  The outraged and offended can’t be given veto power over social discourse.  More than that, when you accept the periphery as morally superior to the majority, you empower the easily offended to push their agenda on others, and incentivize people to develop a victim mentality.  This creates a race to the bottom, as the most sensitive and most victimized are promoted as those with the most credibility to control the behavior and expression of everyone else.  Compared to ancient societies, including the ancient Jewish view, Modern America is upside down.

Amazing insight in today ‘s Talmud.  We are in the subject of “muktzeh” meaning items that we do not move on Shabbat because they have no permitted Sabbath use.  Of course, after a meal there is non food refuse left over that needs to be cleaned up.  How do we do that?

Mishna:  Beit Shammai say:  One may clear bones and shells left from the Shabbat meal from the table with his hand.  And Beit Hillel say: One may remove the entire board that is the table surface and shake the bones and shells off of it, but he may not lift the scraps with his hand because they may not be moved.

The Gemara brings a discussion about what to do with date pits, the kind that are not eaten by animals so have no permitted use: “Rav Sheshet would dispose of the pits with his tongue. Rav Pappa would dispose of them behind the couch on which he sat while eating because he did not want to move them in with his hands.  They said about Rabbi Zecharia ben Avkulas that he would turn his face toward the back of the couch and dispose of them.”

Rav Sheshet and Rav Pappa lived in Bavel hundreds of years after Rabbi Zecharia, who lived in Jerusalem.  Why are they all put together?  Further, Rabbi Zecharia ben Avkulas is only mentioned in the Talmud one other time, on Gittin 56, where he is blamed for the Roman invasion and destruction of the Temple and Jerusalem, and the resulting exile:

Bar Kamtza said, “Since the Rabbis (including Zecharia ben Avkulas) were sitting there and did not stop him from shaming me, this shows that they agreed with him.  I will go and inform against them to the Government.”  He went and said to the Emperor, “The Jews are plotting rebellion against you.”  The Emperor said, “How can I tell?”  He said to him: “Send them an offering and see whether they will offer it.”  So the Emperor sent with Bar Kamtza a fine calf.  While on the way Bar Kamtza made a blemish on its upper lip, or some say on the white of its eye, in a place where we Jews count it a blemish but non-Jews do not.  The Rabbis at the Temple were inclined to offer it anyway in order not to offend the Roman Government.  Said R. Zechariah b. Avkulas to them: “But people will say that blemished animals can be offered on the altar!”  They then proposed to kill Bar Kamtza so that he should not go and slander against them, but R. Zechariah b. Avkulas said to them, “Is one who makes a blemish on consecrated animals liable to death?”
R. Yochanan remarked: Through the humility (or modesty) of R. Zechariah b. Avkulas our House has been destroyed, our Temple burnt and we ourselves exiled from our land.

This same Rabbi Zechariah tossed his date pits behind the couch.  So what?  The Tosefta (ancient statements not in the main text of the official Talmud) brings another version of our Mishnah:

Beit Hillel said, lift the bones and shells from the table; Beit Shammai said, remove the entire tray (or tabletop) and shake off the refuse.  Zechariah ben Avkulas did not follow the opinion of Beit Shammai or that of Beit Hillel, rather he spat the bones out behind the couch.  Rabbi Yosa taught, “The ‘modesty’ of Rav Zechariah ben Avkulas burnt the Temple.” (Tosefta Shabbat 16:7)

You will notice this version shows there are traditions that reverse the opinions of Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai.  The Tosefta adds the personal behavior of Zechariah ben Avkulas, which was not like the school of Hillel or Shammai.  This shows us that Zechariah ben Avkulas was afraid to decide the law like either major school, instead he did his own thing like neither of them.  This echoes what Zechariah did when the Rabbis debated what to do about bar Kamtza slandering the Jews to Rome.  He didn’t want to illegally offer the blemished calf, but didn’t want to take extralegal action to prevent slander either.  He was a great and learned sage, but unable to take decisive action when the situation required it.  He was humble in the sense that he did not trust himself to make a ruling that was not by the book*.

The wisdom for modern men is that we must be able to make a decision, even when we are not totally sure of ourselves.  Avoidance and delay can lead to massive destruction.

 

[*See Iggrot Moshe Yoreh Deah, vol. I, responsa 101, who argues that in our generation as well, rabbis must not display “excessive” modesty but must issue rulings when called upon.  Also see Rav Moshe’s hakdama to the 8th volume where he writes about the tension between Emet l’amito and Emet l’horaah]

The Talmud discusses items that are normally forbidden to move on Shabbat, and explains that there is an allowance for a father to pick up his child even though the boy is holding a rock (which is not movable).  This is because if the father does not pick up his son, the child may be upset due to his yearning for his father.  Our sages recognized that children need the love of their parents, both parents.  Since it was normal for the father to be out of the house most of the time, sons would be especially attached to their fathers.  If not dealt with, the longing a son has for his father can make him deeply distraught.

However, if the child is holding not a rock but a coin, the father is not allowed to pick him up; our sages knew that if the boy dropped the coin, the father would come to pick it up on Shabbat.  After all, he valued the coin.  His subconscious intention when picking up the boy is also to safeguard the coin.  He is not completely motivated by protecting his boy.

This is an amazing insight for fathers.  Your attention (and affection) is your greatest tool.  When we give our full attention to a child, that is wonderful for the child.  He feels like the center of the world for a moment.  Your sons know when you are merely dealing with them but your mind is elsewhere.  All too often we are trying to multi-task our way through parenting.  Being fully engaged with children is a tremendous reward for them.  Use this power.

Your mindful application of attention and affection also change the mood of your woman.  Don’t give full attention or affection for free, they are valuable prizes that can be earned or lost.  Simply removing your masculine attention can be a more powerful rebuke than anything else.  Your undivided time is important not just to you, but those around you.  Learn to use it.

The Talmud today discusses scraping mud off of shoes on Shabbat, and on the topic notes:

And a woman may not go out on Shabbat in a shoe that is torn on top, lest she be mocked, remove it, and carry it on Shabbat.

Carrying items in the public thoroughfare on Shabbat is forbidden.  This precaution applies specifically to a woman, not a man.  We learn from here that women have been interested in shoes for at least 2000 years.  Our sages continue:

And one may not go out on Shabbat wearing a new shoe, due to the concern that it will not fit properly, and then one will remove it and carry it.  The Gemara comments: In what case did they say that one may not wear a new shoe?  They said this with regard to a woman’s shoe, as women are very particular about having their shoes fit properly.

Women notice shoes.  Make sure your shoes are appropriate.

 

This week we begin studying the final book of the five books of Moses, which comprise the oldest and key portion of the Bible.  This book and the first portion in it are called “Devarim” in Hebrew, meaning Words; Deuteronomy in common parlance.

You will notice a significant shift in tone and, if you read ancient Hebrew, differences in language and syntax used.  This is because the book of Words is Moses’ parting instructions to the Jewish nation before they would enter the Promised Land.  This is Moses speaking to us, not Moses relaying God’s messages.  While Moses was the greatest prophet, these words are Moses’, and not God’s.

Devarim summarizes some key events in Jewish history, including the sending of the spies to the holy land and the tragic fallout from that error, the wars against the nations next to Israel, and the allotment of land to Reuven, Gad, and part of Menashe on the east bank of the Jordan.

Moses refers to some specific locations to give rebuke to the Jewish people, pointing out where they went wrong and can improve: “in the wilderness” refers to their provoking God in Exodus 16:3, “on the plain” hints to sinning with Moavite women and the idol Baal Peor, “di zahav” references the building of the golden calf.  Rashi (to 1:1) points out that Moses made it a point to speak directly to every man, so no one could later claim “if I had been there I would have answered his rebuke”.

Moses invited them to answer and justify themselves if they could; they could not.  A leader needs to be to the point, and address problems directly.  A man deserved to speak face to face, not hear it through the grapevine.  This is a masculine style of communication.  However, Moses did refer to some of these sins in hint form.  Every Jewish man knew the mistake that were made along the way to Israel, Moses did not need to specify them.

There is a balance between pointing out mistakes and rubbing a man’s nose in them.  Moses wanted the Jewish men to recognize they are fallible and be aware of this when entering the Holy Land, but at the same time he was not trying to shame them.

A leader, be it an employer, supervisor, a husband or father, needs to be aware of the delicate balance between rebuking misdeeds and shaming another person.  A shortsighted parenting technique (that I have heard is commonly employed by single mothers) is to tell a child “good boys keep their room clean” or the like.

The boy with the messy room hears the implied shaming: you are not a good boy; you will only be a good boy if you make mommy happy.  He fears, subconsciously, that if he is not a “good boy” by mommy’s definition, then she will cut off her love and support.

A mother’s parenting methods should not undermine her bond of unconditional love.  When mothers try to fill the role of both parents they fail.  A child needs a man and woman in his life, they were created with different strengths to fill different roles.  This boy raised by a shaming mother grows up trying to please the women in his life so he can be a “good boy” in her eyes.

This can create tremendous anxiety in modern men who are in this feminist frame.  Some men assume if they just clean their room, wash the dishes, pay for the house etc. they will win her love.  More than just that, they don’t want to feel the shame of being a bad boy to her.

Instead, a leader should focus on the deeds, not the people.  We have an amazing example of this approach:

On Brakhot page 10 the Talmud brings a famous story: there were uneducated low life thugs in Rabbi Meir’s neighborhood giving him (any everyone) trouble.  He prayed for mercy that they would die.  His wife, hearing this, quotes Psalm 104:35 to him: “Let sins cease from the earth”.

She points out that King David did not write sinners, but sins, and that if these sinners die, won’t there be other sinners?  Rather, it is appropriate to pray for the removal of sins, not these men.  So Rabbi Meir instead prays that their sins stop and that they receive divine mercy.  This works.  The men change for the better…

We are all created with an urge to sin.  This is by design.  Our sages teach us that we have this challenge in order to overcome temptation and reach our potential.  The point is not that we make a mistake and then self identify as a “sinner”.  A famous Chassidic master, the Baal Shem Tov, explained: “more than the evil inclination wants men to sin, it wants men to feel guilty and sad after their sins”.

Feeling shame and guilt is incredibly emasculating.  It removes our energy and leads to anxiety, fear of making more mistakes, and depression.  Don’t shame yourself, fix yourself and improve.  Likewise, if a person is using shaming tactics on you, don’t go on their guilt trip.

Shame and guilt are powerful but blunt tools.  The person wielding them never learned to use positive and specific interpersonal tools to get their needs met.  When the only emotional tool she has is this hammer, you look like a nail to her.  The woman who is quick to place shame and guilt is one to avoid, as she has revealed her own lack of emotional development.

“You shall rebuke your neighbor, but not do a sin in the process.” (Leviticus 19:17).  Moses, the most humble man ever, did not hold back from rebuking the men of Israel, but he did not shame them.  The goal was to make them aware and spiritually sensitive to their capacity to err, since they would face new challenges in the holy land.

Our sages teach us that rebuke is a difficult commandment: if the other person will simply get defensive and not accept the criticism, then you should not be the critic.  If your goal is to shame someone, or make them live up to your demands, you are not fulfilling God’s commandment.  As a man and a leader, you need to offer critique only when it will work to help your fellow improve himself.

Judges

Moses describes how he could not singlehandedly judge the Jewish people and appointed additional judges.  Lest we think Moses was complaining there are too many Jews to manage, he gives the Jewish people a blessing they should increase even more (1:11).  The need for more judges is a reminder that the Jewish people are famously stubborn and argumentative.  The Bible calls us a “stiff necked people” Exodus 32:9.  Keep this in mind when dealing with us.

While in Jewish law negotiation and compromise are promoted, the Jews still needed many judges to settle disputes: “So I took the heads of your tribes, men wise and well known, and I made them heads over you, leaders over thousands, leaders over hundreds, leaders over fifties, and leaders over tens, and officers, over your tribes” (Deut 1:15).

  This means every thousand men had a judge, but also every 100, every 50, and even every 10.  A judge for every ten Jews!  It is amazing that they had so many judges and court officers.  A significant number of the men of ancient Israel were judges, exercising responsibility over their brothers and resolving disputes.

There is a wisdom here for modern men. Too often, parts of our life are left to autopilot without our supervisions and awareness. We have so much going on that we forget to check in on people, tasks, and even missions we need to accomplish.

You need to appoint judges over your own life, over each area.  This can be as simple as setting a timer so you don’t devote too much time to one task when you have other pots on the fire.  It could mean befriending men at the gym to lift with, who will hold you accountable when you have bad form and motivate you to push more iron.

Most of all, you must take responsibility for your own life and actions.  At the end of the day, you have no one to answer to except yourself (and God if you are a man of faith).  This gives you real freedom, but also true responsibility.  Your failures are your own.

Moses notes “And I commanded your judges at that time, saying, “Hear [disputes] between your brothers…” 1:16.  Even when they were arguing they were brothers.  Again, Jewish judges would urge the parties to compromise.  When you view the other side as your brother, this becomes easier. 

Part of the failure of the modern American criminal “justice” system is in treating men worse than animals.  This is possible because police, courts, and opposing litigants consider these men as their enemy, not as a human being.  We touched on this point regarding the misunderstood ancient Jewish justice system, which does not imprison people:

The Jewish criminal was never ostracized from society and branded as other, never labelled a con.  The Jewish police and courts treated him as a human being, the Torah commands them to treat him as a brother even after he is convicted.  There was no police brutality, no beatings, no coerced confessions, no men “accidently” dying in police custody.

The police and judges in the ancient Biblical society did not have an us VS them mentality regarding the criminals.  They were men from their own tribe, their extended family.  The state did not brand men as outsiders, agents of the state did not murder men or crush their souls in the name of justice.

You should be aware when you consider another man to be your enemy.  Sometimes men make others into an enemy when he could have become a friend, or at least neutral.  You don’t need to push people around or show off.

Another dangerous possibility is treating people who already consider you as their enemy as friends.  If someone is out to shame you or undermine you, you don’t need to give them the benefit of the doubt and try to justify yourself.  You don’t need to win the approval of people who identify as your enemy.

Courage

And I commanded Joshua at that time, saying, “Your eyes have seen all that the Lord, your God, has done to these two kings. So will the Lord do to all the kingdoms through which you will pass. Do not fear them, for it is the Lord, your God, Who is fighting for you.”  3:21-22

When you think back to what challenges you have faced and overcome already in life, you can gain the courage to face new problems.

Today the Talmud recounts various advice Rav Hisda gave Torah students, then these amazing insights:

Rav Ḥisda said to his daughters: Be modest before your husbands; do not eat bread before your husbands, lest you eat too much and be demeaned in their eyes.

Do not eat vegetables at night, as vegetables cause bad breath. Do not eat dates at night and do not drink beer at night, as these loosen the bowels.  And do not relieve yourself in the place where your husbands relieve themselves, so that they will not be revolted by you.

This entire episode reminds us that in ancient times (up until about 50 years ago) it was considered proper for a woman to want to look good for and please her husband.  Nowadays this is anathema for mainstream women, who have been indoctrinated in feminist lies.  Rollo has an excellent essay on this topic. [Nibul peh warning, adult language on that site].

Rav Hisda goes on:

And when a person calls at the door seeking to enter, do not say: Who is it? in the masculine form, but rather: Who is it? in the feminine form.  Avoid creating the impression that you have dealings with other men.

It was not common for married women in ancient society to be out among men.  There was no such thing as a “girls night out”, young women were careful to guard their reputations so they would be attractive to men for marriage.  This continued even after marriage.  Jewish law has restrictions on a man and woman being alone together where they could come to sin, these restrictions are most strict for a married woman.

 

Then as a demonstration, Rav Ḥisda held a pearl in one hand and a small kiln in the other.  The pearl he showed them immediately but the kiln he did not show them until they were upset due to curiosity, then he finally showed it to them.

Some explain this Gemara to mean that he told the girls to hold out the pearl and withhold the kiln, the lesson is the same.  What he was teaching was how to arouse strong male desire, advising to make your body partially accessible to arouse his interest, then go all the way.  See Rashi, who explains the pearl is the breast the kiln the receptive organ.

As a reminder, the Talmud is a holy book for Jews.  And in more than one place it gives sexual advice.  In Judaism, the holy man is not a monk silent, alone and abstinent.  The holy man is the man who deals with the world, with other people, and with his physical desires in a controlled manner.