Today we can draw some amazing insights from the Talmud.

First, the Talmud explains that during the Passover Seder we do things that are unusual for a regular meal, inviting the children to ask why.  This prompts a discussion to explain these customs that celebrate the Exodus.  The father is obligated to get his children to ask questions.

This approach works for any teacher in any subject.  You want your students to be interested in the fine points of your material and questions you to draw out the nuances.

 

Hebrew is a gendered language, some words are masculine and others feminine.  A few can be either gender. This includes song “Shir” or “Shira”.  Our sages notice that usually in scripture song is female, with a few exceptions using the male gender.

The Tosafot (a medieval commentary on the Talmud) brings the Medrash Mechilta, an ancient exposition from Rabbi Yishmael.  The Mechilta explains that song in the female form refers to past salvational events that involved or were followed by suffering, like a woman giving birth requires pain.  When song is in a male form, this refers to the future ultimate redemption which is not followed by problems.

This is a profound concept and I cannot reveal the secrets here.  It is worth noting that our ancient sages were not only aware of gender differences in people, but even in their language, and used these to understand scripture on a deeper level.  Ignoring gender differences would be ignoring reality.

The Talmud delves into the process of the Passover Seder, noting that we dip a vegetable as an appetizer, and later in the Seder eat a bitter herb to remind us of the bitterness of slavery in Egypt.  The Gemara asks what to do if a man has only one vegetable available.  He needs to make a blessing on eating the bitter herb, which is done later than the dipping, which also needs a blessing.  This issue becomes a bitter argument among our sages.

The Gemara notes: Rav Aḥa, son of Rava, would seek other vegetables for Passover to preclude himself from taking sides in the dispute.

When you can – and it does not hurt you – avoid taking sides in other people’s disputes.  Having options can allow you the freedom of not needing to take sides.  If you can start your own business, you won’t need to fight with your boss.  If you can always find a new girlfriend, you won’t be stuck quarreling with one.  This is abundance mentality, the sign of royalty.

 

The Talmud notes that the ancient sage Hillel, in the time of the Temple, would wrap his Paschal lamb meat and bitter herb together in Matzah and eat them as one, to fulfill Numbers 9:11 “on Matzah and bitter herbs they will eat it”.  The other sages objected to this since the bitter herb would overshadow the taste of the other items, and said to eat them individually.

What we do today is akin to the approach of Rav Aḥa, son of Rava.  We first eat the bitter herb alone, then the Matzah, then we wrap them together in Matzah to remember what Hillel did in the time of the Temple (may it be rebuilt soon).  Again, this reminds us that having abundance gives us options to avoid dispute.

The Talmud wraps up a string of practical life advice with this pearl:

Rabba bar bar Ḥana said that Rabbi Yoḥanan said, citing Rabbi Yehuda, son of Rabbi Elai: Eat an onion [batzal] and sit in the shade [batzel], (eat inexpensive food while sitting in a comfortable place), but do not eat expensive geese and fowl, as your heart will crave it, (you will develop a taste for luxuries).  Budget less to your food and your drink and spend more on your house, as one’s house is a better investment than food.

When Ulla came from Eretz Yisrael to Babylonia he said that they say the following proverb in the west (Israel): One who eats a fat tail [alita] must hide in the attic [aliyata] from creditors who think he is wealthy. One who eats vegetables [kakulei] can lie down in the city’s garbage [kiklei] without fear of others, as he is not in debt.

It is very easy to start indulging in luxuries to the point that they become considered as necessities.  This is a great danger in modern times when you can buy things you cannot afford on credit.  Know you financial situation and plan accordingly, and invest for the future instead of indulging now.

Today the Talmud continues with practical life advice, and cites Rav’s advice for Rav Asi:

Do not marry two wives, but if you do then marry a third

The Rashbam explains that two women will join forces to conspire against the husband. If there is a third, she will reveal the plot.

Examining the instances in the Bible where a man married multiple wives, we see there was always some tension and rivalry.  Marriage, especially today, is life on hard mode.  A man with multiple wives must be up for a real challenge.

Our sages mention this gem:

Rabbi Yoḥanan further said: The Holy One, Blessed be He, proclaims about the goodness of three kinds of people every day, as exceptional and noteworthy individuals: (one of these is) a bachelor who lives in a city and does not sin with women…
This statement applies to people like Rav Ḥanina and Rav Oshaya, who were cobblers in Israel.  Their shop was in the marketplace of prostitutes, and they made shoes for prostitutes.  The prostitutes would enter their shops and look at them (another version states they would place the shoes on their feet).  However, due to their piety, these Sages did not raise their eyes to look at the women.  And those prostitutes were so impressed with this behavior that when they swore and oath, they would say as follows:  By the lives of the holy Sages of Israel (referring to these men). It is this type of bachelor who is praised by Heaven.

These men were singled out as especially saintly, we would not generally advise men to work with harlots.  Notice that the girls were well aware these rabbis had no sexual interest in them and that is what earned them profound respect – normally people would swear by the Bible.

It is worth noting that the Talmud recognizes crowded cities as a venue with more opportunities to sin.  Be aware of where you live and what marketplace you (and women) have access to.  Nowadays many people think they have access to a wider market for relationships due to online connections, but this can be misleading if you are not able to travel.

Another priceless bit of wisdom:

The Sages taught: There are three types of people whose lives are not lives, due to their constant suffering: The compassionate, the hot tempered, and the picky.

Rashbam explains that such a person will always be bothered or upset and never have rest.

We can combine these separate items of advice, and conclude that in order to succeed with multiple women, a man needs to be totally dedicated to his own mission or higher purpose  (like making shoes).  Then he will not be motivated by physical lust.  If he just wants sex, women will detect this and know they can control him through his desire.

Further, he needs to be the master of his own frame, not pulled into her viewpoint.  He cannot get too compassionate or emotional over his women, and never get angry or picky. That too would give them power over him and make his life truly miserable.  This is a difficult task.

The Talmud brings various pieces of advice that a father or teacher gave his son/student.  The first thing to notice here is that in ancient times it was expected for the men of the older generation to guide and nurture younger men, and try to help them become successful and independent.

Placing one’s hand on his nostrils is a way to risk becoming anxious and afraid. Placing one’s hand on his forehead is a way to risk falling asleep.

This teaching reminds us that your physical behaviors impact your mood.  Looking anxious or tired is a great way to becomes anxious and tired.  You can often get yourself out of a slump or funk through vigorous exercise. 

Rabbi Akiva, in a Roman jail for teaching Torah, taught his student outside:

And when you teach your son, teach him from a corrected text. The Gemara asks: What is the meaning of that statement? Rava said, and some say Rav Mesharshiya said: Rabbi Akiva was referring to learning a new topic, for once a mistake enters one’s mind, it has entered there and is difficult to put right.

What we learn as a child tends to stick with us, even though we may not realize it.  This is why the mass media targeted at children is particularly influential.  So many people in modern America get their basic assumptions about how love and marriage should work through Disney movies and the like.  It is critical that you think about the messages you were given as a child and what errors they contain, so you can live a better life.

Rabbi Akiva further told Rabbi Shimon ben Yoḥai: Do not cook in a pot in which your colleague cooked his food.  The Gemara asks: What is the meaning of this statement?  Rabbi Akiva is referring to marrying a divorced woman in the lifetime of her former husband.  As the Master said: If a divorced man marries a divorced woman, it is as if there are four minds in the bed during intimacy.  And if you wish, say instead that this advice holds true even with regard to marrying a widow, as not all “fingers” are equal. (Therefore intimate relations with her second husband might not be as pleasing as with the first and she will resent him).

We have mentioned the value ancient society placed on virginity.  In modern culture it is actually rare for men and women to marry as virgins, but this used to be quite common.  Our sages were aware that comparing past lovers can be problematic for both men and women, but especially for women.  The appropriate thing for both men and women is to focus on the person you are with and bring enthusiasm to the bedroom.

 

We have just discussed how drinking a pair of cups of wine can reduce sexual ability or invite witchcraft.

The Talmud now delves into other practices that can make a man vulnerable to demons or witchcraft.  These include a man walking in between two women, or one woman between two men.  The Gemara notes she can use witchcraft to bring strife between the men.  A man walking between women is immodest and invites him to have lustful thoughts.

Witchcraft aside, this is a concept you need to be aware of.  There is something odd about a woman who is friends with men but does not get along well with other women.  Perhaps she has an insatiable need for male attention, and wants to keep men in her orbit to shower her with approval.  A man considering her for a relationship should be aware of this possibility.

Likewise a man who prefers to be around women.  In our generation, many men in mainstream culture are raised to think they should act like women and put women first.  Because of this, some find it easier to relate to women than to men who engage in conventional masculine behaviors.  But this does not make them successful with women, rather they are seen as just another girlfriend.

The Talmud also reveals that when a man sees two women on opposite sides of the road, this shows they are trying to perform witchcraft on men who walk in between them.  Our sages give a remedy: go around, not through.  If that is impossible, take another man with you to help.

Avoiding relationships that have the potential to become train wrecks is the best policy, but when it is unavoidable, don’t go it alone.  Seek help from other men who have wisdom.

The Talmud examines the esoteric concept of pairs “Zugot”.  Doing something or eating items in pairs invites spiritual danger and damage from demons.  This is related to the concept of religious dualism:  Some faiths believe there is a God and a devil opposed to God, or a yin and yang for instance.  Judaism and true monotheism completely rejects this – nothing has any power independent of God. 

It appears that in ancient times idolaters would pour out some wine for their deity and some to assuage their devil or demons as well.  Same with eating foods.  So we ban this practice.  Judaism does have a detailed demonology, these negative forces are sometimes given permission from God to act against people.  Even the devil works for God.

One of the dangerous things listed to do in pairs is to engage in sexual relations.  However, the Gemara explains what the teaching really meant was that to drink two cups of alcohol or eat two meals and then engage in intimacy brings danger.  Having sex twice in a row does not endanger you, and is instead endorsed by our sages as a way to enhance your love life.

A man should be aware that too much food or drink can effect his performance in the bedroom.  Wine or alcohol can help but in excess can reduce your abilities.

The Gemara explains another detail about pairs: drinking 4,6,8 or 10 cups will not make a man vulnerable to demons, but he still becomes vulnerable to witchcraft.  The Gemara brings a story that illustrates this:

…like that incident involving a certain man who divorced his wife. She went and married a shopkeeper who sold wine in his store. Every day, the first husband would go and drink wine in that shop. His ex-wife would perform witchcraft upon him, but it was not effective because he was careful with regard to pairs (he never drank an even number).

One day he drank a lot, and he did not realize how much he drank. Until he drank sixteen cups, he was lucid and was careful with regard to himself, to keep track. From then onward he was not lucid and was not careful, and she caused him to leave after having consumed an even number of cups. As he walked, a certain Arab met him and, noticing that he was bewitched, said to him: It is a dead man who walks here. He went and hugged a palm tree for support; the palm tree withered due to the witchcraft, and he burst.

The simple lesson here is do not get drunk or lose your cool around an ex, even without witchcraft no good can come of it.

 

The Talmud explains the Biblical commandment of being in a state of joy during the holidays:

The Sages taught: A man is obligated to gladden his children and the members of his household on a Festival, as it is stated: “And you shall rejoice on your Festival, you, and your son, and your daughter, and your servant, and your maidservant, and the Levite, and the stranger, and the orphan and the widow that are within your gates” (Deuteronomy 16:14).  With what should one make them rejoice? With wine.

Rabbi Yehuda says: One should help each member of his household rejoice with an item that pleases them, men with what is fit for them and women with what is fit for them.  Rabbi Yehuda elaborates: Men with what is fit for them, with wine.

As for the women, with what should one cause them to rejoice?  Rav Yosef teaches: One should delight them with new clothes, in Babylonia with colored clothes and in Eretz Yisrael with the pressed linen clothes that are made there.

First of all, our sages were well aware that men and women have differing preferences and standards in life.  Men can be happy through consuming alcohol, a woman needs an item that enhances her beauty or status in the eyes of others.  This is why the alcohol industry advertises primarily to men, while cosmetics and clothing are marketed to women.

In other words, a man gets joy through feeling that he is having a fun and worthwhile experience.  A woman draws joy from feeling that other people think that she is a fun and worthwhile experience.

Rambam (Maimonides) holds that women have an independent obligation to be Happy on a holiday, as this is a biblical commandment.  She must ensure she makes herself happy.

Raavad says the husband has the responsibility to make his wife happy.  Rabbi Akiva Eiger elaborates on the Raavad, and implies he does things or gives her gifts to bring joy, but perhaps he is not required to try and change her actual emotional state, as this may be impossible.

Rambam says your own happiness is your own responsibility and your own choice.  It is a great danger to make your happiness dependent on anyone or anything outside of yourself.  Even wine, which is used in every important Jewish ritual and holiday, is only a tool to enhance your own inner joy.

There is another danger for modern men who are taught by mainstream culture that ensuring a woman’s happiness is his sole responsibility.  Some women have impossibly high expectations, a few are even like an emotional black hole.  No matter how much you try, she will never be entirely happy.  This is often because being unhappy wins her attention, sympathy, and gifts.  If she has nothing specific to be unhappy about, she fears the loss of the attention she won through being unhappy.

If you reward unhappiness, you will get more of it.  A man in this terrible situation must strengthen himself and be prepared to allow her to become unhappy so she can learn to manage her own emotions.

During the Passover Seder, the festive meal, Jews famously drink four cups of wine while reading from the Hagaddah the story of the Exodus from Egypt.

The Talmud asks which of these cups we need to drink while reclining or leaning to the side.  In ancient times, free people who could afford luxuries ate while reclining on a couch.  The Ra’avya comments that it should not be required nowadays as no one eats reclining, but the custom is to recline or lean.

Tosafot points out that although there is a debate regarding if we recline for all four cups or only some of them,  we certainly recline eating the Matzah,  the unleavened bread.  Even though Matzah is a food for slaves and reminds us of slavery, we eat it as free men do.

You may be in a situation where your freedom of action is constrained, or you have limited resources and cannot obtain what you wish for.  There is still value in acting free, not to impress others but to remind yourself of the dignity of your life.  Every man has inherent value, and even if you are not currently able to express this externally, it is important to remember your worth and act confidently.

The Gemara continues that a wife who reveres her husband does not recline in front of him.  The same would apply to students who especially revere their Rabbi.  The Gemara notes that a woman who had her own importance independent of her husband would recline.  Later Rabbis as early as the medieval era stated that in our times all women consider themselves to have importance and can recline.

This is a stark reminder that the general culture, even in a religious setting, has shifted massively regarding men and women since Biblical and Talmudic times.  Women no longer think of themselves as dependent on men for their value.  Don’t get married assuming your wife will get her identity through you and only you.

An interesting side note is that the women in Europe were more likely to rely on the Ra’avya and not learn, in accordance with the ruling of the Rema in Shulchan Arukh Orach Chaim 472:4.  The Rema was writing rulings for European (Ashkenazic) Jewry.

However, outside of Eastern Europe, Sefardic Jewish women were accustomed to leaning.  It seems they were considered – or considered themselves – important.  What is curious is that in Israel, per Sefardic law, a man can have multiple wives, while in Europe the custom was monogamy.  However, it appears that outside of Europe, each wife considered herself important, even if she had a co-wife.  This reminds us that women would rather share a valuable man than have a low class man all to herself.

The Talmud begins an important discussion of using beverages other than wine as the vehicle to recite blessings like Kiddush and Havdala.  Important beverages like beer could be used at least for Havdala, and their beer was typically made from dates in various ways:

Levi sent Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi a beer of thirteen soakings, (thirteen batches of fermenting dates had been soaked in water until it had thoroughly absorbed the taste and alcohol).  Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi tasted it and it was especially pleasant. He said: A beer like this is fit to recite kiddush over, and to sign over it all the songs and praises in the world!  However, that night it disrupted his digestion and caused him pain.  He said: It pains on the one hand and soothes on the other.

We must stay aware that many foods, items, activities, and people in life cause us both pain and pleasure.  Don’t ignore the fact that pain will ultimately come to get some pleasure right now.  Instead weigh the pleasure you can get versus the inevitable consequences.  In some instances you will decide to take the pain for what you gain.  But don’t choose pleasure with your eyes closed to the results, and then complain about having to pay the price!

Our sages (Avot 2:1) advise us to weigh the cost of a Divine command against its rewards, and the rewards of a transgression against its cost.  A man can get himself into a lot of trouble by weighing only the rewards of his actions, not the costs.