We have a commandment to remember and sanctify the Sabbath (Ex 20:8), and our ancient sages learned that we should do so over a cup of wine, since wine is linked in scripture to remembrance (Hosea 14:8 and Song of Songs 1:4).  Jews recite a special blessing “Kiddush” holding a cup of wine to mark the onset of Shabbat.

The Talmud explores if you could make the Kiddush blessing marking the beginning of the Sabbath even on Saturday.  The Kiddush should be recited Friday night, but if a man was asleep or drunk or on military duty he was unable to do so. Instead, he recites the full Kiddush on Saturday before lunch, when normally on Saturday a man merely says the blessing on wine, not the full Kiddush.

The Gemara relates:

Rav Ashi happened to come to the city of Meḥoza. The Sages of Meḥoza said to him on Shabbat day: Will the Master recite for us the great kiddush?  They brought him a cup of wine.  He thought: What is this “great kiddush” to which they  refer?  Perhaps residents of Meḥoza included other matters in their kiddush? 

He said to himself: Regarding all the blessings that require a cup of wine, one first recites the blessing: “Who creates the fruit of the vine”, so I will start with that blessing. He recited: “Who creates the fruit of the vine”, and lengthened the ending and looked to see if they were expecting an additional blessing.  He saw a particular elder bending over his cup and drinking, and he realized that this was the end of the “great kiddush”.  He read the following verse about himself: “The wise man, his eyes are in his head” (Ecclesiastes 2:14).

Rav Ashi was ready and on the lookout to discern the expectations of the local residents, if they were waiting for another blessing he would add the long Kiddush blessing usually recited Friday night.  When he saw their behavior, he realized they thought he was done so he could stop.

This reminds us that we need to be oriented to our environment and reading the people around us.  Cold reading is a critical skill when dealing with new people.

You may ask on this Gemara why Rav Ashi did not ask the locals what they meant by “great kiddush”.  Rav Ashi was a well known sage, and had to be worried about the honor of the Torah: if he appeared ignorant this would tarnish the reputation of Torah sages generally.  So he used his social awareness instead of asking. 

You should carefully weigh when you need to ask questions that might make you look dumb, or just try and go with the flow and figure it out as you go along from those around you.

The Talmud compares laws of Kiddush, which marks the start of the Sabbath, to Havdala at the conclusion.  Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak debates Ravina, giving this amazing qualification to his argument:

I am neither a wise man, nor a seer, nor saying this from an individual opinion.  Rather, I learn and then systematically arrange legal rulings, and the scholars teach the students in the study hall in accordance with my opinion:  I maintain that there is a difference for us between the arrival of the day of Shabbat and the departure of the day. By the arrival of the day, the sooner we welcome the day by reciting kiddush the better, as we show how beloved it is to us. With regard to the ending of the day, we delay it so that Shabbat will not appear to be like a burden to us.

Rav Nahman is saying that his argument is not based on his own intellect, or on an innovation akin to prophecy, or something he heard from a solitary source.  Rather, his legal argument is based on his study and review of all the relevant sources, by arranging them all and weighing how they fit with the topic.  Not only that, this opinion is accepted by others and used in practice.

Rav Nahman is actually giving us modern men a scientific method for analyzing wisdom.  Instead of relying on our own insight or instinct, or on one man who asserts he is correct, we need to examine all the sources and systematically weigh their advice to see if it works in the real world.  We need to compare the intellectual teachings with how they work in practical everyday living.

In our day, many men are trying to sell you their personal program for success, and it may have worked for them (at least, they want you to believe it did) but that does not mean it will work for you.  Often you need to learn from many sources and objectively weigh all of the advice against how well you can apply it to your own life.

We again study Ki Tisa (Exodus 30:11 – 34:35), which includes the famous episode of the Golden Calf.  Last year we explained how it was possible for the Jews to tolerate the people of the mixed multitude engaging in idolatry, let alone to have 3000 natural born Jews joining in.

Remember that the Bible is not always written in order.  The first topic of Ki Tisa, the census of the Jews, actually takes place after the golden calf.  This is why the half-shekel coins used as proxy to count the people are referred to as “atonement for your souls” (Ex 30:15).  The silver in the coins was used for the base sockets in the Tabernacle, the ritual complex needed after the golden calf, as we explained in Trumah:

Prior to the golden calf, offerings were brought by each family individually.  The sacrifice itself was performed by the first born son in the family, and was allowed to be brought on a private altar (Ex 24:5).  Each family was offering directly to God without intermediaries.  After the calf, the responsibility for ritual sacrifice shifts from the first born son of each family to the priests (Kohanim).  At that time there were only five Kohanim, Aaron and his sons.  This was a drastic change centralizing a vital aspect of religious practice.

Building the Tabernacle was a critical juncture in our historical-spiritual development.  Judaism is in a real sense a decentralized religion that emphasizes individual authority, when exercised within proper limits.  The Jews began as just one man, Abraham, standing steadfast against the establishment culture of idolatrous polytheism and subjective immorality.  In Genesis we learned how this man with a mission blossomed into a family, 12 brother-tribes, then a nation during the exile in Egypt.  But even as a nation, individual authority was always the ideal.  See Judges 21:25 and Micah 4:4.

However, whenever individuals stray too far from the spiritual norm, God finds a way to recentralize authority and restore key values.  Thus we see the national ritual in the Tabernacle to correct the calf.

The giving a half coin teaches a deeper message to rectify the golden calf.  Every man counts, each of us has a special value and our own relationship with the Creator.  However, every individual is only a part of the whole.  You can’t buy anything for half a shekel, but once you start adding them together, you can build a Temple or Tabernacle, and accomplish anything.

Recall that when the mixed multitude proposed building a leader or idol, only one man stood up against then.  This was Hur son of Miriam, who was murdered by the idolatrous faction.  He was obviously correct and brave to stand against thousands, but he was one man.  He was like half a shekel.  Imagine if he had combined forces with other men, bringing in the silent majority that did not approve of the golden calf but did nothing active to stop it?

Even ten men, maybe even two, and they could have stopped the mixed multitude from engaging in golden calf worship.  However, it is possible that Hur did not know that anyone was on his side.  The loud assertions from the mixed multitude about needing a new leader to replace Moses were taking center stage, and drowning out any other messages.  The mixed multitude was preying on the fear that Moses was dead to influence the Jews to appoint a new leader.

We have the same issues in modern media.  Through technology, a tiny minority can set the topic and tone of the conversation, and isolate and silence voices that question their narrative.  The men who would speak up against the narrative feel that they are alone, when in fact their opinion may be the majority view.  The problem is a vocal, punitive minority pushing back against any dissent to their worldview.  The result is that the content on mainstream media, especially social media, favors certain ways to understand the world and actively undermines other ones.

Due to the effort to shame and silence him, a man may not realize that his own opinion and experience is valid and worth sharing.  He may find a different social media platform with friendly views, but now he is no longer on the mainstream platforms and unable to influence people who spend their time there.  This is not a simple situation.  You should try to reach out to like minded men and build coalitions, if not to spread your message, then at least to remind yourself that there are like minded men.

What makes a man?

Another point about this census is that men were counted from age 20 and up.  At this age a man is required to join the military force to defend his people when necessary.  But we know that in Jewish law a boy becomes a man at age 13, his “Bar Mitzvah”, he is defined as a man.  So what is going on for seven years in between?

At age 13, a man must fulfill his obligations to God.  He is an adult in the eyes of the community, and can lead prayers and read from a Torah scroll.  However, he is still just starting his journey to become a man capable of assisting others.  At age 20, a man is expected to be ready to lay down his life for his people.  If the nation was threatened, he would go to war on their behalf.  Even if he is older and not fit for combat, he would take part in leading, supporting, or financing the national mission.  He bore the responsibility, along with all his brothers, for the entire nation.

A 13 year old is a man, true, but he has just left the stage of being a child.  Childhood is marked by profound selfishness.  A child expects his parents to provide for him, educate, guide, and nurture him.  It takes years for him to realize that he also can have a role in providing for, protecting, and educating other people.

A young man has to expand his consciousness to see that other people are his responsibility.  This begins by helping within his family, then his community, his tribe, and the entire Jewish nation.  Along the way, he probably becomes financially independent from his parents, and able to support a family of his own.

The Bible teaches us seven years is needed for a young man to blossom into a mature man who is a part of his community.  In modern times, it appears some men never make this leap.   Due to many factors, men are not taught to fully grow up and are prevented from exercising authority and taking responsibility.

The danger

However, we need to be aware that this innate quality of men to help can be hijacked.  We explored this danger regarding Chanukah and in our discussion of proper responsibility:

But there is a danger inherent in a man’s God-given ability to take responsibility.  As I recently wrote about in Chanukah and the Red Pill, the current mainstream culture in America has acculturated the past few generations of men to redefine responsibility, to redefine masculinity itself.  Men are instructed to promote women above men, above their brothers and even above themselves.  Pop culture indoctrinates you to put the needs of women above all else, to take responsibility for life mistakes other people made, if those people are female….

In current mainstream culture you, as a man, cannot expect any praise or credit for your work, but you are expected and coerced to take full responsibility the moment anything goes wrong.  If you won’t step up when others want you to, you are an labelled an irresponsible pathetic loser.  For not obeying them!

The idea of responsibility has been perverted in modern society to shame and blame men for all manner of social ills, and to nudge men into accepting the burden of other people’s mistakes.  This is a manipulative twisting of the natural God-given masculine attribute of responsibility.

The Torah teaches that men and women are equally responsible for their actions, both are liable for punishment for sins (Numbers 5:6) and liable in civil court for damages.  In modern parlance, men and women have equal agency.  They are equally responsible for their actions and choices, both in the temporal realm and before God.

Contemporary feminist society manipulates us to absolve women who make poor choices from consequences and place the burdens onto men.  This is against the truth that the Bible teaches us: every human being is a responsible agent.  The messages from modern culture lead people to conclude that women have less agency than men.  This is contrary to reality and against the Bible.

Beware of a message that you need to “man up”, and understand that the person or narrative telling you this message may be simply trying to harness your energy and abilities for their own purpose or profit.

In ancient Biblical society, a Jewish boy becoming a man could rest assured that his entire culture was on his side.  They had a common goal, and common worldview, and helped one another.  A Jew in the tribe of Judah would readily go to war and die for a Jew from the tribe of Benjamin.  They were brothers.

You cannot assume this to be true in modern society.  A man can be hijacked by commercial interests to give his time and energy to make money for other men, or by a woman who wants a father figure to raise her children from another man.

Instead, a man today must forge his own tribe.  You first default tribe is your biological family.  As you mature, you pick your friends, decide what clubs, sports, or hobbies to engage in, and forge your own bonds with other men.  When you create your own loose tribe and give them your effort, energy, and loyalty, then you are not at the mercy of outside voices telling you to “man up”.  You already did it, your way.

The Talmud explores how we recite Havdala, the blessing marking the end of the Sabbath.  The main theme of this blessing is that God made a boundary between the six days of the week and the seventh, the day of rest.  However, the Gemara notes that one could also mention other distinctions God made in creation: “Who distinguishes between sacred and profane: Between light and darkness; between Israel and the nations; and between the seventh day and the six days of work; between the ritually impure and the ritually pure; between the sea and the dry land; between the upper waters above the firmament and the lower waters below the firmament; and between priests, Levites, and Israelites.”

First of all, this highlights the concept of having your boundaries and expectations of people.  God has the power to create innate distinctions in the universe, but men need to enforce their chosen boundaries.  You do this through not tolerating behaviors that overstep your boundaries.  The only way a man can guide his own life is to choose and enforce his own boundaries.  You made need to walk away from a person or situation that is trying to trample on your personal identity.

Second, be aware that not all things, people, and cultures are the same.  We see so much variation in humanity, and this is for our benefit.  A wise man learns about the distinct approaches men take to life to see what can work for him.

The Talmud debates the proper order of blessings when a holiday begins as the Sabbath ends.  We try to save the blessing of “Havdala” marking the formal end of the Sabbath for the end, showing that we don’t rush to get out of Shabbat.  The Gemara explains that if you need to escort out a king and also welcome a governor in, you need to deal with the king first.

This may seem odd to characterize the Sabbath as a king, even though it happens every single week while holidays are only three times a year.  On a spiritual level, Shabbat reminds us of creation and God’s hand in the universe, and His relationship with us.  The holidays are important, but commemorate specific events in Jewish history, not the overall big picture of our life in this world.

You have regular tasks necessary to your mission, such as exercise, adequate sleep, proper nutrition, balancing your finances.  Just because you are regularly involved in these does not make them less critical to your success than items that only come up once a month or once a year.  Realize how valuable the tasks you choose to do regularly are, and focus on getting them right.  For instance, don’t drop your regular weight lifting session for a date.  Make the date wait until after your weights.  This keeps your focus on what you need to accomplish for your own mission.

The Talmud is exploring the laws of changing your place of eating after making a blessing on the food.  For items that require reciting a blessing after eating, you are tethered to the place you began eating since you need to return there for the after blessing.  The practical wisdom here is to go back and finish what you start.

On the subject of blessings at a meal, the Gemara notes that when a holiday falls just after the Sabbath we allow using the same cup of wine for “Havdala”, the blessing ending the Sabbath, and “Kiddush”, the blessing marking the start of the holiday.  Normally we do not use the same cup for two separate processes, but our sages conclude that Kiddush and Havdala are the same process.

This is odd as they seem to be opposites: Havdala is an end while Kiddush is a beginning of something new.  This teaches us that when you make separations and boundaries in life, you can allow more holiness in.  Keeping the wrong ones out gives you space to let the right ones in.

Examine the ways you end projects or relationships.  Do you make a clear cut off and wrap up loose ends?  In the same manner you finish these items, you tend to start the the next one.  Being able to make a proper end to projects allows you to begin the next item for your mission wholeheartedly.

The Talmud is examining some laws of meals, including the blessings over wine.  We discussed why blessings are important and what they teach us about gratitude.  We always being the Sabbath and holidays with a special blessing said over wine, the “Kiddush”.

The Gemara brings a statement that if a man made the blessing over wine in the Synagogue, he does not need to repeat it at home to drink more wine, since he had drinking more in mind.  However, if he has a superior wine at home, he makes a different blessing over that: “hatov vehametiv” meaning He goes good and better.  This blessing reminds us that God does not make everything the same.  Can you imagine a world where every cup of wine was identical in taste, texture, and aroma?

Instead, God gives us limitless varieties, and even gives mankind the wisdom to come up with new combinations and methods to produce even more tastes and treats.  The special “hatov vehametiv” blessing is also only said with more than one man present, not when drinking alone.  One of the best ways to appreciate a fine wine or any of the finer things in life is to share it with your friends.

You can develop your own gratitude by appreciating what is going well for you now, and giving thanks for what you have. This blessing reminds us not only to acknowledge what is good now but also to plan to improve further.

On a macabre note, this blessing was instituted in the aftermath of one of the greatest tragedies in Jewish history.  After the failed Bar Kochba revolt against the Romans around 1900 years ago, the Romans massacred countless Jews at Beitar.  For years the Romans used the Jewish blood to fertilize their vineyards.  Finally, the Jews in Israel were given permission to bury the bodies from Beitar, and found that they had not decayed.  This was a double blessing, and the “hatov vehametiv” was composed by our sages.

The Talmud examines the law of continuing an ongoing meal after the Sabbath or holiday begins.  The opinion of Rabbi Yehuda was that we should interrupt the meal and start a new meal in honor of the Sabbath or holiday.  The Gemara brings an ancient exchange:

And there was an incident involving Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel, and Rabbi Yehuda, and Rabbi Yosei, who were reclining and eating together in Akko on Friday afternoon, and the day of Shabbat was sanctified, i.e., Shabbat began. Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said to Rabbi Yosei: Berabbi, a title for an important man of distinguished lineage, is it your will that we should interrupt and be concerned for the statements of our colleague Yehuda, who maintains that one is obligated to interrupt his meal?
He said to him: Each and every day you cherish my statements before those of Rabbi Yehuda, and rule in accordance with my opinion, and now you cherish the statement of Rabbi Yehuda before me? Rabbi Yosei continued by applying a verse to this situation: “Will he even force the queen before me in the house?” (Esther 7:8).
Rabban Shimon said to him: If so, if displaying concern for Rabbi Yehuda’s opinion will be viewed as a halakhic ruling, we will not interrupt, as perhaps the students will see that we have broken off our meal and will establish the halakha for generations in accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Yehuda. The Sages later said: They did not move from there until they established the halakha in accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Yosei, that one need not interrupt one’s meal on the eve of Shabbat and Festivals.

The concern for not setting the wrong example was so great that not only did the sages refuse to interrupt, but they established the law like Rabbi Yosei, to counter any idea that the law should go like Rabbi Yehuda.  Apparently they had thought to act in accordance with Rabbi Yehuda out of respect since he was present at the meal, and then when the issue came up, they voted against him.

We should be aware when we are trying to make other people comfortable or feel more respected.  This is not necessarily a problem, but it may lead to a situation where you set the wrong precedent.  A man who routinely defers to others out of politeness may end up being looked down upon, and the people he honors may feel like they can walk all over him.

Today we begin the final chapter in Pesachim,  which describes the laws of the Passover Seder,  the festive meal commemorating the Exodus.  This is famously eaten reclining like royalty,  with matzah and four cups of wine.

The first Mishnah in this chapter concludes: they must not give less than four cups of wine, even to a man who takes from the charity plate. The Rashbam explains that if the charity administration did not give the poor man enough, he must obtain the wine for himself by borrowing, selling his furnishings, or hiring himself out.

Even if the community has to help take care of you, you must put in the effort to take care of yourself.  Even the most impoverished Jew was expected to try to pull his own load.  Every man, at times,  must rely on others, perhaps not for food but at least for advice and counsel.  Be aware of this and be ready to give and receive help to your brothers.

The Torah requires the Passover offering, “Paschal lamb”, be a male sheep or goat in the first year.

The Talmud rules that if you consecrate a female or a male older than one year for your Paschal lamb, you must let the animal graze until it gets some blemish that prevents sacrificial use, then sell it and use the money for a peace offering.

We might have assumed that trying to sanctify the wrong animal has no effect, and the animal remains a normal unconsecrated animal, and can be used for anything.  This is not so, even a mistaken consecration has some effect.

Any effort you make for self improvement is never wasted.  Simply putting in the time and energy on getting a better life demonstrates to yourself that you are a worthy investment.