The Talmud continues to explain the laws of fasting on Yom Kippur.  Our sages teach that someone who eats in excess, to the point that he hurts himself, has done something wrong but is not technically liable for eating on Yom Kippur.

Food is supposed to be nourishing and enjoyable.  Eating too much or too fast ruins this.  In our modern world with industrialized food production, many “foods” have been developed specifically to encourage you to eat more, even though they lack real nutritional value.  This increased consumption generates more profits for the companies, at the expense of your health.  Recommended reading on this topic: “Salt sugar fat” and “Wheat Belly”.

The same applies to other potential pleasures in life.  Don’t ruin a walk in the woods or a scenic drive because you feel a need to get to your destination.  When engaged in an enjoyable conversation, don’t rush it, look at your partner and take in what you see.

The Talmud also explains the specific verses that require self affliction on Yom Kippur.  The Torah does not punish actions unless there is a specific warning in the verse. Some faiths empower their clergy to punish you of you are “bad”, whatever that word means to their arbitrary authority.  God has very clear expectations of us and spells them out in the Bible, avoiding that pitfall.

Take a lesson from God: In your own relationships, be consistent and clear with your personal boundaries, and enforce them.  Don’t leave it up to others to figure them out.  Don’t have arbitrary expectations, or appear to be arbitrary because you are not consistent with boundary enforcement.

The Talmud is examining the amounts of food and drink that are forbidden on Yom Kippur. When someone is sick on Yom Kippur, they may be allowed to eat less than this amount, in order that he will still be “afflicted” since he is not eating enough to relieve hunger pangs.

Today we learn that for solid food, the amount is fixed, but by drinking liquid the amount depends the size of his own cheek.  A cheek full is enough to start quenching your thirst, but you will not be relieved of thirst by drinking as much as a smaller man’s cheek holds.

The Gemara also notes that eating the set amount of food always sates your hunger somewhat, but that obviously eating fatty meat relieves hunger better than the same size of vegetables.

You need to know what you want out of life, and how much you need to be satisfied.  Some men are happy with a week of vacation each year, others feel a need for more, and a few are so involved in their business or mission that the idea of abandoning it is anathema.  Likewise some Bros lift every day, others once or twice a week, since more would be counter productive for their own body.

The key is to know yourself and how much you need for your own best interests.  Beware of programs that encourage you to do something in a fixed amount or frequency. That amount was set by the author of the plan, not by you.  You need to be the man who knows yourself and sets your program.

Another element of this wisdom is to be aware of what the people in your life need as well.  If someone feels she needs more than you are willing and eager to give, do not become the one this person depends on.  You don’t want to enter a situation where you are putting in effort but it is not appreciated.

Today the Talmud explores the exact amount of food that causes satiety.  If someone is sick on Yom Kippur, they may be allowed to eat less than this amount, in order that they will still be “afflicted” through not eating to satiety.

During this debate, our sages compare the amount for Yom Kippur to the amount of fruits that would trigger an obligation to eat in the Sukkah, the temporary booth constructed for the holiday of Sukkot.  The Gemara cites a source that “targima”, literally delicacies, require eating in the Sukkah.  Targima usually refers to meat and fish eaten with bread (Rashi) or items made of grains (Tosafot, Pesachim 107).

Our sages conclude that targima here refers to fruits, and this teaching is from a place where fruits are rare.  Since people cannot readily obtain sweet fruits, they are considered especially valuable and called delicacies.  Keep in mind that historically people did not have much sugar or sweeteners, so sweet fruits were considered a special food.

The wisdom here is that when something is rare, it is considered to be more desirable.

When you are not constantly available (because you are involved in developing your chosen mission in life) you will be considered more valuable to others.  Don’t give your time and energy freely, these are your essential resources.  Save them for people who appreciate you.

The Talmud is discussing which restrictions of Yom Kippur apply to children.  Minors (in Jewish law up to 13 for boys and 12 for girls) are not obligated yet in the Bible’s commandments.  However, minors cannot wear leather shoes on Yom Kippur, since people will assume that their parents put these on.

The Gemara notes that items necessary for a child’s normal growth and development were not banned, and states that food and bathing were necessary while wearing shoes was not.  The Talmud brings this practical advice for growing boys:

Abaye said: My mother told me: A child’s growth requires bathing in hot water and anointing with oil. When he grows a little, feed him egg with kutaḥ dip. When he grows a little more, he must have vessels to break. This is like Rabba who bought cracked ceramic vessels for his children, and they broke them for their enjoyment.

Boys enjoy roughhousing and play fighting, and will damage toys, household utensils, and sometimes one another.  In prior generations this was expected and normal, and our ancient sages bought things specifically for the boys to break.  Everyone understood that this was normal human nature and they let boys he boys.

In modern times, the mainstream feminized society typically tries to treat boys like girls.  However, boys are intrinsically more wild and aggressive and less likely to sit still.  So normal healthy boys are then treated like defective, abnormal girls, and often punished and medicated.

This is a great injustice to our boys.  Jewish wisdom teaches that boys will be boys, and will be more aggressive than girls.  We know boys need a healthy outlet for this, such as sports and martial arts, or even the chance to run and Romo outdoors.  Modern culture has lost touch with human reality.

The Talmud seeks a source for the rule that we do not engage in intimate relations on Yom Kippur.   We cite Genesis 31:50, where Lavan asks Jacob to swear not to afflict Lavan’s daughters or add more wives.  The Gemara explains that afflict here means withholding regular marital relations.

We know that the Bible considers sexual intimacy a key component of marriage. A lack of sex is affliction.

Lavan did not want Jacob to marry additional wives. Not only since each current wife would get less sexual attention, but it would also cause more stress for his daughters.  Keep in mind that in ancient times it was considered totally normal for a man to have many wives.

When a woman has a rival for a man’s attention, this evokes in her a feeling of competition anxiety, a feeling of worry that the other woman may win his affection.  Some women respond to this by doing more for her man, so this competition is healthy.  Women would rather share a successful, valuable man than be with a loser.

A man need not actually be dealing with multiple women at a time to evoke this healthy stress.  If a man is attractive and well spoken, other women will naturally gravitate towards him, and his woman will see these potential rivals and work on the relationship to keep his attention on her.  We discussed this mentality of abundance and King David.

However, some women have an attitude from feminist indoctrination that they should never be in the position to need to please a man, or are simply insecure.  For these women, the thought of having to put in more effort than another woman to win a man’s attention, affection, or commitment is a terrific insult.  She may detonate the relationship instead of putting in actual work, since she feels that is beneath her, that the man should be doing all the work.

A man needs to be aware of what kind of woman he is dealing with, and consider how he can be attractive enough that she puts effort into keeping him.

The Talmud is discussing the Manna that fell from heaven to feed the Jews in the wilderness.  Our sages note a verse stating that angelic bread was eaten by “Man” (Psalms 78:25), and suggest that since Joshua was called “a man in whom there is spirit” (Numbers 27:18), this implies that Joshua received Manna in the same amount as everyone else put together.

The Gemara asks why Man there does not mean Moses, since the Bible states “the man Moses was very humble” (Numbers 12:3).  Our sages explain “a man” is not the same title as “the man”.

This distinction is true in modern English as well, “the man” implies a higher level of performance.  Even “Man” is a valuable title, some male humans are called guys or boys instead, connoting less maturity and ability.

Be conscious of the labels people use for men, and the tendency some have to withhold this label if you do not perform the way they want.  For example, “a real man would do X” implies that you are not a real man if you do not do X. which it what this person is trying to manipulate you to do for them.  Same with “man up and…”

Other people will want you to think that you are not a real man if you do not do their will.  This is an obvious manipulation but common in this age when masculinity is obscured and derided.

Do not let others define what being a man means to you.  Instead, choose for yourself what actions you should be doing to earn the title in your own mind.  Then pursue them, your own goals and missions, not some else’s plans for you. You are the real master of your masculinity.

Our sages bring an explanation of Proverbs: “If there is care in a man’s heart, let him quash it [yashḥena]” (Proverbs 12:25). Rabbi Ami and Rabbi Asi dispute the meaning, one said: He should push it [yasḥena] out of his mind. And one said: It means he should tell [yesiḥena] others his problems.

We can use both opinions, if a man cannot push worries out of his mind, he should tell them to men he trusts.  Rashi comments here that they can give him good advice.

The Talmud cites a teaching that whenever God gives a curse, there is a silver lining, unlike men who engage in total revenge.  One of these is the curse put on women after Eve ate the forbidden fruit, that she would have pain during childbirth and that her desire would be for her husband.  God put into our nature that despite each woman having this curse since Eve, everyone runs after her.

This mean on a simple level that men pursue women.  The deeper significance here is that a women usually play the role of selectors, picking the man they want.  They can do so since multiple men may be interested in one woman.

This is not unique to humans, in animals the male also develops signals of fitness, success, or dominance and the females select the best specimens from among the males pursuing them for mating.

Being aware of this aspect of nature enables a man to flip the script and be the one making the choice.

The portion of Balak, Numbers 22:2 – 25:9, is most famous for the prophet Balaam (aka Bilam).  Balaam was a powerful prophet hired by Balak to curse the Jews, who were then on the border of Moav, where Balak was king.  You may recall that God allows his donkey to speak to warn him that God was against this mission, but Balaam proceeds anyway.

God does not allow Balaam to curse the Jews, and instead forces him to give blessings.  Finally, Balaam gives up, and gives Balak advice to send women to the Jews to seduce them.

 

Building a victim mentality

The Bible explains Balak’s anxiety:

Balak the son of Zippor saw all that Israel had done to the Amorites.  Moav became terrified of the people, for they were numerous, and Moav became disgusted because of the children of Israel.  Moav said to the elders of Midian, “Now this assembly will eat up everything around us, as the ox eats up the greens of the field. Balak the son of Zippor was king of Moav at that time.
Numbers 22:2-5

Keep in mind that the Amorites had attacked the Jews, and were soundly defeated:

Israel now sent messengers to Sihon king of the Amorites, saying, “Let me pass through your country. We will not turn off into fields or vineyards, and we will not drink water from wells. We will follow the king’s highway until we have crossed your territory.”

But Sihon would not let Israel pass through his territory. Sihon gathered all his people and went out against Israel in the wilderness. He came to Jahaz and engaged Israel in battle.  But Israel put them to the sword, and took possession of their land, from the Arnon to the Jabbok, as far as Az of the Ammonites, for Az marked the boundary of the Ammonites. 
Numbers 21:21-24

The Amorites had previously conquered land from the neighboring kingdom of Moav (Number 21:26-30).  Both of these countries were on the east bank of the Jordan River.  The Jews were never commanded to conquer this land, or any land of the Amorites or Moavites.  They only wanted to pass through to the west bank of the Jordan River and settle the land where Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob had lived.  However, once the Amorites attacked the Jews, their entire kingdom, including the lands they had taken from Moav in war, was fair game.

If you see that another man has something you want, or something you feel connected to, it can be natural to view him as an enemy and rival.  The problem here is that you can easily focus on the unfairness of the other man gaining this item, job, situation, or relationship.  Focusing on this jealousy allows you to blame the successful man for your own lack of achievement, instead of working on yourself to improve you lot in life.

This is exactly what the ancient Moavites did when faced with the Jews on their border.  Now the Moavites were faced with a great number of fanatical monotheists on their border, who had just conquered lands and cities that had formerly been part of Moav.  This made them feel threatened and anxious that they would be the next kingdom to fall to the wave of monotheists.  The Moavites did not realize that the Jews were commanded simply to cross through to the west bank of the Jordan, not to invade Moav.

They assumed that since the Jews had supernatural aid in defeating the Amorites, then Moav should enlist such forces against the Jews.  Therefore Balak sends for Balaam to curse the Jews:

He sent messengers to Balaam the son of Beor, to Pethor, which is by the river of the land of his people, to call for him, saying, “A people has come out of Egypt, and behold, they have covered the “eye” of the land, and they are stationed opposite me.
So now, please come and curse this people for me, for they are too powerful for me. Perhaps I will be able to wage war against them and drive them out of the land, for I know that whomever you bless is blessed and whomever you curse is cursed.”
22:5-6

The Torah tells us that Balak already knew about Balaam’s supernatural abilities.  You may have noticed the amazing part: Balak knows that Balaam can give true blessings as well as curses.

Imagine if Balak had hired Balaam to bless Moav instead of cursing the Jews.  He could have asked for Moav to be blessed with impenetrable defenses so the Jews would not even try to invade.  Instead, his working assumption was that the Jews were out to victimize Moav and needed to be cut down with a curse.

Again, a person with a victim mentality will look to blame other people and tear them down instead of building up his own strength and reputation.

What could have been

Later in the Bible, God bans Ammonites and Moavites from marrying into the Jewish people:

No Ammonite or Moabite shall be admitted into the congregation of the LORD; none of their descendants, even in the tenth generation, shall ever be admitted into the congregation of the LORD,
Deut 23:4

This means they can convert to Judaism, but must marry another convert instead of the original “congregation”.  While a convert is a full Jew, in practice this would dissuade conversion (and we already do not encourage conversion).

What is really interesting is the reason given:

because they did not meet you with food and water on your journey after you left Egypt, and because they hired Balaam son of Beor, from Pethor of Aram-naharaim, to curse you.— But the LORD your God refused to heed Balaam; instead, the LORD your God turned the curse into a blessing for you, for the LORD your God loves you.— You shall never concern yourself with their welfare or benefit as long as you live. 
Deut 23:5-7

The expected behavior was for the Ammonites and Moavites to be willing to allow the Jews to pass through their land on the way to Israel, and to sell them provisions. This was because Ammon and Moav were distant cousins to the Jews, as they descend from Lot and his daughters, and Lot was Abraham’s nephew.

Moav could have made a lot of profit off of the Jewish travelers, who had Manna from heaven but repeatedly complained about that.  Instead they saw the Jews as a threat and a rival, and wanted to curse them. 

Imagine what would have happened to Moav if Balak had asked Balaam for a blessing that Moav would get rich from trade with the Jews, or become business partners with them.  Moav could have become a major financial center, a shining civilization.  Feeling like a victim prevented Balak from taking this approach.

When you have a rival, or feel jealousy towards another man, you need to think if there is a way you can channel this energy to a positive outcome.  Maybe this man is successful because he has a certain approach to his finances or relationships.  Can you learn from him?  You may even be able to enlist him as a mentor by changing your jealousy into curiosity and admiration for what he does.

Feeling like a victim of others is the easy way out.  It feels good to externalize your problems onto someone else, as this absolves you of blame for your own situation. 

Yes, there are always some things beyond our control.  But in reality your life is mostly the result of your own choices.  Playing the victim card is also playing the get out of honest self improvement card.  We need to face our own failures, and learn from our own successes and those of other men around us.

 

We have begun the final chapter in Yoma, about the restrictions Jews practice on Yom Kippur.  These include prohibitions on eating and intimate relations.  The Talmud inquires exactly which restriction the Bible means in Lev. 16:29 and 31 when it commands “afflict your souls”.

Our sages suggest that this mean to refrain from eating and drinking, as seen in Deut. 8:3 where the same word affliction means hunger.  However, the Gemara notes that decreasing sexual activity is also called “affliction” in Genesis 31:50 and Deut. 26:7.  We explained that the Bible recognizes that the primal need for intimacy between man and woman.  This need is on par with hunger for food, which is the basic requirement for human survival.

As we explained in Mishpatim, the Bible requires regular and high quality intimacy as a key component of marriage that cannot be waived.  If you are in a marriage without good sex, this is not a Biblical marriage.  We see today that the need for human intimacy is on the same primal level with eating and drinking.

During this exposition, the Gemara mentions that the Manna from heaven was a form of affliction – a test – as well (Deut 8:16).  This was because each person received exactly what he needed for that day only, except on Friday, when God gave for the Sabbath as well.  When a man doesn’t have certainly that he will eat tomorrow, this provokes profound anxiety and uncertainty.

We can apply the same concept to intimacy as well.  A man who knows he can get this basic need met is less anxious and more confident, and less easy to tempt and control. He can use his time and energy for other pursuits instead of pursuing women.  The Talmud calls this man one who has “bread in his basket”, in modern language we could say he has a mindset of abundance.  We discussed this concept regarding King David.

The last lines of today’s Daf have another amazing insight:

Reish Lakish said: The sight of a woman is better than the actual act of relations, as it is stated: “Better is the seeing of the eyes than the wandering of the desire.” Ecclesiastes 6:9

A man can see a woman and start thinking that she is amazing, perfect, and that he has to have her.  But when he finally works up the courage to approach her and start talking, he may find she is not quite as good as he assumed from just looking.

Even more dangerous than this is a man who puts a woman up on a pedestal even when he should have figured out that she isn’t worthy of this.  Men who lack the mindset of abundance may obsess over the first woman who pays attention to him, some men even pay for the “privilege” of having a woman he never met talk to him online.

To resist this urge, Jewish tradition teaches us to really know a person before committing, even in context of a maidservant.

 

Today we examine the differences between the High Priest and the priest anointed to lead the people in battle.  Along the way, we mention the famous “Urim uTumin” which was a parchment placed into the breastplate of the High Priest.  This item could answer questions posed to God.

The Talmud notes that the questioner had to ask one question at a time and to ask in a proper order.  You need to figure out exactly what you need to know before you try to get the information.  Don’t waste time asking the wrong questions, get to the point.

The Urim uTumin was used before the civil war against the tribe of Benjamin, after some Benjaminite criminals raped a concubine (Judges 19).  When the other tribes asked if they should go and fight, they were given the reply to go.  But they were beaten back by Benjamin.  The third time they asked shall we go again to battle or stop, and were told to go and they will win (Judges 20:28).

When you are trying to make a decision, weigh both options, not just the one you want.  Every choice you make to follow one path excludes other options.  You have limited time and resources, so consider the alternatives.

The Urim uTumin worked by lighting up Hebrew letters on the breastplate.  However, these were not always in order, and required wisdom to properly interpret the message.  In one famous instance, Eli thought the Urim uTumin was telling him Hannah was drunk, when it was truly indicating she was righteous, as these words are formed with the same letters.

A man needs to be aware of his context to receive the messages other people (and God) are sending.  Sometimes even when you get the messages, you need to think about the context and avoid the temptation to assume you know the  interpretation.