The Talmud explores the issue of how someone mourns on the Sabbath after burying his relative.  There was a debate between the sages in Babylon and Rabbi Yohanon in Israel over what this person should do.  The authorities in Babylon forbid noticeable mourning practices on the Sabbath and even allowed a mourner to engage in marital intimacy that day.  However, later sages in Babylon followed Rabbi Yohanon and ruled that while public signs of mourning were not acceptable on the Sabbath, private expressions of grief were still required.

The Gemara brings a story of a man who went ahead and slept with his wife on the first Sabbath of his mourning.  His fate was that when he passed away, pigs devoured his body, or some say only his penis.  Either way, he was dishonored for his lustful act when he should have been privately mourning his relative.

What was this man thinking?  Jewish law actually teaches that sexual intimacy is a key component of marriage.  See Mishpatim for an explanation of how this is derived from scripture itself.  There is a Mishnah (Talmud, Ketuvot 61b) that if a man vows not to have (intimate) pleasure from his wife for over a week, she is entitled to divorce him and get paid the value of her marriage contract.  The reverse also applies: a woman who withholds herself from her husband loses her marriage contract.

The Mishnah details that the wives of men who are away from home for long periods such as camel drivers and sailors cannot expect such a frequency.  If a man wants to change his profession to one that will require him to be away from home, his wife can veto this on account of the reduction in marital intimacy.

So it appears that the man in question had a rational basis for his choice.  However, the Mishnah and Gemara rule here that we must observe private practices of mourning, including refraining from intimacy.  In a normal relationship people can control themselves for a week while they work through the grief of losing a family member.  It appears that by choosing instead to pig out during that time, this man was punished by pigs.

It is important to be able to balance our priorities in life.  We have important goals but sometimes they must be temporarily shelved to focus on a specific event or situation.  This is not to say that one item is more important than the other.  However, a wise man learns to delay gratification to focus on what needs to be accomplished immediately.

The Talmud brings a surprising teaching that when a major sage passes away, his academy stops learning to observe mourning.  We would assume that the best way to honor the loss of a teacher is to continue and add to your learning despite the grief.  While learning is indeed the greatest ultimate goal, first the students must stop and reflect on what was lost.

So often in modern society we are so busy that we never carve out time to stop and just think about what is happening.  Men make major mistakes due to lack of giving real thought before making decision.  While everyone reacts to events through their instincts and then their emotions, human beings are blessed with the ability to use intellectual analysis as well.

However, many men are not used to harnessing their rational capabilities.  Make a regular time, perhaps each day or every week, to set everything aside and think.  Build up a regular habit of thinking about your life and how to make it better.  Repetition reinforces the power of your thought and over time you will see results.

Today the Daf also teaches that a man who lost his wife should not immediately remarry, unless he has no children yet (as there is a commandment to have children, Genesis 1:28) or has small children to care for.  The idea here is that the man should appreciate his first wife and pay her proper respect.  Tosafot brings another concept: it would be improper to remarry immediately, since while in bed with a new woman he may recall the experiences with his first wife.

Marital intimacy is a powerful tool and is considered a vital element of the relationship (see Mishpatim).  Our sages teach that a man should not think about someone else during this critical act of connection.  Today, secular society teaches both men and women to explore or party when they are young.  I am not moralizing or judging anyone, but whatever choices we make, we should be aware that they can result in a decreased ability to connect on a deeper level.

The Talmud explains how mourning over a father or mother is more intense and longer lasting than over another relative.  At first glance this is strange, after all, the loss of parent is the most normal and expected type of departure.  The loss of a younger family member is by comparison unexpected and often shocking.

However, there is a deeper loss with the passing of a parent.  Parents give you your first identity.  A child lacks his own identity and associates himself with his parents.  Often a baby’s first words are mommy and daddy, and at a very young age he learns to identify himself to others as their child.

Therefore, in Jewish wisdom the loss of a parent is also considered a loss of part of one’s own identity, and is more intense.  There is also a factor that we must respect for our parents, as stated in the ten commandments (Exodus 20:12).  After a parent passes, their child doubts if they showed proper respect and appreciation during their lifetime.

It is incumbent on all of us to express our gratitude while we can for those who do so much for us.

The Talmud also teaches that while the custom is for someone mourning their parent to not attend parties for 12 months, there is an exception to this, a “celebration of friendship”.  This was a situation where one man or family hosted a meal for his friends, and then they reciprocated.  Men would take turns preparing for the others.  A mourner in this situation is allowed to attend and make this meal, provided the rotation has already begun.

Today some men have an echo of this ancient practice, a “Kiddush club” in which men take turns bringing a bottle of alcohol to share after Sabbath prayers.  We put ourselves into a situation where we will be expected to give and share with our friends, and build a network of mutual gratitude.

Who do you have gratitude for and how can you repay it now.  Don’t wait until your parent and friends are buried to show respect and give thanks.

The Talmud is delving into mourning practices, including the restriction on a mourner greeting others during the first week.  The ban is on the customary greeting of “Shalom aleichem” or peace unto you, which evokes a reply “aleichem Shalom”.  The mourner is not at peace and not supposed to be at peace, so he cannot wish others peace or receive a blessing of peace.  This is intended to help the man in mourning focus on and cope with his loss, and to get other men to realize that he is in a dark situation and needs consolation.

The Gemara cites an event that illustrates that an exception to this rule:

The son of Rabbi Akiva died, and all the Jews entered to eulogize them with a great eulogy.  When they were about to take leave, Rabbi Akiva stood on a large bench and said: Our brothers, the house of Israel, listen!  Even had I lost two sons who were bridegrooms, I would have been consoled on account of the honor you have shown them. If you came to console for the sake of Akiva, there are many Akivas in the marketplace.

Rather, this is what you said to yourselves: “The Torah of his God is in his heart” (Psalms 37:31).  All the more so is your reward doubled (for both consoling mourners and showing respect for the Torah).  Return now to your homes in peace.

Rabbi Akiva was the leading sage and teacher of his generation, so he understood that the massive showing was out of respect for his position, not really for himself or his son personally.  Nonetheless, this did not bother him.  He was able to overcome his own grief and bless the people with peace.

A man in a position of leadership must master his own feelings for the good of the group.  Even when suffering personally, a figurehead of the community needs to take the needs of others into account and interact with them pleasantly.  In Jewish wisdom, attaining high office is not a reflection of your own greatness, but a sign that you are capable of managing the responsibility to serve the public.

If a leader takes insults or arguments to heart and lashes out, this undermines his authority.  A common theme among weak men is an inability to take criticism and remain calm.  They make the normal toil of holding office about themselves personally, instead of about the community.

The Talmud discusses if a man should observe mourning when one of his close relatives loses their own family member.  The Gemara cites a teaching of the sages that if a man’s wife is in mourning, he cannot urge her to put on makeup and eye shadow.  Instead he mourns with her.

A man needs to be aware that when someone is feeling down or suffering from a loss, you should not push them to do what you want.  Don’t try to make someone else compartmentalize their grief for your benefit.

The Gemara continues noting that even during a woman’s mourning she can continue regular acts of service such as pouring his wine, making the bed, and washing his hands and feet. (It was common to wash feet since they often wore sandals, and even with shoes the roads were dirty).

These are normal activities that a wife does to assist her husband, and vice versa.  Even though she is suffering from the loss of a family member, she is still able to function as a partner in her relationship, even if she cannot put on makeup.  This observation teaches is that it is not normal if a person tends to get so wrapped up in her own feelings that she cannot continue her role as part of the family when she is emotional.

A person cannot control feeling sad, but should be able to regulate how they express their emotions through using intellect.  A rational person realizes that he or she must continue as part of the family even while focused on mourning.  If a person cannot contribute as part of a family or partnership due to emotions, this person is dysfunctional.

Before a man commits to a relationship, he should carefully observe the potential partner during times of stress and heightened emotions.  Evaluate if this person can keep functioning despite strong feelings.  Does her life stop while she tries to cope with her emotions?

The Daf dives into the question of if a professional scribe can work during the middle days of a holiday.  Writing legal documents and religious items such as Mezuzot, Tefilin, and Torah scrolls is complex and high level work.  Our sages debate if this can be allowed on hol hamoed, with some arguing that the scribe can only write if he needs money for the festival.  The implication of this issue in Jewish law is that we should avoid writing during hol hamoed without a pressing need.

Later rabbis who codified the law noted that a man can write down his personal insights during hol hamoed, can go and hear someone teaching and note those insights, and even copy down portions of a new book that won’t be available to him after the holiday.  The Mishnah Berurah 545:47 (Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan, 1838–1933) explains that writing down your own ideas is also allowed as they are often forgotten, and that after the holiday a man needs to spend his time studying new areas, not trying to remember the ideas he came up with the week before.

Write down your ideas not only to share with others, but for your own personal use.  You may have a terrific insight or plan, but if you wait you will lose it.  Record your personal wisdom and review it.

Mankind is unique among all species in that we communicate and preserve our wisdom in writing.  A man who goes through life without stopping to think and record his own thoughts is reducing himself to an animal that acts out of instinct.

The Talmud cites a ruling that during the middle days of a festival we can write marriage documents. The Gemara debates if this means a man can even get engaged during hol hamoed. In Jewish law a marriage has two steps, the engagement or kiddushin and the huppah or nisuin after which the couple moves in together.

We discussed on Daf 8 that the second stage, the actual marriage ceremony, is not allowed during a festival since we are commanded to rejoice in the holiday, not in taking a new wife.

Shmuel teaches that the first stage of marriage is allowed, since maybe another man would get to her first. The Gemara poses a challenge from another statement from Shmuel that there is a soul mate for every man. If heaven has selected a specific woman for this man, why would he need to rush and engage her during hol hamoed?

Shmuel explains that soulmate is not set in stone, but is mutable. Another man could pray for this woman and be able to marry her instead. Therefore since your soulmate could be lost to you, go ahead and engage now. We also understand that a certain woman may be an appropriate match for a man at one phase of his life, but if the man works on himself and changes who he is, she would not longer be fitting at all.

The Talmud brings a story of a man who prayed obsessively to marry a specific woman, and eventually prayed that either he die or she should die first. One explanation is that he saw he would be unable to marry her himself, despite his prayers, and was distraught at the idea of the person he considered his one soulmate going to a different man.

He had developed a bad case of what is called “one-itis”, an obsession over a specific woman based on assuming that she is the “one” for him. This was so bad that he wanted to die rather than see her wed another.

However, another version of the Gemara is that the man prayed so well for this woman that he actually got her. Then after they married he was praying that one of them would die, because she wasn’t the soulmate he had hoped for. He got what he thought was good for him, but this was based on obsession, not reality.

It appears that this man went into the relationship having put her up on a pedestal in his heart.  Even if she had originally been appropriate as a wife for him, his attitude ruined the marriage.  One-itis or pedestal treatment is not a healthy way to forge a real bond with another human being.

It is a common impression that we all have a soulmate, but this is not a hard a fast rule.  The Rambam writes that it would be incompatible with free will, which is a key concept of Jewish philosophy. While men may have an inclination towards certain types of women, the actual individual is up to his choice.

A man should remember that nobody is perfect for him, and if it feels to good to be true it might not be the best long term prospect.

We discussed this concept in Chaye Sarah as well.

The Talmud is discussing the laws of excommunication, and brings a true story of a high ranking rabbi who was excommunicated over a suspicion of impropriety.  This reminds us that we cannot turn a blind eye to misconduct, especially that of leaders.

The Talmud explains this man was punished because he did like rabbi Ilai (though tosafot has the wording he did not do like Ilai).

Rabbi Ilai says: If a person sees that his evil inclination is gaining control over him and he cannot overcome it, then he should go to a place where he is not known. He should wear black, and he should wrap his head in black.  Then he should do as his heart desires and not desecrate the name of Heaven in public.

Rashi and tosafot, the major early medieval commentators, both comment here that when a man goes to a new place and dresses in all black as the very poor did and wraps like a mourner, this will have the effect of reducing his desire to sin.  Rashi cites an earlier source from 1500 years ago that in such a circumstance the man will definitely not sin.

Changing your routine and wardrobe may help you break out of a rut and begin to develop new ideas about how you should behave.

Even if the man would come to sin, he is now in a place where no one recognizes him, and thus will avoid having rumors spread about him.  It appears that this concept is the source for the advertising campaign for travel to Los Vegas with the slogan what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

The idea is that if you go to Vegas, you will be able to do anything you feel like without consequences or word getting back to your friends and family.

This is the opposite of what Rashi states about going to a new place.  It is important to be aware that some people feel uneasy and circumspect when they are in a strange land, but others do see travel as a way to get away from prying eyes.

Visiting a new country can be a way to build your confidence by overcoming the awkward feeling of being a stranger in a strange land.  It is also important that if you meet someone who loves to travel, you find out what they love about it.  It could be that this person is putting herself into situations where it is easier to behave in a way she would not do at home.

Our sages draw an amazing contrast between the first king, King Saul, and King David.  Saul was utterly righteous in his personal life but ended up becoming ineffective as a leader (Pirkei d’Rabbi Eliezer 44, Talmud Yoma 22b). David had challenges and failures in his private life, but maintained his kingship.

The Talmud explains that David worked hard on maintaining his humility. Even when he was king he would sit on the floor when learning from his own rabbi. In private he was soft and receptive to the advice and teachings of others. In public and especially in war he was hard and aggressive.

We see that David had control over his own humility. He could turn it on when needed. Saul was righteous and humble, but he was always humble, even when others insulted him (I Samuel 10:27) or pushed him to disobey God’s commands (1 Sam. 15:9 and Yoma 22b). Therefore, Saul was not able to assert himself as king, and eventually other people overruled his mission to destroy Amalek as God required.

To be effective as a leader, a man must be able to  continue learning and listening to others. However, once he makes an appropriate decision, he needs to stick to it despite protests and doubts from his followers.

A man who is constantly humble and self effacing cannot last long as a leader, while a man who does not consult others and relies only on his own perspective will also fail.

The Talmud begins to discuss the restrictions on mourners during the first seven days, called the shiva.  One of these is to avoid sexual relations, and the Gemara notes that King David did not engage in this during mourning (II Samuel 12:24).

When a man feels down, one of the greatest temptations is to find something to lift his spirits and take the edge off.  Intimacy is the greatest of physical pleasures (there are higher levels of pleasure that are not physical), so wanting that to take the mind off a sad situation should be expected.

However, our tradition teaches that when a man is in mourning he must focus on his loss and avoid indulgences.  Men should have the time and space to feel their sadness and learn to live in a world without the departed relative. Seven days without one physical joy is a small price to pay for a lifetime of coping better with loss and change.

Ecclesiastes (Kohelet in Hebrew), chapter 3 famously states: To every thing there is a season…A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.

When engaging in intimacy a man should be fully present, and not distracted by his thoughts and emotions.  Using sex as a coping mechanism for loss makes that act itself less meaningful.  Marital intimacy is a gift to mankind, that should be used with proper focus and joy.