The Talmud continues to explore who can get a shave and haircut during the middle days of a festival (hol hamoed).  We mentioned yesterday that a man released from jail can groom, today the Gemara mentions that a newborn baby can have his hair cut as well.  It may sound odd that a baby or child would need a haircut, but Esav was famously born hairy, and some people do grow hair faster than normal.

The language used to describe a baby emerging from the womb is amazing: “there is no greater prison than this”.

We see that even the most supportive and nurturing environment, in which all physical needs are met, can be considered a prison.  Becoming an actualized human being is not about being in a safe place and having everything provided for you automatically.  Real life requires the freedom to explore, choose, make mistake, and grow.

Men naturally yearn for the struggle and potential for triumph, men are created with a greater tendency for risk taking.  The majority of businesses, innovations, and development of technology are created by men.  Men are also much more likely to die trying a crazy stunt or exploring an uncharted area.

In recent years, American society has become more and more focused on safety and avoidance of risk.  This reflects a feminine way of dealing with the world.  A modern man should realize that his own personal nature is not the same as the values of this culture, and find areas where he can take risks, innovate, and become exceptional.

Benjamin Franklin said “Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.”  Franklin himself was a student of Jewish wisdom and even proposed making Hebrew the official language of the USA.  A modern man must not forget that an integral part of becoming a man is the freedom to take risks.

Today we begin the final chapter of Moed Katan, which will describe the rules of mourning.  The chapter begins by explaining another allowance to the rules of hol hamoed.  While typically shaving and hair cutting was banned, a man who had, through no fault of his own, been unable to groom prior to the holiday is allowed to do so on the middle days.

We don’t extend this allowance to everyone, because then they will wait to shave and cut their hair until hol hamoed, since they won’t be working.  This would cause them to be unkempt when the holiday begins, which would be disrespectful.  Certain modern rabbis actually permit men who shave every single day to continue during hol hamoed, since they would look strange with stubble, but generally Jewish men do let their bears grow for a week.

The lesson is don’t delay taking care of yourself until you have time.  Your health and appearance are among your most vital assets, and you need to protect them.  A man needs regular exercise and to be aware of his diet on a daily basis.  Don’t indulge and become lazy, and then wait for summer to start working out again.

Your appearance reflects your status.  Proper grooming and wardrobe allow you to make a good impression.  Yes, certain groups ostensibly don’t care about how you dress, but that itself becomes the proper uniform to fit in to that setting.  For example, the billionaire wearing a t-shirt is not a problem.

The Talmud notes that one of the men who can shave and cut his hair is one released from prison.  Tosafot (early medieval commentaries) note that even if the prison allowed grooming, a man does not feel at ease in jail and won’t do a good job, so he would still be allowed to take care of himself during hol hamoed.

When a man feels down, often his grooming and self care suffer.  Be aware of this for yourself and others.  If a man looks disheveled on the outside, something negative is also going on inside.  Advise him to go ahead and care for his body, this improvement to the external will also help his self worth.

We note another important exception to the restrictions of working on hol hamoed: a man who does not have enough money for the festival is allowed to work.  Remember that we celebrate the holidays with lavish meals including meat and wine, so this man is not necessarily a pauper.  He needs extra money to properly honor the holiday and to purchase gifts for his household.

Our sages allowed hiring someone in this position even for regular agricultural work.  So during the middle days of a festival, you could hire such a man with needs to harvest your field, even though the you were forbidden from harvesting personally.

However, today’s Daf mentions a few instances in which a famous sage used this leniency or another apparent workaround, and his peers disapproved, stating that an important man should hold himself to a higher standard.  This was not based on hubris; our ancient sages were well aware than often regular men emulate the men they perceive as important.

If someone sees an esteemed rabbi hiring a man to harvest his orchard on hol hamoed, the onlooker may not realize that the worker needed holiday money, so they might think it was allowed to hire even someone who did not have needs.  They may also simply assume harvesting is permitted and come to do it themselves.  The Gemara recounts that this actually happened to Rabbi Yannai, to his dismay.

When you are in a position where other people look to you for guidance, be extra careful how you act.  Other men will assume that you already hold yourself to a high standard, so they are allowed to do whatever you do and a little more.  If you go right up to the line of what is appropriate, they will come to cross that line entirely.  This is one reason why misdeeds by religious leaders are so terrible.

The deeper level to this concept is to become aware of who you hold in esteem and are trying to emulate.  We all do this, it is a natural tendency of men.  We form hierarchies based on status, power, talent, or skill.  It is common for young men to look up to successful athletes or musicians.  This can inspire your own performance.  As you age, you may want to focus your admiration onto men who are successful in creating a business, in romantic relationships, or even in acquiring wisdom.

The Talmud brings a teaching that we can fix doors, hinges, and locks during hol hamoed.  However, this would require hammers, and the Gemara cites a tradition that until a ban promulgated by Yohanon the High Priest (about 2400 years ago), hammer were heard in Jerusalem during the middle days of the festivals.

The Gemara suggests that the ban applied to using smith’s hammers, which are heavy and noisy, but that smaller carpenter’s hammers were not banned since they are less audible, so they would still be allowed.  However, Rav Hisda objects to this understanding of the ban, since it would create a situation where each person will say that his own hammering was not too loud.  Everyone could say other people were the noise problem.

This reminds us that human beings are innately subjective.  We tend to turn a blind eye to our own failings and exaggerate our successes.  A person with an annoying habit that gets on everyone’s nerves is more often than not unaware of the extent of this behavior.

To overcome this trend, the first practical step is to get objective advice from someone outside your own situation.  Our sages advise “make for yourself a teacher” (Pirke Avot 1:6), meaning pick a man to give you unbiased opinions about yourself, and follow his advice.  That language “make for yourself” means to accept what he says even if this man is not as wise as you are, since he is certainly more objective about your life than you.

Another step is to remember that other people are deeply subjective about themselves.  If you meet someone who really sets you off, don’t take it personally or take it out on that person.  After all, they think they are okay and your trying to correct them will usually just make them more defensive.

Instead, have firm boundaries and enforce them.  Then your issue is not a personal attack, just a product of your own standards.

Don’t be afraid to cut people out of your life if they continue testing your boundaries.  If a friend keeps asking you for money or rides out of your way despite your firm refusals, you should consider if he is still worthy of being your friend.  However, you should not waste your time and energy trying to correct him unless he is providing value to your life and is open to improving.

For the laws of hol hamoed, Jewish law differentiates between a professional and a layman.  For example, we allow a layman to sew in his normal manner (provided he is performing sewing for something needed during the holiday, such as pants or shoes that are ripped and will become ruined if they are not fixed now).  However, a professional tailor or seamstress is not allowed to sew as usual, since this is an involved and professional process.  The Talmud explains how he should make some changes in his stitches to reduce the work to an amateur level.

The Gemara defines a professional tailor as a someone able to pull stitches many tight in one motion, and easily align a hem by sight and feel.  We see that a skilled expert in a task is able to accomplish it more efficiently and with less effort than a layman.

In your own life there may be certain areas where you want to be able to become more efficient in order to work towards your mission.  In other words, you need to become a professional at those tasks.  For example, if you don’t have the time and money to work with a personal trainer, you need to develop the skills to train yourself and track your progress.  If you are working on a business, it may be wise to hire an accountant at a certain phase, but you might also want to build your ability to quickly analyze your own books.  At the end of the day, no one is going to care as much about your own business venture as you do.

However, it takes time to develop real expertise.  This advice must be balanced with what we said regarding Daf 6 that sometimes it is better to hire others to take care of some tasks, to free you up for your core mission.

After discussing activities that are forbidden since they reduce the joy of the holiday, the Talmud brings another concept: we do not mix a separate joyous occasion with a holiday.  This means we do not marry a new wife on a holiday, even during hol hamoed.  Our sages cite Deut. 16:14 “you shall rejoice in your festival” as implying you shall rejoice only due to the festival, not rejoice through taking a wife at the same time.

Our sages cite a teaching that it would still be allowed to get married on the eve of a holiday.  The ceremony would be during the day, and the feast would be that night, after the holiday began, and also count as the festive meal.  Historically this was done in times when it was hard to scrape together the funds for both a lavish holiday meal and a wedding feast.  The Talmud allows the wedding just before a festival because the main joy of the wedding is the one day of the actual ceremony itself, not the banquet after.  Jews celebrate a wedding with feasts continuing for a week.

In modern times couples often spend a small fortune on their wedding.  It is important to remember that the wedding itself is just one day in your life.  It is not the ends itself but merely a ceremony and celebration marking the beginning of the rest of your life as a married couple.  The main thing is becoming married, not having a wedding.  Some people get so fixated on the wedding that they forget about the marriage.

I have heard from more than a few contemporary rabbis that they advise families to spend less money on the wedding itself, and save money for durable items like a house, car, or furniture for the newlyweds.

Still, it is appropriate to celebrate a wedding with intense joy, and do your best to entertain and encourage the bride and groom.  This is the day they are the center of attention, and brides especially enjoy that aspect.  On that theme today’s Daf also teaches that women are allowed to prepare and apply cosmetics during hol hamoed.  The Gemara brings a hearty discussion about this:

Rav Ḥisda’s wife would adorn herself (on hol hamoed) in the presence of her daughter-in-law. Rav Huna bar Ḥinnana sat before Rav Ḥisda, and said: They taught only that a woman is permitted only with regard to a young woman, but in the case of an old woman, no (since she does not need them).

Rav Ḥisda said to him: By God!  Even your mother, and even your mother’s mother, and even a woman so old that she is standing at her grave!  As people say: A woman of sixty years, like a girl of six, runs to the sound of the timbrel.

Our sages understood that women of any age want to look good, and want positive attention and appreciation.  So makeup was permitted for all women.  The timbrel was commonly used for music at a wedding.  Women love weddings, and modern men should be aware that sometimes the wedding is given too much importance compared to the actual marriage.

The Talmud concludes this topic by recounting that Rav Bibi had his daughter apply lime as a cosmetic treatment, covering only one limb at a time.  After this treatment her skin was gorgeous and she was readily married.  An idolater in his neighborhood decided to emulate this strategy, but did not follow directions and instead applied lime to his daughter all over her body at the same time.  She died from the agony.

Lasting change is best done slowly and methodically.  When you try to change all at once there is a real danger that you will not accomplish anything.  Trying and failing at self improvement undermines your resolve, so be plan carefully how you will go about working on yourself.

The Talmud lists other activities that may interfere with the joy of the festivals, including moving the remains of a parent from a temporary location to a the ancestral burial plot.  Rabbi Meir teaches that this is allowed during hol hamoed because it brings joy to a man to have his parent interred in the family plot along with his ancestors.  Rabbi Yossi disagrees, noting that moving remains requires mourning for one day.  The Mishnah notes that we do not want people conducting emotional eulogies even prior to a festival.

First of all, this reminds us that men experience mixed emotions.  The law follows Rabbi Yossi, but that does not mean the Rabbi Meir’s teaching is without deep insight.  Dealing with the burial of a deceased loved one instills sadness, but a man does gain a sense of accomplishment by taking this responsibility seriously and making sure his family member is given proper respect.

In a broader sense, we can gain satisfaction by dealing with and then properly burying old feelings.  You may still think about something or someone that is long gone from your life.  If these emotions are distracting you and impacting your current success, one way to deal with them is to allow yourself to feel the sadness of this loss but then decide to move on.

Jewish mourning rites focus on allowing the mourners to express their feelings, but also feature decreasing intensity of mourning.  The goal is to explore memories and pay respects but to have in mind that the grieving will end.  The first day has the most restrictions, then the “shiva”, a week of intense mourning with practices to remind the mourners of the deceased.  After that, during the first month “shloshim”, shaving and haircuts are forbidden, but after that month there is a custom for the friends of the mourner to tell him to go and take a haircut.  Mourners continue to recite the Kaddish prayer for the next 11 months.

Men are capable of moving on and starting anew, but often this requires being able to get out your feelings in a constructive manner.  You may want to seek professional help, or talk out your issues with a friend or religious leader.

You may need to actively change your perspective about the past to be able to put your feelings to rest.  If you were wronged, you have every right to feel hurt (but not to take revenge, see Leviticus 19:18).  However, you may want to take a step back and reconsider if the actual event was quite as awful as your memories about it.  After all, humans do not typically remember the past objectively, we add our personal emotional context to whatever we recall.  Reexamining a bad event from a logical and stoic perspective may help you reduce the pain it causes.

If a man feels that a lost love was “the one” for him, it is very hard to get over this.  However, a man should realize that there are more fish in the sea.  You can appreciate what you learned from an old relationship and take those lessons with you in life, without continuing to invest time and emotional energy into something that is now gone.  Instead of wrestling with feelings about the past, try writing about them with the intent to get them out of your system.

The Talmud begins discussing other activities that may be forbidden during the middle of the festival because they interfere with enjoying the holiday.  There is a debate among our sages if a priest can examine a “metzora”, a man who possibly has the skin blemishes called “tzaraat”.  Tzaraat is often identified as leprosy, but per the Bible’s description it appears to be something else, as it can also infect garments and houses.

A man who has skin lesions that may be tzaraat must be examined by a priest, and if the diagnosis is uncertain he is quarantined for a week to see if they spread.  During a festival we would not conduct a first examination as that can only have a downside if he is declared a metzora or put into quarantine.  So the real debate is about examining a man who was already in quarantine.

Our sages note that if the priest rules that this man’s tzaraat is over, he can be around other people again.  That will enhance his joy during the holiday.  However, he will have to refrain from sleeping with his wife for seven days during the week of his purification process, causing some distress.  Our sages argue if a man prefers the (intimate) company of his wife or the platonic company of everyone else.

This is something modern men who are in a long term relationship should think about.  In mainstream society there is a bit of a tendency for men to become estranged from their friends when they marry or as a romantic relationship continues.  There are certainly advantages to investing time and energy on your romantic partner.  However, a man should be aware of the potential costs to his other relationships.

Our sages argued over whether isolation from friends or his wife would pain him more during a festival.  Therefore we see that there is wisdom in having strong connections both to your romantic partner and your associates, and not ignoring one to appease the other.

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The Talmud brings a teaching that we hire men during hol hamoed to go into the fields to check for kilayim, even though hol hamoed is during the holiday and like a vacation.  Recall that the Bible forbids planting “kilayim” meaning a mixture of species (Leviticus 19:19 and Deuteronomy 22:9).  The court or town authorities would sent agents to check for and uproot kilayim.

The Talmud notes that not only is this allowed during hol hamoed, but that it is a good idea to send inspectors then.  This is because they are paid from public funds.  Since many people are not working their fields during hol hamoed due to the restrictions on agricultural work, men are available and can be hired for a lower wage.  We want the greatest bang for the buck when using communal money.

This is a valuable concept for your own time management.  They say time is money, but as you age and grow in wisdom you will discover your time is worth more than money.  If you are working hard on your own goals you will gladly pay someone else to mow your lawn.  Your own time is better spent on your mission.

If you are going to give your time to others, do this when you are not involved in your own goals.  Only when you choose to be “on vacation” go ahead and give out your time.  Don’t leave your own goals on the back burner and spend your time elsewhere.

Schedule in time for your personal mission, and when it is time for that don’t do anything else.  Remember to leave yourself adequate time for proper sleeping, exercise, and preparing healthy meals.

The Talmud also brings an interesting method ancient people used to remove ants from their fields.  They would bring a clump of dirt from a different ant nest far away or across a river and place it into the local ant nest.  This would cause the rival  ants to choke one another.  Ants are territorial and their colonies will fight one another.

Be aware that human beings also develop rivalries, though in modern society these can often be hidden.  If a man suddenly finds himself out of his normal surroundings where people know him, he may revert to aggression to prove himself.

Today the Talmud discussed marking graves, which is allowed and encouraged during hol hamoed, the middle days of a festival when most work is forbidden. Our sages bring various sources for the concept of marking graves.

Burying the dead is not an explicit Biblical command, but we learn that it is very important since every human being is made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), and since God Himself buried Moses (Deuteronomy 34:6). The Talmud (Sotah 14a) explains that Deuteronomy 13:5, which commands us to “walk after God”, means to emulate Him by clothing the naked, visiting the sick, and burying the dead and the like.

Historically, many cultures were not careful to bury their dead with due respect, unless the deceased was rich or high in social status. The Pharaohs of Egypt are an example of this. Commoners did not usually enjoy what we today consider a proper burial.

Often people who could not afford a nice funeral left corpses of family members laying around or interred them wherever convenient. Our ancient sages observed that lands outside of Israel had corpses buried all over the place, and without markings, causing ritual contamination (this affected Queen Helena, Talmud Nazir 19b).

Respectful burial in cemeteries with marked graves is commonplace in modern society precisely because the ancient Jews began this trend. In fact, this concept began as “Tikkun Olam”, literally meaning fixing the world.  Tikkun Olam is a Jewish doctrine that is often misunderstood and invoked to endorse various social causes and obtain donations from Jews.

Tikkun Olam really means setting an example of proper behaviors so other people emulate you.  The Talmud explains (Gittin 61a) that we allow non-Jews to take the gleanings from Jewish fields, we give charity and care for the sick without regard to their faith or nationality, and we bury dead gentiles along with dead Jews. See also Ketuvot 72a.

This is not simply being charitable and doing the right thing. The whole point is to set an example of better behavior for everyone to follow, since everyone benefits. Imagine the intense learning experience when a pagan family had left the body of a family member to rot, then Jews came along and took the time to bury it with respect. They would have felt embarrassed and realized that there is a good reason to honor the deceased.

Tikkun Olam is not about pushing an agenda on other people or giving money for a cause. It means optimizing your own behavior to show other people a better way to live through your personal example. If people are talking about changing the world, but they are not changing themselves, they are not engaged in Tikkun Olam at all.

One of the hints to burying and marking graves is “And to him who orders his road, I will show the salvation of God” (Psalms 50:23).  This is understood to mean keeping the road clear of ritual impurity by marking graves.  Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi has another reading of the verse: Whoever appraises his own ways merits seeing the salvation.

This means getting your path through life in order by planning ahead and setting goals. Rashi explains that the intent is that you weigh your options, considering the costs and benefits of each possible path. Men have the intellectual capacity to analyze and straighten our their situation, but this is not often used.

The first step is deciding your mission, the road you want to take through life. Your mission must be what actually makes you happy and fulfilled; not what earns approval from other people. Another level to your planning is thinking about how your actions and success will set an example for other men to follow, and how you can inspire and mentor the next generation to achieve their own goals. That is Tikkun Olam, changing the world through improving yourself.