The Talmud is analyzing why a younger brother cannot perform Yibum with the widow of a brother that passed away before he was born.  To illustrate how this is possible, imagine two brothers, Abe and Ben, married to Alice and Becky.  Abe dies without children, and Ben marries Alice in Yibum.  Then a new brother Carter is born, so Ben again has a  paternal brother.  If later on Ben himself dies without children, his widows Alice and Becky are potentially eligible for Yibum with Carter.

However, since Carter was never in the world at the same time as Abe, according to most of the sages he cannot marry Alice, only Becky.  Rabbi Shimon would allow Carter to marry either widow, since when he was born Alice was already the wife of Ben, not the widow of Abe.  From Carter’s perspective she was always permitted, he never even knew Abe.

The Gemara uses an interesting language for such a brother: he was never in his world.  Now, the world is not “his”, this teaches that a person’s world is in a very real sense limited to what they personally experience.  Yes, we all know intellectually about historical events that occurred before we were born, but they seldom have any practical effect on us.  We are the product of our own generation and life experience.

This is an important fact to keep in mind when dealing with people who are a decade or two older or younger than yourself.  People see the world only through their own lens, which has been shaped and polished by their past.  This is true of people of any age – each man experiences life through the filter of his own mind.  Someone 20 or 30 years older than you will have a very different lens.  They may have a wildly divergent understanding of life, use different words for the same concepts, and may be familiar with things you never heard of.

When dealing with younger people, it may be tempting to act their age by mentioning current trends or personalities.  However, younger people may be more impressed by what you have accomplished.  Since you have had more time to develop yourself, your character, and your abilities, you should be able to demonstrate maturity and mastery to younger people.

Instead of pretending to be a peer and stumbling, recognize the differences and learn from men of different generations.  Expand your own horizons by talking to younger and older men.  Every man is in his own world.

The Talmud is discussing to what degree a man and his brother’s widow have an automatic connection (Zikah) even before a Yibum takes place.  This has ramifications if the surviving brother had been dating his sister in law’s mother or sister and wanted to marry her.  When his brother dies, his sister in law has a connection to him via the Yibum obligation which may make it forbidden to marry her relatives, since this would preclude Yibum.

While exploring the extent to which this bond exists, the Gemara cites an amazing case.  There were four brothers, and the first two were married to two sisters.  Both of the older brothers died, so the two sisters are now under consideration for Yibum to the surviving brothers.  Normally this would not be a problem, as each brother can marry one sister.

Rabbi Meir holds that in this case they must do Halitza to release the widows instead of marrying them in Yibum.  The reason he gives is that if the third brother marries one sister and dies, then both sisters will be up to one brother, and no Yibum will be possible.

Tosafot (medieval commentators on the Talmud) cite other instances where we don’t worry someone will die, and asks why Rabbi Meir worries here.  Tosafot answers that in cases such as a man sending a writ of divorce or an offering to the Temple, we indeed assume he is still alive.  These activities accomplish something specific and are considered a short term activity (even if it takes weeks or months for the item to arrive) so we rely on the fact that the man is alive.

But when one brother marries, that doesn’t mean that the next brother will marry immediately.  It could take months or years for the relationship to develop to that point.  When a man is in a drawn out process that may depend on the feelings of others, we do have some concern he will die before it can be finished.

This observation helps us to face the fact of our own death (after a long healthy life, God willing).  If you think about the reality of death every day, it is hard to complete normal activities.  But if you never think about your ultimate end, you lose the motivation to do something important with your life.

It may be helpful to ignore your mortality in the short term and focus on developing yourself and getting things done.  After you have made yourself into a more accomplished man, you really should think about death.  Ask how you can use the wisdom, character, wealth and connections you have developed to make a lasting mark on the world.

We all die, but not every man truly lives.  You cannot let your ultimate fate paralyze you, but you cannot forget about it either.

The Talmud mentions certain places that had genealogical problems.  Part of the lost ten tribes had settled outside Israel and intermarried with non Jewish women, and therefore these people were no longer Jewish.  Other cities had some Jews who had violated the Biblical prohibitions on forbidden relationships.  So a man from such a place was likely to be a bastard (mamzer) and unfit to marry into the general Jewish population.  One such place was Tarmud.

The Gemara brings a teaching that when Tarmud gets destroyed, the Jews will rejoice.  The Gemara notes that Tarmud already was destroyed, but since it straddled a river, only one side was wiped out.  The Tarmudians from the surviving side rebuilt.  Later, the side that survived the first attack was destroyed, but the Tarmudians on the second side of the river rebuilt again.  (Historically many cities were built on a river, such as Budapest, which was once two separate cities called Buda and Pest).

This is a profound concept in resilience.  If you are totally invested in one thing – be it a business, a relationship, or a hobby – then if it goes wrong you are left desolate.  Many times a man is totally wiped out by a change or loss, since they were so used to life in a set situation.  When you have options, you can rebuild your sense of self despite losing something or someone.

We also see from here that when you face a serious problem, you must totally uproot it.  Don’t let the bad habits you are fighting creep back in, wipe them out.

Our sages note that the people of Tarmud descended from the servants of King Solomon.  Those were non Jewish men brought in to hold positions in Solomon’s government.  They became very wealthy, which allowed them to pass as Jews and marry local women.  The child of a Jewish woman and non-Jewish man is fully Jewish, while the child of a non-Jewish woman is not Jewish.  The Law does not recognize any partial or halfway status.

While these children were Jewish, they had no tribal affiliation since the fathers were not actually Jewish.  While religion comes from the mother, tribal identity passes from the father.  Recall that the ancient Jews were descended from 12 tribes, each having a specific area in Israel and a distinct tribal identity and self government within the Jewish confederacy.

This caused the sons of the servants of King Solomon a profound deprivation of their sense of being a real part of the wider culture.  The tribal society that would hold people accountable for following Biblical standards and these people felt out of place and alienated.  This lack of belonging apparently led to confusion about what kind of relationships they could engage in.  These people began to ignore biblical prohibitions on forbidden marriages, creating mamzerim.

Another aspect of resilience is having objective standards or rules for yourself that you can fall back on to hold yourself accountable.  When something goes wrong, go back to basics and review your goals.  For a religious man this is easy, but any man can develop his own guidelines and find friends and mentors to keep him responsible to his own mission.

The Daf today brings an amazing story:

In the time of Rabbi Dosa ben Hurkinas, the co-wife of a daughter of one brother was permitted to the brothers in Yibum.  [This was the ruling of the academy of Shammai, which was disputed by most sages].  And this matter was difficult in the eyes of the Rabbis because he was a great Sage.  He was very old and his eyes had dimmed so he was incapable of coming to the study hall…They went and stood at the entrance of Rabbi Dosa ben Hurkinas’s house.  His maidservant entered and said to him: Rabbi, the Sages of Israel have come to you. He said to her: Let them enter, and they entered…

Instead of raising the subject immediately, they began to circle around various topics in the Law, until they came to the case of the rival wife of a daughter.  They said to him: What is the law with regard to the rival wife of a daughter? He said that it is a matter of dispute between Beit Shammai and Beit Hillel. They asked him: According to whose statement is the law? He said to them: The law is in accordance with the opinion of Beit Hillel.

What bothered the other sages was not being able to discuss the issue with Rabbi Dosa ben Hurkanus before the ruling.  The response was to immediately go to him to clarify what was going on.  However, the sages did not confront Rabbi Dosa immediately about the cowives of a forbidden woman, but discussed other subjects first and worked towards that topic.

They did not rush in guns blazing, but established that they were friends and on the same level first.  Rabbi Dosa explained that the problematic ruling was made by his brother, an ardent follower of Shammai.  As a brother he who was also called ben Hurkinus since they had the same father, leading people to think Rabbi Dosa had issued the ruling.

When you hear that a colleague is espousing ideas opposed to your own, the first reaction may be to become defensive and counter attack.  However, depending on the source, it might be better to go and discuss the issue.  You may find that what you assumed was an attack on you is really more nuanced, or not from a valued source.

The Talmud also asks who stated “I have been young, and now am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread” (Psalms 37:25).

It could not be God Himself, as there is no concept of aging by God.  King David also did not get so old.  This sounds strange as David lived to 70.  However, the Talmud concludes that that isn’t long enough to draw such conclusions about life.  Rather, an ancient angel (Metatron) said this comment and King David recording it in the Psalms.

Even with the benefit of a long life and time to reflect, don’t assume you have mastered how life works.  Keep an open mind to learn new wisdom, or new ways to apply the wisdom you have gained over your lifetime.

The Talmud has been explaining the long rivalry between Beit Shammai and Beit Hillel over the possibility of the cowife of a woman forbidden to the surviving brothers doing Yibum with a brother.  If she did, the Hillel would consider the offspring invalid, but if the cowives married without Halitza, then Shammai would hold they were living in sin.

Our sages considered making an enactment that all women in this situation receive Halitza and not Yibum, so they would not be problematic to either Shammai or Hillel.

This posed a problem since there were already married couples in which, according to Shammai, the wife should have received Halitza before marrying someone other than her first husband’s surviving brother.  The Gemara concludes that this would make the enactment impossible:

If you say let them perform ḥalitza, they will be repulsive to their husbands, as it implies she actually required a permit before their marriage. And if you would say, let them be repulsive to their husbands, we don’t do such things, as the Torah says: “Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace” (Proverbs 3:17).

Our sages were aware that the relationship between husband and wife is valuable and sacred, and we should not do or say anything that makes one partner appear less attractive to the other.

If they required as a formality that a married woman to receive Halitza from her prior husband’s brother, this implies to her current husband that she still has an attachment to that family.  Husbands can be, often rightfully, jealous of their wives having any sort of bond with other men.

Not only was this ancient good manners, it is a rule of being a man: we do not interfere in another man’s intimate business.  Of course a father must be protective of his daughters, and sometimes it is appropriate to inform a man of red flags he is not seeing in a potential mate.  However, generally we do our best not to get between two partners coming together.

For marriage to work, both partners need to see the other as a good choice.  We do not try to undermine the status of a husband or wife to the other party or make one appear less attractive to the other.  Jewish law encourages a man and woman to see one another before they marry (even though technically he could send an agent to betroth a woman he never saw).  Our ancient sages understood that marriage is not just a spiritual or practical union, but has critical physical and psychological aspects as well.

The Daf continues discussing the epic rivalry between Beit Shammai and Beit Hillel over if the cowife of a woman forbidden to the surviving brothers is eligible for Yibum. The Gemara explores if the men of Beit Shammai followed in practice what Shammai had ruled. Our sages conclude that indeed they did, since when members of Beit Hillel were seeking to marry someone from a disputed family, they would always inform them to avoid that union.

During the discussion our sages explain that the verse Deut 14:1 is not only a prohibition of wounding oneself in grief over a death, but the strange word “titgodedu” also implies that we do not form rival groups. 

Now, there are various sects and groups of Jews with their own customs.  That isn’t the problem, Jewish law allows for local customs as long as they are in conformance with the accepted framework.  Jews around the globe have developed an incredible diversity of practices and flavors.

The Gemara explains that the issue would be a court of a city in which half the judges rule like Shammai and the other half like Hillel.  Since the court for a city sets the rules for the city, this would cause confusion and factionalism among the inhabitants. 

If instead there were two separate courts, and one entire court agreed with Hillel but the other with Shammai, that would be okay.  People would have a reliable authority to cite for their approach, and each could pick which court to follow, instead of arguing over what everyone should do.

This approach gives an incredible insight in working with groups.  If you are in a group where there is a disagreement, the first step is to try to address that.  If both sides will not budge, you are better off splitting the people into two groups.  As we discussed yesterday, when both sides can respect the other people without accepting their opinion, you will still be able to get work done together. 

You will need to work around the particular issues that people were fighting over, just as Beit Shammai needed to inform the men of Hillel which people had come from a questionable Yibum marriage.  However, you should be able to guide the split up work groups back on task instead of continuing the argument.

We also see that within one group there should be a sense of cohesion and belonging, and a respect for the authorities of that group.  We value loyalty to the group or tribe.

You may see this yourself in sports or weight training.  There are many valid approaches to training, so pick a group or team and get to working towards your goals.  Be aware of the temptation to switch to a new approach, try to exhaust your options (and your body) within your current framework before you jump ship to something new and have to start over again.

Today the Daf cites the second Mishnah of Yevamot, which contains a major confrontation.  The first Mishnah taught that when one brother dies with more than one wife, but one of them is a woman who his surviving brother cannot marry, then she and all her cowives are exempt from Yibum.

The second Mishnah lists woman who are forbidden to be married to any brother:  His mother, and his father’s wife, and his father’s sister, and his paternal half sister, and the wife of his father’s brother, and the wife of his paternal half brother.  Obviously the surviving brothers cannot perform Yibum with that woman, but what about her cowives?

Beit Shammai (the members of the academy of the great sage Shammai) permit the cowives to the brothers in Yibum, while Beit Hillel forbid this, and allow them to remarry without even Halitza.  The logic of Shammai was that such a women was already forbidden, so when she marries a man’s brother, this does not cause an additional prohibition of being his brothers wife, the very prohibition that Yibum comes to allow.  Therefore these women have no impact on the laws of Yibum, so their cowives are still eligible.

This deep divide between the followers of Shammai and those of Hillel led to a multi-generational rivalry.  However, the Mishnah concludes that Beit Shammai did not refrain from marrying women from Beit Hillel, nor did Beit Hillel refrain from marrying women from Beit Shammai.  According to Hillel, allowing the a cowife of a forbidden woman to marry a surviving brother is anathema, so how could they still intermarry?

While it sounds like they just ignored this issue, the truth is quite the opposite.  Rashi explains that the followers of Shammai would always inform the followers of Hillel about any such union.  The Talmud mentions in a number of places that ancient people commonly kept track of their family tree.  Since this was quite rare it was likely that the followers of Hillel would be aware as well.  They knew that certain people were simply not eligible according to Hillel.

What these rival groups of sages did not do was to simply accept the position of the other side and sweep their differences under the rug.  Instead they acknowledged a deep divide between them, and chose to respect their rivals without accepting their opinion.

Beit Shammai was never swayed by the proofs of Beit Hillel, or vice versa.  Eventually later sages, encouraged by an echo of prophecy (Bat Kol) voted that the law follows Hillel.  But for generations these two camps held on to their mutually exclusive beliefs.

The amazing thing is that they were willing to intermarry, as long as the particular family was not from a disputed relationship.  They were able to respect people despite their contrary opinions without being forced to accept or reject them.

In modern society respect often gets confused with acceptance.  We are pushed to validate the opinions of other people in order to show that we tolerate then.  It is possible to respect others for the simple fact that they are human beings with human rights, without agreeing to what they say or even accepting the validity of their beliefs.  Hillel and Shammai demonstrated this over 2000 years ago.

A developed man has learned to respect other people without accepting their framework of life as correct.  When you are doing the right thing by your own standards, you can afford to let others do their thing to their standards.  It is only people who are truly insecure in their beliefs who seek to impose them by promoting “tolerance” or “acceptance” of their agenda.

The Talmud debates if the sister wives of a woman unable to bear children are exempt from Yibum.  Such a woman is called an aylonit, after an ayal, a male ran.  She does not develop normal female characteristics, possibly due to a dysfunctional hormonal system.

The biblical verse commanding Yibum states “The firstborn that she bears will stand in stead of the deceased…” (Deuteronomy 25:6).  This excludes an aylonit, who cannot give birth.  After all, the entire purpose of Yibum is to provide an heir to the deceased, and allow the widow to continue to some degree her previous life.

Our sages work to clarify if this scriptural exception also applies to any co-wives of this woman.  The Gemara suggests that this depends on if the husband knew she was barren or not when he married her.

If he already knew she was not going to have children and he accepted this fact, she is a full fledged wife (and he will beat children with his other wives or concubines).  But if he didn’t know, the husband has the right to annul the marriage.  After all, his implied purpose in marriage was reproduction.

What is your purpose?  Before you commit to a person, a job, or any significant decision in life, you need to analyze if your choice is aligned with your life purpose.

Is this relationship going to further your own personal mission in life, or is there a danger this person will drag you away from your goals, or harness your energy for their own goals?

Develop a strong sense of purpose and keep it in mind.  Review it and don’t let other people pull you off your own chosen course.

The Daf brings an amazing case where Yibum may be allowed with one widow but not the other.  The normal situation, as explained in the first Mishnah, is that when one widow is forbidden, all of her co-wives are likewise forbidden.

However, what if Jimmy divorces his wife Jane, who marries a different man but becomes widowed or divorced, then Jimmy marries Jane  again.  Now such a remarriage is forbidden and is even called an abomination (Deut 24:1-4).  However, Jimmy and Jane are considered legally remarried despite their sin.  But what if Jimmy then dies without children?  Then Jane and her cowives are up for Yibum for Jimmy’s brothers.

Our sages debate if in such a case they would be able to perform Yibum with a cowife but not Jane herself, or perhaps both women, or maybe neither.  The Gemara compares this to a scenario where a woman’s husband left for business overseas, and word came back that he had died.  She remarries but eventually the “dead” husband returns.  Our sages decreed that since this is akin to adultery (albeit unknowingly) she cannot be married to either man anymore.  But if the returned first husband died without children, technically this wife would be up for Yibum to the brothers of the first husband.

The Talmud also compares the case of remarriage to a woman suspected of adultery.  If there are some indications of possible adultery but no proof, there is an elaborate ritual performed in the Temple that can clear her name or cause her death through drinking a special potion (Numbers 5:12-31).   We will discuss this case, called Sotah, in the Talmud’s eponymous tractate Sotah.

But what if the husband died without children before this ceremony clarified her status?  If she was truly an adulteress, that marriage was over and there is no possibility of Yibum.  But if we don’t know, then there is some residual connection between the accused and her husband.  Maybe that is enough to allow her co-wives to perform Yibum with his brothers?

We see from the analysis in the Talmud that there is a spectrum of adultery.  We may have thought that adultery is just a yes or not question.   Yes, if actual adultery is proven then the woman cannot stay married to her husband or marry the other man (see Leviticus 20:10; Deuteronomy 22:22-29).  The Bible does not countenance adultery, cuckoldry or swinging.

However, often human relationships are not so simple.  This is an important reality to be aware of.  If you are discussing personal experiences with a potential wife or partner, she may minimize her past or tell you “it was nothing”.  Such words are totally subjective, and in her own mind it could be true to “nothing really happened” while in reality quite a bit did happen.  You cannot rely exclusively on someone’s admission or description of intimate behaviors.  You need to ask carefully and focus on facts, not feelings.

If a man is already married and trying to ascertain what happened between his wife and someone else, he should go ahead and consider the marriage over.  Any amount of adultery is too much, even if this woman is convinced in her own mind that she is innocent.  The simple fact that something happened between a man’s wife and a different man that he now needs to figure out is itself a clear message that this woman is not fit to be his wife anymore.

Today’s Daf contains a fierce debate between Rabbi Yohanon and his brother in law Reish Lakish over a key concept of Yibum: Are the man and woman performing the Yibum (or halitza, the other option refusing Yibum) acting only for themselves?  Or are they acting on behalf of all their brothers or cowives?

Yibum itself seems to be family obligation.  After all, the brothers as a whole have a command to build their deceased brother’s house by creating an heir (Deuteronomy 25:5-10).  However, taking a wife or merely being intimate are extremely personal and private decisions.

This is an important concept.  Human beings are social creatures, and more often than not even highly personal decisions are influenced by what our peers would think about it.  We see that women want to impress their peers by locking down a man of high status, wealth, or social savvy.  Men value physical attractiveness, which is typically an- indicator of future reproductive success.  However, some are also trying to prove their own worth by marrying a “trophy wife”.

Before you commit, it is important to stop and think about to what degree social, economic, and family pressure plays in your decision.  Now, such influence is not always bad, often young men are saved from making terrible decisions through talking it out with older and wiser men.  The idea is to be aware of the outside influences that may constrain or redirect your own free will.

The Rambam rules like Rabbi Yohanon, that just one surviving brother performs Yibum or halitza on behalf of all the brothers, to one widow who exempts any other widows.  So if one brother goes ahead and performs halitza to one widow, another brother cannot marry a different widow in Yibum.

When you are acting as an agent for something larger than just yourself, you tend to be more serious and thoughtful.  After all, your word or act will bind others.  A wise man considers the consequences not just to himself, but also to the people who will be affected.

If you tend to be frivolous or careless, it may be helpful to imagine that whatever you are doing is on behalf of an important business or agency, and you will be held accountable for any mistakes or waste.  On the flip side, if you personally are overly cautious and want to cut loose, you could pretend you are working for a major corporation with an endless expense account.  Such businesses often spend fortunes to impress or advertise to win more business in the long run.