The Talmud examines another case of two brothers married to two sisters, while the third brother starts off single.  One brother dies and the single brother performs Maamar, showing his intent to marry the widow in Yibum.  However, before the Yibum takes place, the other brother passes and now the sister of the woman he intends to marry must also be dealt with.

According to Beit Shammai, the Maamar makes them as if fully married, so the single man can go ahead with Yibum as he intended originally.  However, according to Beit Hillel, Maamar does not count as a legal engagement.  The man is stuck, as the Gemara taught yesterday.  He cannot marry either widow since they are sisters.  The Gemara comments woe to him over his (intended) wife, woe to him over the wife of his brother.  This case is extra tragic because this man started out single, without any other wives.

According to the majority view, Maamar is a mere declaration of intent for Yibum and does not make the man legally engaged or married.  The Gemara examines the logic of the minority view, why they argue that Maamar counts as a betrothal.

One of the reasons is that Maamar can effect a financial relationship.  If a man engages a woman and sets a date for marriage but does not end up making the wedding on that date, he now obligated to provide her with food and housing.  So too, a brother who performs Maamar and sets a date for Yibum is required to feed the widow on that date.

In return, this man is able to nullify any vows this woman makes that may interfere with their relationship.  A father can annul vows made by his daughter and the husband for his wife (Numbers 30:8-17).  While a woman had the right to make a vow, her father or husband had veto power when that vow impacted others or interfered with the family.

For instance, if she would vow not to dine with a certain neighbor, he can nullify the vow since he might be good friends with that neighbor.  She recognizes that she is being cared for by this man, and accepts his authority.  The concept is that a person won’t bite hand that feeds her.  She may also realize that the man is looking at the bigger picture and trying to do what is right for the family as a whole, not just one individual member.

This concept may sound strange in modern times.  Today the default situation, reinforced by a feminist media, is that women and children do not readily recognize that the husband and father has any real authority over them.  Fathers and husbands are typically portrayed as pathetic and ineffective, never as leaders and directors of the family.  It is now rare to find a situation in which a woman accepts that the man in her life can veto her decisions.

This idea provides a method for evaluating your own relationship.  If someone in your circle makes a decision which you object to, analyze what happens when you explain your objection.  If they are willing to listen and change their mind, this is a good sign.  If the other person believes that they are the only party with any say over their decisions, this means you have no authority.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you lack authority, why are you continuing to provide for this person who is ready and willing to bite the hand that feeds her?

The Talmud brings a case where two brothers were married to two sisters, and unfortunately both died without children.  Now the two widows are under consideration for Yibum by the surviving brother.  However, since they are sisters, he cannot marry either of them and must instead release each with halitza.

Rabbi Yehuda goes one step further and rules that in this case even halitza is not needed.  The Bible states “And you shall not take a woman to her sister, to be a rival to her” (Leviticus 18:18).  To him, this implies that even when the sisters are merely rivals to become a man’s wife, he may not marry either.

There is a certain logic in the Biblical prohibition on marrying two sisters, while allowing a man to have unrelated wives.  Trying to impress and attract two similar women at the same time is a losing proposition.  Chances are that sisters enjoy similar activities and goals.  A man trying to keep track of how he is getting along with each sister is inviting confusion.

We can extrapolate from here that it is difficult to impress

The Talmud brings a case where one brother died without children leaving two widows.  Now the surviving brother had a choice of marrying through yibum, or instead performing halitza.  Either way, he must deal with only one woman.  However, this man instead designated one widow through maamar (literally speaking, meaning a pledge to perform yibum) but gave the other woman a get (writ of divorce).

Now there is a conflict in his actions:  maamar is a pledge to marry while giving a get shows the intent to separate.  Neither actually does the job, as a yibum or halitza was required.  However, he can no longer perform yibum, as he has pushed away one of the widows, so he must perform halitza and release both.

Our sages ask if he should do halitza to the woman he pledged to marry, or the one he gave the writ of divorce to.  The Talmud concludes that there is no clear preference for either.  His actions show he was confused about commitment, and had no clear idea of what to do.

This leads to an interesting observation about modern relationships:  Sometimes a man gets close to a certain woman, but doesn’t make a real connection.  He continues to give her his time attention and hopes that a deeper relationship forms over time, but this almost never happens.  Once a woman sees him as a friend or acquaintance, she rarely can change her mind to think of his as a potential romantic partner.

Or a man may reject a woman as a potential partner, but then have second thoughts, and try to reforge a bond.  This can also be doomed to failure, as he already turned her down.  He probably had valid reasons not to connect with her, but is now choosing to ignore them, perhaps because he lacks other options.

In either case, this man is better off not pursuing either of these women, but by seeking out new opportunities that are not tainted by past failures or confusion.

The Talmud continues the theme of yesterday’s learning, and explains that when a man brought a woman her writ of divorce or testified that her first husband died, there is some suspicion if he then marries her.  Perhaps he lied in order to get this woman out of her marriage for his own benefit.  However, there is no issue for his son, brother, or father to marry her.  We do not suspect that a man will falsely get a woman out of her marriage in order for his relative to marry her.

The Gemara asks why this is not like a situation in which a man was suspected of having an intimate relationship with a certain woman, and then married her sister, mother, or daughter.  Our sages explain that women tend to visit one another.  If he marries the relative of a woman that was rumored to be involved with him, then that woman will likely visit his house.  If he is intimate with her, this would now be a Biblical prohibition since he is married to her relative.

The Talmud states that while it is common for women to go and visit with other women, it is not common for men to visit men.  This underscores a key difference between the male and female psyche.  Women get together to talk, men get together to do something.  It is atypical for a man to visit a friend unless they have a reason, like working on a project together or watching a game.  Men don’t just visit to spend time with one another, they need a purpose to bring then together.

If you know a man who lacks friends, you can give him the practical advice to start a hobby or sport that will involve other men.  He will then have reason to start associated with other men to learn and practice.

The Talmud continuing examining a Mishnah brought yesterday teaching that when it appears that a Jewish man was in a relationship with a non-Jewish woman who then converted, this raises the suspicion that she converted only for love.  If he then marries her that does not look so kosher, but the court did not force them to separate.

The Gemara compares this to suspicions about a married woman having an extramarital affair.  When there are witnesses to a married woman being with another man, her husband must divorce her and she may not marry the other man.  If the adulterers were warned beforehand they both get executed.

However, Rebbi Yehuda teaches that even if there is circumstantial evidence of possible adultery, the husband should divorce her and may not remarry her.  This can include a peddler leaving the house as the wife refastens her apron, or even the shoes kept under the bed being moved around.

However, simply seeing the shoes moved is not sufficient without some kind of rumor circulating that something was amiss.  Keep in mind that in ancient times most people lived in small villages or crowded cities with very little privacy.  There were also higher standards of modesty between men and women.  Even small displays of flirting or affection would easily be noticed and become the talk of the town.

Nowadays it may be easier to hide signs of illicit relationships, but there are always signs.  A man should not drive himself crazy if his shoes get moved, but should be aware of general trends in his relationship.  The same concept applies to friends and business partners as well.  A waning of attention is a sign that the other person may not be interested in maintaining the connection, and a warning to be on the lookout for an impending break.

The Talmud gets back to some basic concepts of Yibum, noting that the eldest surviving brother should be the one to perform Yibum, and analyzing the words “And it shall be that the firstborn that she bears shall be established in the name of his dead brother and his name will not be blotted out of Israel” (Deuteronomy 25:6).

Naturally every man wants children to carry his name once he is gone.  In Jewish thought names carry great significance and it is common for parents to name children after their own family members.  The Talmud explains that the meaning of the verse is not that we call the child from Yibum by the name of the deceased.  That is optional.  Rather, he stands in for the deceased for inheritance.

What you leave for your children is more critical than what name they bear.  The main thing you give is your wisdom, the benefit of your own experience.  What you have accomplished in life is what you can give over to others, once you have analyzed your life to find the lessons and wisdom.

The commandment of Yibum is not just about who inherits, but it allow the widow of the deceased and his brother to have someone to continue the intangible legacy of the departed.  Without any offspring, the widow will have no one to share her unique life knowledge with.  Since typically brothers grow up together, a brother is the closest thing to the deceased, and will be familiar with his experience.  Together they can give the child a positive message that he is a continuation of a great man.

Today’s Daf also brings a vital teaching regarding converting to Judaism for love.  While this is frowned upon, such a convert is valid, provided the conversion itself was proper and her acceptance of God’s commands was genuine.  The Gemara compares this to instances where people converted to Judaism to obtain wealth or political power (such as in the time of King Solomon).

It is interesting that conversion for love or marriage is akin to conversion for selfish motives.  While modern society enshrines “love” as a pure an unquestionable value, love has self serving aspects as well.  If there was no personal benefit, why would a woman leave her original faith and undertake the difficult process of converting?

If a woman is willing to accept your values, interests or faith, this is a sign that she sees her association with you as bringing her great benefit.  Do not take such behavior lightly.

The Talmud explains that a marriage takes effect even when there is a lesser prohibition, such as marrying a mamzeret, (a female bastard).  This is unlike more severe prohibitions such as a relative or already married woman, where there is no possibility of marriage existing.

The concept is learned out from the verse “If a man has two wives, the one beloved, and the other hated” (Deuteronomy 21:15).  The Bible continues by explaining that if the man’s firstborn son is to the “hated”, that son still inherits extra as due a firstborn.  A man cannot switch the son of the woman he prefers into that role.

The Gemara explains that although the husband may “love” one wife and “hate” another, his emotions obviously cannot impact the Biblical laws of inheritance.  Therefore the verse does not literally refer to his feelings towards his wives, but to the propriety of their marriages: one was a sinful union and the other was not.  Even though one marriage is objectively more “beloved” by the Bible’s standards, the firstborn son was from the less ideal marital bond.

This verse reveals a deeper aspect of the feminine psyche.  The verse describes the husband as “hating” a woman whom he chose to marry and bear children with.  Obviously they had strong feelings towards one another.  However, since the man had a preference for his other wife, she feels hated by comparison.

Women pick up on subtle cues that inform them of the emotional state of others.  When the man shows more attention to his other wife, it gives the “hated” wife the message that she is unimportant.  Now, the husband didn’t do anything to hurt her feelings, he merely gave more attention of affection to someone else.  That was enough to prove to the other wife that she is truly “hated”.

We see a similar concept in Genesis 29:30: “And he came also to Rachel, and he also loved Rachel more than Leah; and he worked with him yet another seven years.”  Jacob is described as loving Rachel more than Leah, meaning that he indeed loved Leah.  However, the next verse states that she felt hated.  A relative lack of attention or affection is enough to invoke a feeling of hatred.

This is a profound truth when dealing with women.  Because they are so attuned to displays of emotion, small changes in behavior can set off their internal alarms and bring on intense feelings.  A wise man is aware of this and does not simply give his attention or affection without prior planning.

The Daf today explains an foundational Mishnah in Yevamot. Recall that the Bible explains that the purpose of Yibum is to create an heir for a man who, God forbid, died without any children (Deuteronomy 25:5-6).  The Mishnah teaches that if a man has any Jewish child, his widow is not eligible for Yibum.

This includes, shockingly, even a bastard (mamzer).  This would be a child from a forbidden union, one in which the man and woman were unable to effect a marriage at all.  Since this child is not from his lawfully married wife, we may have assumed that he is not a legal heir and therefore his existence does not prevent Yibum.

However, a child conceived during a heinous sin is still an heir.  The mistakes a man made out of lust are still done and have legal effect on his own future and the destiny of his entire family.

Engaging in sin, even a catastrophic sin with permanent consequences, does not make a man evil.  Jewish wisdom teaches that men make mistakes, even terrible ones, and they still be men, not branded as sinners.  Once he repents and stops sleeping with the woman with whom he produced the mamzer, he can he considered a regular man again.

And this is up to each man.  We do not rely on some outside force or institution to absolve or cleanse us of contamination.  A man must face his own internal darkness and choose to acknowledge it and change himself if he can.

For a man who fathered a bastard, there would be an incentive to hide this fact from his family.  However, the commandment of Yibum requires the family to investigate the deceased and find any possible offspring.  The skeletons in his closet will come to light in order to allow the proper fulfillment of God’s command.

It is tempting to ignore the darker side of your own personality, the elements of you character closely linked to greed, lust, vanity, or anger.  These are also a part of you.  A maturing man works to recognize and confront his own negative elements.  A wise man realizes his weaknesses and his base motivations, and works to harness and channel them for something constructive.

The Talmud continues discussing the intimate relationships that were prohibited by our ancient sages, above and beyond those the Bible itself warns about.  The Gemara cites a source for the concept of adding such restrictions “For all these (sexual) abominations have the men of the land done” (Leviticus 18:27).  The extra word “these” emphasizes that their abominations were the worst level, which implies that there are other relationships that are a bad idea, but less nasty than what the pagan Canaanites were doing.

The Gemara makes an amazing comparison between the extra “these” in Leviticus about forbidden intimate contact and an extra “these” in Deuteronomy 25:16 about using false weights or measures.  Rabbi Levi said: The punishment for using dishonest measures is even worse than the punishment for forbidden relationships.

Now, don’t take this too literally.  Rashi explains that people involved in forbidden sexual relations, as long as they have not resulted in a child, can repent and cease their activity.

But when someone uses dishonest measures or weights to steal from customers or business associates, the sin is practically impossible to rectify.  How can the man find every cheated customer and return the exact amount he stole?  The Bible demands just compensation for victims, not mere apologies.

When you are engaged in business, you must be careful to be totally honest.  Of course a businessman must be savvy and buy low to sell high.  But he must not deceive others, which can cause a problem he can never rectify.  When deceptive practices are inevitable revealed, this can destroy not only his business but also his personal reputation.

The severity of sins with weights and measures does not mean that a forbidden relationship is a walk in the park.  When a man is in a relationship, even with someone who isn’t truly good for him, it can be extremely hard to break it off.

One thing that is often forgotten in modern times is that intimate relationships can have permanent results.  A pregnancy can force a man to stay in a situation that really is against his best interests, due to his feelings of responsibility for the coming child.

Even without a baby, intimate relations bind two people together emotionally.  When you see your lover, your body secretes hormones that make you emotional and less reasonable.  While modern culture downplays the effect of the physical act on your emotional and psychological state, there is certainly an influence.

A man who is thinking of ending a relationship needs to be able to step away from emotionality and carefully analyze the costs and benefits of staying versus leaving.  Once he makes a decision, be must proactive and assertive, before he is pulled back by emotions or the conception of a child with this person.

Today the Talmud brings up “shniot” literally seconds, referring to the intimate relationships prohibited by our ancient rabbis.  For example, the Bible commands a man to never be with his mother, or his father’s wife, even if she isn’t his own mother.  These restrictions apply even if these women are no longer married, any married woman is of course forbidden.

Our sages added a second level onto these restraints, by forbidding a man’s grandmothers, both from his father or mother, and his grandfather’s wife.  The intent was to help people avoid the relationships that the Bible bans by also restricting the people who have a similar status.

When you know a person is toxic to you or your goals, the wise choice is to remove that person from your life and have no contact with them.  However, sometimes it isn’t enough to avoid them personally.  You may have friends or family that overlap, especially if you were previously in a relationship with the problematic person.

The concept of “shniot” reminds us that whatever you say to these mutual contact will probably get back to the person who has issues with you.  Talking with them may draw the ire of other parties you thought you were done dealing with.  It may be impossible to entirely avoid these people, but being aware of this reality can help a man to prevent reigniting conflict with the person he cut off.