Today the Talmud explains a Mishnah ruling that we start with the eldest surviving brother, and if he doesn’t want to perform Yibum or Halitza, we then ask the next oldest brother.  If none of the brother want to take care of their deceased brother’s widow, we return to the oldest surviving brother and he is required to act.

It appears that the brothers in this situation would hold a meeting and consult with the local sages and family members, to figure out the best outcome for the widow and all involved.  We give precedence to the eldest because the verses discussing Yibum mention the “firstborn”.

However, if he is overseas then the other brothers have to do something, they cannot say they will wait for him to return and decide.  They cannot leave a widow hanging, in doubt about her future.

You may not be greatest man, but if you are the one available then it is your responsibility to take action and rectify whatever is wrong with your life.  Don’t wait to find a special guru or the best possible plan to improve yourself.  You are the man who knows yourself best, and the only one who truly has your best interests at heart (if you are very blessed, maybe your parents fall into that category as well).

The Gemara compares an older brother willing to do Halitza versus a younger brother willing to marry the widow in Yibum, and concludes that the latter is preferred.  The Rambam (Maimonides) also rules that Yibum by a younger brother is better than Halitza of oldest brother.  But if both are willing to do the same act, the older brother takes precedence.

When you can only offer the same advice or help as another man, let someone with more experience go ahead.  But if your solution is actually more optimal, don’t be afraid to step in.

Today the Mishnah teaches that after a man marries the widow of his deceased brother in Yibum, she is like a normal wife to him.  If they divorce, they can later remarry.  However, the property under lien for her marriage contract is only what belonged to the deceased.

As background, in Jewish law the marriage contract, Ketuvah or Kesuvah, is a document that promises the woman a sum of money in the event of widowhood or divorce.  This legal document places a lien on all of the man’s property, which we will examine in detail in tractate Ketuvot.

The intent behind the Rabbinical innovation of a marriage contract was not merely to provide for a widow or divorcee but to force a man to consider carefully before he initiated an divorce.  As we will learn in tractate Ketuvot, the basic  contract was the amount of food for a year, and was not was open ended ongoing obligation.  It was assumed that within a year a woman would be able to develop other avenues to provide for her own needs, and would not remain dependent on her previous husband.

But in the case of Yibum, as the Gemara explains on Daf 39, this man didn’t choose this wife, but had to take care of her since his brother died without children.  It was Heaven that put him into this situation.  Therefore, it would not would be fair to put his resources on the line.  However, in the rare case that the deceased brother had no property, then the Yavam is on the hook.  Our sages don’t want it to be too easy to throw her out.

In modern times under current secular laws, not only are women capable of initiating divorce, but are much more likely than men to do so.  In present day America the overwhelming majority of divorces are filed by women.  In this situation, to encourage people to think carefully before the destroy a family, perhaps they a modern contract is needed requiring a woman who files for divorce to pay a minimum amount.  If the preservation of family is an important value, people should be incentivized to think carefully about their actions.

The Talmud discusses a case where a surviving brother went ahead and did Yibum with a widow shortly after his brother died.  Then they realized that his brother’s widow, now his wife, was pregnant, and it is not clear who the father is.

The first child is certainly no problem.  Either it belongs to the deceased and no Yibum was necessary (but atonement by the brother and widow is needed for their mistake) or it was fathered by the surviving brother and the Yibum was appropriate since the dead brother had no children.  However, the new couple cannot continue their relationship due to the chance that the Yibum was not required, which would make the marriage forbidden instead of a mitzvah.

In Jewish culture, and all successful traditional human societies, it matters who the father is.  A strong father figure is the foundation of every happy family.  The Gemara brings a shocking teaching:

Rabbi Eliezer ben Ya’akov says: A man who engaged in intercourse with and impregnated many women, but does not know with which women he had intercourse, or similarly, a woman with whom many men had intercourse, but she does not know from which man she became pregnant, since the identities of the parents of children are not known, it could emerge that a father marries his own daughter, and a brother marries his own sister.

The entire world could become filled with bastards (mamzerim). And concerning this, the Bible states: “Lest the land become full of lewdness” (Leviticus 19:29)…

He also taught: a man should not marry a woman in this country and go and marry another woman in a different country, lest a son from one and a daughter from the other unite with one another, and it could emerge that a brother marries his sister.

This is a warning against the perils of promiscuity, in particular for creating children of unknown parentage.  That situation would create even more sins, as people unknowingly married forbidden family members.

The Talmud contrasts this to the behavior of prominent sages:

But didn’t Rav, when he happened to come to Dardeshir, make a public announcement saying: Which woman will be my wife for the day, i.e., for the duration of his visit? And also Rav Naḥman, when he happened to come to Shakhnetziv, made a public announcement saying: Which woman will be my wife for the day?

We discussed this Gemara the other time it appears in Shas, Yoma 18.  The concept here is that our sages did not want to be tempted to sin while away from their wives.  They wanted to be married to another woman while out of town, in order to have a healthy outlet available for sexual thoughts or temptations.

They sent word that they were coming and asked if a woman was willing to be available to be married, if the need arose.  The commentaries on the Gemara (Tosafot) point out that the sages did not typically sleep with these women, but wanted to have that option available.  Just having the option helps a man to avoid improper thoughts.

If they ended up staying longer than intended, they would indeed sleep with these women.  Since these were well known rabbis, it would be common knowledge that the children were theirs, avoiding the situation of doubtful parentage that Rabbi Eliezer warned of.  In addition, Tosafot brings a tradition that if the temporary wife became pregnant, the sage would bring her home to be able to take care of her and the child.

For a general discussion of polygamy, see Kosher Polygamy

While this behavior by religious leaders may sound outrageous in our day, this was an accepted method for men to cope with their passions without resorting to spilling seed, forbidden activities or creating children without parents.

Some religions demonize normal human desires, while other philosophies teach people to indulge without thinking of the consequences.  Perhaps there is a middle ground that helps people find a positive outlet for physical urges while maintaining social standards of parentage and exclusivity.

The Talmud discusses a scenario in which a man took one of his wives overseas and then died there.  The wife back home must wait to find out if her co wife was pregnant before she can remarry.  If the other wife was not pregnant, or had a baby that was not viable, then one of the widows requires Yibum or halitza.

Even if the other wife was pregnant, her co wife cannot rely on the statistical fact that most women give birth to viable offspring.  Instead she must wait until the baby actually arrives.

When you are expecting a good result, don’t count your chickens before they hatch.  Other people may implicitly promise you that they will give you what you want in order to get your commitment.  But people change, promises are broken, and even a sure thing is not sure.  You may not get what you wanted, but meanwhile you have given the other party what they wanted.

The Talmud brings a related law about inheritance.  The Bible gives guidelines for inheritance, but a man can make gifts that are effective the moment before he died and this is valid.

This legal reality allows a father to bequeath his land to his children, but also sell it during his lifetime.  He is selling only his rights to the field, which is to use it and eat from the produce until his own death, when it conveys to the children.

The children can also sell their future interest in the land, which is full ownership to take effect when the father passes.  Jewish law contemplates a distinction between present and future interests.

Historically Jews were known as money lenders, bankers, and investors.  It may be tempting to associate this trend with the intricate financial concepts in Jewish law.

However the political and social reality in pre modern Europe was also a major factor.  Jews were banned from owning land to cultivate and typically forbidden from joining professions or guilds.  In many European kingdoms, they could only be moneylenders, and this situation could be profitable but often caused terrible problems for Jews.

When people could not pay the loans, they could commit violence against the Jews, while the government rarely protected them.  If too many people complained about the interest (usury) then officials would force the Jews to forgive the loans or die.

Often the government itself took loans, and then blamed the Jews for the financial problems of the country.  Sometimes this caused rulers to exile Jews or incite violence against them to solve their debt problems.

Today many modern nations run up terrific amounts of debt, amounts so large regular people cannot begin to conceive of.  History reminds all of us that this can create horrible societal problems as failing politicians look for scapegoats for the messes they created.

Today’s Daf discusses an important issue: being certain which man is the real father of a child.  This comes up when a woman becomes widowed or divorced, or God forbid violated.

Our sages instructed the woman in such a situation to wait for three months to be sure that she was not pregnant before engaging in intimacy again.  That way we can be sure of the parentage of her children.

This reflects the innate urge a that every healthy man has to know for sure that he is a biological father of his children.  Ancient societies took such steps to help fathers be confident that the children they were raising were truly theirs. This security allowed men to invest fully in their offspring, leading to strong families.

The Gemara notes that in certain cases, such as a woman about to convert to Judaism, a female slave who knew she would be freed, or a girl who was taken captive by bandits but heard she would be ransomed, Rabbi Yosi did not require waiting.

The women in such situations would employ birth control methods to avoid pregnancy (see also Ketuvot 37).  Since they knew they would soon be in a situation with better mating options, they wanted to avoid becoming pregnant from another slave or from their captors.

Obviously in the long run it would be better for the woman to get pregnant from a free man who was not a wanted criminal, both in terms of financial support for the child, and the greater of parental investment by the man.  Also, a woman who converted while already pregnant would have a harder time finding a Jewish husband.

A woman will work to avoid becoming pregnant if she believes that she will eventually be in a situation where she could find a better mate.  This has interesting ramifications in modern society.

Today, many highly educated or career centered women complain that they have a hard time finding a man considered good enough to settle down and build a family with.  One reason is that women tend to desire to marry a man with a high status or greater earning potential (hypergamy).  Women who are high earners may put off starting a family until they can find a man making even more, which may be impossible for some career women.

This has lead to a significant delay and decrease in marriage among educated, professional women (except religious women).  This is the source for a refrain “where have the good men gone?”  The societal consequences of this trend will not be clear for decades to come.

Another more personal issue to consider is that if a man is involved with a young woman, but she does not want children, this may be a sign that she isn’t as in to him as he thought.  She may feel, maybe subconsciously, that there is a more lucrative option out there for her.  Therefore she wants to save her reproductive abilities for a better chance.

A woman of childbearing years who says “I don’t want children” may actually mean “I don’t want his children”.  If a higher value man comes around, he may soon see this same woman pregnant by him.

There is also a converse case in which a woman wants to have a baby, and is willing to settle with a certain man even though he is not her first choice.  She may say “I want children” but avoid saying “I want his children”.

A wise man pays attention to subtle distinctions in communication, so he can plan his life and family in the best way possible to accomplish his chosen mission.

The Talmud continues discussing the Mishnah regarding the theoretical case of an accidental switch of wives.  Our sages explain why we are concerned that the wives in question may be pregnant from the wrong man.  In ancient times it was rare for a woman to become pregnant from the same act of intimacy that broke her hymen.  (Later rabbis explain that this is not the case today).

The Talmud brings a tradition that Tamar became pregnant from Yehuda during her first intimate act (Genesis 38:18), and explains how she encouraged this.  Surprised by the news that it was her first time, our sages question what had happened between her and her first two husbands Er and Onan (Genesis 38:6-10).  They bring a teaching that those men had cohabited with her not in the normal place (meaning anally) because they did not want her to become pregnant.  To be extra careful they also spilled their seed outside.

The story of Yehuda’s son Er and Onan is the first time the concept of Yibum appears in the Bible, though since this was before the revelation at Sinai the rules were not the same.  When Er died without children, Yehuda told his second son Onan to take Tamar as a wife and bear a child for Er (Genesis 38:8).  Onan knew the child would not be considered his own, but a continuation of his dead brother, and he did not want to assist his brother.

See Brothers and Power, Kings and Harlots for the entire story.

Onan is the source for the English word Onanism meaning spilling seed.  In the Biblical tradition this is a severe sin.  In recent years, there has been a renewed interest in avoiding the wasting of semen, with some men claiming that this may enhance athletic performance or mental acuity, or help escape addiction.

There may be positive results from this attention, such as helping men to avoid pornography.  A man can waste an incredible amount of time, energy, and money on smut.  This takes away from his ability to pursue constructive goals and undermines his motivation to learn to interact with and attract real women.

However, it is important to note that God designed the human body and all of our physical functions.  Men need a healthy, constructive outlet for our natural drives and desires.  A wise man does not neglect his own needs, but develops himself so he has a positive way to satisfy them.

After explaining more issues of when one prohibition stacks onto another (see yesterday’s Daf), the Gemara cites an extreme example in a shocking Mishnah:

Two men betrothed two women, then later at the time that they entered the wedding canopy (the second stage of marriage), they switched this wife with that wife and that one with this one.

These two men are liable for engaging in forbidden sexual relations with a married woman.  If they were brothers, they are also guilty for forbidden sexual relations with a brother’s wife. And if these women were sisters, then they are liable for relations with a wife and her sister…

The Gemara explains that the case the Mishnah is dealing with must be purely accidental.  In ancient times couples often had less contact before marriage, may have worn thick veils, and there was typically no lighting at night.  Recall that Lavan was able to trick Jacob and substitute Leah in place of her sister Rachel (Genesis 29).

Our sages note that a men who knowingly swapped their wives would not be allowed to take them back.  A woman who commits adultery is forbidden to her husband and the other man too.

The Gemara later notes that this exact case never actually happened, but was purely hypothetical.

Our ancient rabbis were aware that some couples engaged in such corruption.  We have explained that in the time of Jacob and Joseph, ancient Egyptians engaged in open marriages and sexually abused slaves. The Bible notes that such travesties were practiced by the ancient Canaanites as well.

However, the behaviors of cucks, perverts and mentally ill do not alter the fundamental definition of marriage: a wife’s sexuality is reserved only to her husband.

No one can redefine what a real marriage is.  Even a man who wants to be chucked does not have that option, as the bible already requires exclusively.  (See Igrot Moshe Even haEzer 4:44 which examines a case in which a husband wanted his wife to sleep with his friend and concludes she is forbidden to both, Ahar Asher hutamah).

The Daf today introduces a key concept for liability in Jewish law.  Typically one sin means one punishment; depending on the offense this could be excision, lashes, an offering, or death.  However, there are instances where multiple sins of the same type performed in one lapse of awareness only bring liability for one offering (performing multiple labors of Shabbat that are all of the same type).

There are also situations in which a single act can cause the need to bring multiple offerings.  For instance, a man who sleeps with his mother in law who is also currently his brother’s wife.  He may be punished for the charge of mother in law, brother’s wife, and the fact that she is a married woman.  This is a concept we call “isur hal al isur” meaning a new prohibition is added onto an existing prohibition.

However, there is a debate among out sages when this concept applies.  There is an agreement that prohibitions stack when they begin simultaneously, or when the new restriction applies to more people.  But when the new isur only makes the same item or person forbidden again to the same person, some of our rabbis said that this does not cause multiple liabilities.

For example, if a man’s mother in law was a widow when he married her daughter, but then remarried, these stack.  The first prohibition was due to mother in law, and only on the son in law, but the added level of married woman applies to everyone, so this is a broader prohibition (isur mosif).  If this sin was done by mistake he would be liable for three sets of offerings, if on purpose he would be liable to the most extreme death penalty, by burning.

If she was married already and then became the mother in law, this merely adds another layer to an existing prohibition (isur colel).  Not all sages in the Talmud agree that the prohibitions stack in that case, though Jewish law concludes that they indeed do.

We see that when something bad is already forbidden, just telling yourself it is more forbidden is less likely to help you avoid it.  For instance, you decide to stop smoking cigarettes.  On Monday you try to avoid smoking by telling yourself that they are unhealthy.  This may not be enough.  On Tuesday you tell yourself that it is an expensive habit.  Still not enough.  On Wednesday you add the idea that other people don’t like the smell…

The better method to changing your own behavior is to list all the pros and cons and weight them all together.  Take every reason and put it down on paper, and use all of them at once to help you modify your habits.  Don’t just list the negatives, but also think about the reasons to continue your prior approach.  Get all the information out and process it fully.

We also see that social pressure is an important motivator for many men.  If they see that other men forbid themselves from something, they may be inclined to emulate this cautious attitude as well.  Figure out what you respond to better and use it to shape yourself into the man you want to be.

The Talmud discusses how cases of doubtful marriage and divorce can affect the laws of Yibum and Halitza.  You may wonder how a woman could possibly be doubtfully married or possibly divorced.

The Gemara explains a case where a man threw an item of value to a woman as her betrothal.  There was a doubt whether it fell closer to her or closer to him, with some witnesses claiming the former and others the latter.  So we don’t know if she legally received the item, and her engagement depends on that fact.

Similarly, if a man threw the writ of divorce to his wife, but there are doubts about the validity of the document, a woman can be possibly divorced.  In these cases of confusion, her legal situation is her last clearly known status (Hazakah).

If you are experiencing difficulties in life, you may need to stabilize your day to day situation before you work on long term improvements.  Try to think about the last time you had life under control.  When you were thriving what were you doing?

Probably engaging in more self care, giving yourself time and space to think about your decisions and plan for contingencies.  You may have been careful about your diet and exercise regime, or putting in the work to connect with friends and build a social network.

If you have lost the positive elements that gave you stability, work to rebuild and re-create that situation.  You may now be overextended and need to cut back on new commitments in order to free yourself up for adequate sleep and self care.  Once you have restored some of your last known good status, you may be able to resume adding additional responsibilities.

Today the Talmud continues explaining the various wrinkles that can occur when two brothers married two sisters.  As we have seen, if one brother is married to or bound by a promise to marry one sister, this makes Yibum with the other sister impossible.  What about when one brother was married to one sister, but she passed away before her sister became a widow?

In that case, the brother can marry the widowed sister of his deceased wife.  After all, Leviticus 18:18 prohibits marrying two wives only while both are alive.  By Yibum, since we take family history in account, we may have thought that the brother’s prior marriage to the sister makes it impossible to perform Yibum, but this is not the case.

This is a reminder that typically men don’t carry emotional baggage to the same extent women do.  Now, it is true that your life experiences forge you into whatever man you are.  We don’t expect a man to ignore his past relationships.  A healthy man does feel pain from his past, and makes the decision to move on anyway.

Whatever came before, men are capable of starting anew on a clean slate.  Yibum itself is meant to provide a spiritual second chance for a brother who died without children.  His brother takes his place and with his widow builds a family continue to his legacy.

Every man can start anew, at any age.  The key is to change your mind about who you are.  If your life has not been working for you, reject the approaches you have tried and work out a new mental model to understand the world and your place in it.