Amazing ancient episodes in today’s learning teach a timeless theme:

Rabbi Yosei HaGelili was walking along the road, and met Berurya. He said to her: On which path shall we walk in order to get to Lod?

She said to him: Foolish Galilean, didn’t the Sages say: Do not talk much with women? You should have said your question more succinctly: Which way to Lod?

As a bit of background, it is atypical in conventional Jewish circles for unrelated men and women to chat.  Friendly greetings are expected, friendship is not.  Our sages indeed recommend minimizing conversation with women, even with a man’s own wife (Pirke Avot 1:15).  There are many reasons for that statement in commentaries on Pirke Avot.

Brurya seems to have taken this to a bit of an extreme.  However, notice that her correction omits the word “we”.  A man telling a woman “how do we get to X” is implying that she should be coming along with him.  This insinuates that he seeks her company.  Likely the Rabbi was unaware of this connotation.  Women are typically much more cognizant of the nuances in communication, both verbal and nonverbal.  Women often pick up on subtle subcommunications and cues that men miss.  Our ancient sages describe this as women having “binah yeterah” meaning additional insight  (Niddah 45b, Medrash Breishit Rabbah 18).  Men and women are not the same, both have unique advantages and complement one another.

The Gemara relates more of Berurya’s intense wisdom:

Berurya came across a certain student who was whispering his studies rather than raising his voice. She kicked him and said to him: Isn’t it written as follows: “Ordered in all things and secure” (ii Samuel 23:5), which indicates that if the Torah is ordered in your 248 limbs, i.e., if you use your entire body in studying it, it will be secure, and if not, it will not be secure. The Gemara relates that it was similarly taught in a baraita: Rabbi Eliezer had a student who would study quietly, and after three years he forgot his studies.

This is a bit shocking, unrelated men and women do not even have physical contact in traditional Jewish society.  Again, she acts extreme to make an important point that verbal communication is critical in Judaism.  Brurya has demonstrated she is astute at verbal judo, and understands the power of the spoken word.  She is teaching that a student, even alone, should speak out and listen to every word to gain the wisdom within.

Yes, we are the people of the Book and Jews basically invented the concept of universal literacy.  However, the Book doesn’t make sense without the Oral Law, which was given to Moses and the Jewish people and expanded over the generations.  Jewish learning is conducted out loud, even a man reading or reciting from memory will use his voice so the learning will reverberate into his entire body.  A Yeshivah, the institute of Jewish learning, is typically quite loud and even boisterous.

It is mind boggling to note that the husband of Bruria was none other than the famous Rabbi Meir.  His trade was as a scribe.  Rabbi Meir was a master of written communication while Bruria mastered verbal expression.  They were a perfect match for one another, as men and women are not meant to be equal and identical but to be complementary.

The Talmud begins a new chapter, describing how cities are measured for the Sabbath limit.  The Gemara asks which letter, an “aleph” or “ayin” should be used in the Mishnah – changing this letter in the same word gives a different connotation.  [Yes, Jews are careful with scripture down to every letter].

Rabbi Yoḥanan said: I spent eighteen days with Rabbi Oshaya the Distinguished, and I learned from him only one matter in our Mishna. In the phrase: “How does one extend cities” the word me’abberin is spelled with an alef.  The Gemara asks: Is this so? Didn’t Rabbi Yoḥanan say: Rabbi Oshaya the Distinguished had twelve students, and I spent eighteen days among them, and I learned the heart of each and every one, and the wisdom of each and every one?  How could Rabbi Yoḥanan say that he learned only one matter?  The Gemara answers: Maybe he learned the heart of each and every one and the wisdom of each and every one, but he did not learn legal tradition. And if you wish, say instead: From the students themselves he learned many things; from Rabbi Oshaya himself he did not learn anything beyond that one matter. And if you wish, say instead: Rabbi Yoḥanan meant to say that he learned only one matter in our current Mishna from Rabbi Oshaya, but he learned other matters from him. And Rabbi Yoḥanan said about that period: When we were studying Torah with Rabbi Oshaya, it was so crowded with students that we would sit four in each square cubit.

This is amazing.  He went to learn legal rulings and learned the “heart” meaning the character and motivations of each student.  And he learned more from the other students than the teacher!
If you are familiar with the Yeshiva, an institute of Torah study, this is not a shock.  Yeshiva is not merely a place to learn, but to make lasting friends, and learn to understand other men and yourself.  It is a place of serious dedication to personal growth.  Rabbi Yohanan himself uses the word “gadalti” meaning I grew; after a mere 18 days in this Yeshiva he recognized that he had grown.

It is accurate that most of the actual learning is the students from one another rather than from the head Rabbi.  Conventional Jews learn mostly in pairs, two students going over the texts, then learning the same texts with the Rabbi in depth.  The Yeshiva also provides guidance for young men growing up and looking for a wife, career advice, and networking.

If you have been with a solid team of men for a sport, or for a business venture, you may understand.  Men come together for a mission, not just to talk.  But when they are together for the mission, sport, or job, they can become real friends.  You may learn more about the men on the team than the sport itself, and most of what you learn is through watching the other men and seeing what works.  You can get better tips on how to score from one on one experience with a seasoned player than from a coach lecturing.  Sometimes the guys on your team do more than just play or work together, they look out for one another and become lifelong friends.  This is a hint of life in Yeshiva.  Look for this experience, it is invaluable.

On the subject of using precision in language, the Gemara brings an example:

There was a certain person from the Galilee who would walk and say to people: Who has amar? Who has amar? They said to him: Foolish Galilean, what do you mean?  Galileans did not pronounce the guttural letters clearly, so it was unclear whether he sought a donkey [ḥamor] to ride, or wine [ḥamar] to drink, wool [amar] to wear, or a lamb [imar] to slaughter.

You have to be able to articulate what you want in life or you will never get it.  This is a major problem young men face today, as we have discussed.

The Gemara brings a classic story from Rabbi Yehoshua ben Hananya:

 One time I was walking along the path, and I saw a young boy sitting at the crossroads. And I said to him: On which path shall we walk in order to get to the city? He said to me: This path is short and long, and that path is long and short. I walked on the path that was short and long. When I approached the city I found that gardens and orchards surrounded it, and I did not know the trails leading through them to the city.

I went back and met the young boy again and said to him: My son, didn’t you tell me that this way is short? He said to me: And didn’t I tell you that it is also long? I kissed him on his head and said to him: Happy are you, O Israel, for you are all exceedingly wise, from your old to your young.

The life lesson is we all look for the short way, for rewards with less effort.  However, putting in the work and time now pays off in the long run.

There is a deep concept hidden in today’s learning.  The Gemara explores a case where a man starts towards a different location, intending to stay there for Shabbat, but changes his mind.  There is a debate if the man must state he will be using another place as his Sabbath residence in order to get back.  Rav Yosef says all require the man to begin his trip.  The Gemara brings an actual event:

Rav Yehuda bar Ishtata once brought a basket of fruit to Rav Natan bar Oshaya in a nearby town, four thousand cubits away, on Shabbat eve. When he was leaving, Rav Natan left him until he descended one step, and then said to him: Lodge here tonight. He allowed him start his journey so that he would be considered as having set out on his way. On the following day Rav Yehuda bar Ishtata rose early and went home. The Gemara comments: In accordance with whose opinion did Rav Natan bar Oshaya act? In accordance with the opinion of Rav Yosef that everyone agrees that he must actually set out on his way, and in accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Yosei bar Yehuda that he need not declare that he is establishing his residence at the end of his Shabbat limit.

The interesting thing here is that even when a man stays over with someone else, he has his own place, his own mission at heart.  So often men get involved with someone else’s mission that they neglect developing their own hopes and aspirations.  They never get where they wanted to go, assuming they even know where that is.  The main thing is not to talk about your plans, but to take the first step.  That way you are already on your journey, even if you must stay a while working on something else.

Today the Talmud continues discussing setting a specific place as Sabbath residence.  The Gemara mentions that if two men are traveling together and one of them recognizes a landmark, or knows this law, the second can rely on the man who knows for his residency.

When you are traveling through life, go with a man who knows exactly what he is doing.  When you start a new career, hobby, or mission in your life look for men who know the field, the landmarks, and the dangers.  We have discussed that conventional Judaism places a great importance on young men learning from the life experience of our elders.  Don’t take old men for granted.

There is also a great danger in going through life with men who are lost, who don’t understand the big picture, and cannot help you recognize helpful landmarks.  The very first verse in Psalms mentions this risk.

Today the Talmud also mentions the Biblical source for the concept of techumin, Exodus 16:29.  Some sources point out that the 2000 cubit limit is a rabbinical safeguard, but the Biblical limit is actually further out.  This is why our Talmud discusses variations and leniencies regarding the 2000 cubit limit; the rabbis can bend human made rabbinical rules but not Biblical ones.

This verse is not only relevant to the Sabbath.  A man needs to know his place first, understand who he is and what he wants in life.  Then he can strive to change himself and his current position in life.  The Jewish Sabbath is an opportunity to stay in your current place and appreciate what you have already accomplished, and recharge to do even more in the coming week.

Today was Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, a time of fasting and prayer.  This is also a day for making new commitments for the coming year.  The Daf teaches a relevant law:  a man is walking towards home Friday evening and realizes that he won’t reach his house before Shabbat.  He recognizes a specific landmark within 2000 cubits of his present location which is also within 2000 of his home.  He can designate that landmark as his place of Sabbath residency and walk there, then from there to his own home.

When we set goals they need to be specific, within our reach, and designed to bring us closer to our ultimate mission.

Today the Talmud brings the verse which teaches some of the aspects of the Techum Shabbat, the boundary within which we can walk on Shabbat:

“Remain every man in his place; let no man go out of his place on the seventh day” (Exodus 16:29), means one must restrict his movement to an area equal to his place. But how much is the area of his “place”?  The Gemara explains that your “place” is the size of your body with an additional space to get something from near your feet and place it above your head (some explain this refers to a man’s tefillin which must be guarded).

Your personal space must give you some freedom of movement, not hem you in.  This is not merely your physical space, but your ability to make your own decisions in life as well.  In modern parlance, you need to breathing space, some room to maneuver.  Men often feel hemmed in by feeling the need to help other people, you need to be cautious this does not infringe on your ability to help yourself and enhance your own connection to God first.  In present day society no one is going to give you more ‘space’ to pursue your goals and mission, you need to step up and carve it out for yourself.

This is penultimate reading in our cycle of completing the five books of Moses each year, Deuteronomy 32:1–52.  Most of this reading is a poetic song by Moses outlining Jewish history and reiterating the warning against spiritual failings.  He concludes that even when the Jews falter and are punished, God will ultimately return them home.  Then Moses is told to ascend to Mt. Nebo, to see the Holy Land before dying.

Moses relates how God chose the Jewish people and guided them through the wilderness, and will bring them into Israel and bless them with prosperity:

He made them ride upon the high places of the earth, that they would eat the produce of the field. He let them suck honey from a rock, and oil from the mighty part of the crag.  The cream of cattle and the milk of sheep, with the fat of lambs and rams of Bashan and he goats, with kidneys of wheat, and it [the congregation of Israel] would drink the blood of grapes, the finest wine.  And Jeshurun became fat and rebelled; you grew fat, thick and rotund; Israel forsook the God Who made them, and spurned the Rock of their salvation.  They provoked His zeal with alien worship; they made Him angry with abominations deeds (32:13-16).

What is it about prosperity – becoming fat – that holds the danger of idolatry?  When a man has to strive for his daily bread, he is aware that if does not put in the work, he doesn’t eat.  Once a man feels that he has is made and is secure, there is a real temptation to give himself the credit.  After all, he worked for this economic gain, he got himself to wherever he is today.  The Bible warns men that success can bring hubris and self importance out of proportion to your actual accomplishments.  Men who consider themselves self made men reject the idea that they received any help from God, their society, and their brothers.  This leads to arrogance and a temptation towards idolatry.

Fat is also used to describe a feeling of insulation from consequences.  A man who basks in his own success feels impervious to problems and may be liable to try something new – like idolatry.  Fat can also mean a comfortable insulation from the drive to accomplish more.  While we should all celebrate our triumphs and personal growth, we can’t keep celebrating, we need to move on to a new goal, a new mission.  Spiritual corpulence brings the risk of stopping your upward progress towards being the best version of yourself.

We have discussed that pain is not the opposite of pleasure:

Years ago, in Yeshivah (a Jewish school of Wisdom), my rabbi proved to us that the opposite of Pleasure is really not Pain.  The opposite of pain is no pain… comfort.
But pursuing comfort and shunning pain leads to warped values and wasting your life.  The ultimate comfort is what?  Zoning out, sleeping, death.  You won’t need to make any effort, there is no pain, no change, no growth.  Growth requires pain.  Anything worth accomplishing requires you to invest your energy, time, and talent.

Pain is the price you pay for Pleasure

Pain is the price you pay for Pleasure.  Remember this, use it as a slogan when you are faced with difficult decisions, tough workouts, choices that will bring you pain now and pleasure later.

My rabbi, many years ago, pointed out that valuing comfort had made American society decadent.  To seek comfort, to avoid pain, is decadence.  Avoiding pain means avoiding a hard job, difficult classes, points of view that challenge your own.  It is avoiding growth, conflict, change.  Decadence is weakness, avoiding pain brings stagnation.

There is a real danger that achieving some success in life will bring you a feeling of comfort.  This comfort, this spiritual fat layer, will insulate you from being willing to take the pain needed to obtain more growth and higher levels of pleasure.  But does comfort seeking equal idolatry?  If you hold yourself to a high standard, and realize that life is a gift to use to the maximum level, then comfort is rejecting life.  Rejecting life is choosing death, which Moses has warned us about.  Living your life to the hilt is the best way to show God (or the universe, or just yourself) that you appreciate the gift.  Comfort, the spiritual fat, is the opposite.

When men forget that real pleasure requires us to invest pain – our hard work, wisdom, and dedication – then we stray into seeking comfort instead of accomplishment.  Interestingly, Moses’ poetic words “Israel forgot the God Who made them, and spurned the Rock of their salvation” v15 have a hidden meaning: “tzur yoladetcha teshi” can mean you forgot the Rock that birthed you or the Rock birthed you with forgetfulness.  We are made with the power to forget.  This is a danger yes, but also a kindness.  If we always remembered our pains, our tragedies, our failures, then we could easily feel overwhelmed and unable to go on.  The ability to forget is a gift, to enable us to put loss behind us and move on.

On Yom Kippur we ask for forgiveness.  There is a common phrase “I forgive but I don’t forget”.  That is not true forgiveness.

The Talmud examines a statement of Rav Mesharshiya that rules on which sage to follow (example, in an argument between Rabbi Yehuda and Rabbi Shimon we follow Yehuda’s teaching) do not apply.  The Gemara brings examples of why Rav Mesharshiya might say this, including a rather juicy Mishnah from the Talmud in Yevamot 41:

וכן שאר כל הנשים לא ינשאו ולא יתארסו עד שיהו להן שלשה חדשים אחד בתולות ואחד בעולות אחד אלמנות ואחד גרושות אחד ארוסות ואחד נשואות

And similarly, all other women may not be married or even betrothed until three months have passed following their divorce or the death of their husbands, whether they are virgins or non-virgins, whether they are widows or divorcees, and whether they became widowed or divorced when they were betrothed or fully married. (If she is within the first three months of a pregnancy from her first husband, and she gives birth six months later, there would be a doubt as to the paternity. The Sages mandated a 3 month waiting period for marriage universally.)

רבי יהודה אומר נשואות יתארסו

Rabbi Yehuda says: A woman who had been fully married when she became widowed or divorced may be betrothed immediately, (since couples do not have relations during the period of their betrothal). However, she may not fully marry until three months have passed (in order to differentiate between any possible offspring from the first and second husband).

וארוסות ינשאו חוץ מארוסה שביהודה מפני שלבו גס בה
A woman who had only been only betrothed when she became widowed or divorced may be married immediately, (we assume that the couple did not have relations during the period of their betrothal). This is except for a betrothed woman in Judea, because there the bridegroom’s heart is bold, (it was customary for engaged couples to be alone together during the period of betrothal, and consequently there is a suspicion that they might have had relations, in which case she might be carrying his child).

In Judea (Yehuda), the geographic area, the custom was to allow the groom to spend time alone with the future bride – this was not intended to allow any physical contact.  Rabbi Yehuda points out that this creates a possibility that things happened and she could be pregnant.  Therefore a girl from that area must wait the three months before getting married.

This Mishnah contains a few critical lessons about how our ancestors from thousands of years ago  understood men and women.  First of all, there is a deep need to establish who the father of a child is.  We have explored how the Bible is fervently opposed to cuckoldry and even the suspicion of infidelity.

We also see that the general presumption was that young couples were not engaging in premarital intimacy.  Girls lived in their fathers’ homes and were typically never left alone with suitors.  The notable exception was in Judea, where there was some alone time allowed.  Not that the Judeans encouraged anything untoward, but it became a possibility.  Technically this couple is already married, Jewish betrothal creates the first stage of marriage.  However, they are not allowed to live together as man and wife until the second stage is complete, as we mentioned by Isaac and Rebekah.

The language Rabbi Yehuda uses is that the young man’s heart is bold with her.  Since they are alone together he feels bold enough to make a move even before marriage.  The same language “libo gas bah” can also mean he is infatuated with her.  You can imagine the strong desires of a young man allowed for the first time to be alone with a girl who he is technically married to already…  The danger here is that intimacy will cause him to become infatuated and obsessed with her, which is not a healthy approach to beginning a married life together.

Obviously modern men have a very different experience, but the danger of an unhealthy obsession with a women due to intimate contact still exists.  Sexual intimacy is a very powerful force, use it wisely.

Today, among other topics, the Talmud mentions that items have the same boundary (techum) of their owner, and brings a view that ownerless items have a boundary centered on where they were when Shabbat started.  The Gemara asks about water in the clouds and in the ocean.  If the water in clouds was limited to a certain boundary (meaning a man could not use water that had gone of it’s boundary), then the only way to drink rainwater on Shabbat would be if the same cloud had been overhead Friday night.

The Gemara answers that since the water in the clouds and in the ocean are always moving, they do not get locked into a set boundary at the start of Shabbat.

This is an interesting concept.  A man who is changing, growing, developing cannot be locked down.  Understand that other people want to understand you, to put you in a certain box to make it convenient for them to deal with you.  This is especially true for women, they want to solve the mystery of man, to figure him out.  It makes her much more interested if you are someone that requires effort to understand.
The flowing water metaphor teaches that when you cannot be pinned down as being one specific thing, then others cannot enclose you in their own definitions.  When you are building yourself up and gaining in wisdom, developing your mission, then you can’t be easily put in a box.

The Talmud brings a Mishnah teaching that men who left their Sabbath boundary (techum) to rescue someone are allowed to return to their place.  The Gemara notes that they were allowed to bring their weapons back home as well, even after the danger ended.  This is a source for a modern allowance for EMTs and ambulance drivers to return home after they take someone to the hospital on Shabbat.

The Gemara explains the parameters of defensive war on Shabbat:  if non Jews besieged the town for mere extortion or thievery, the Jews may not go out to fight against them with weapons, nor may they desecrate Shabbat in any other way due to them, but rather they must wait until after Shabbat.  However, if there is concern that the gentiles will attack and harm people, the Jews may go out against them with their weapons, and they may desecrate Shabbat due to them.  But regarding a town that is located near the border, even if the gentiles did not come threatening lives, but even to steal hay and straw, Jews may go out against them with their weapons, and they may desecrate Shabbat due to them.

The Gemara mentions this was the rule not only in Israel itself but even in Bavel, where Jews were a minority and had limited self rule.  It is important to note that for practically all of human history it was normal and expected, and often required, for men to be armed to defend their families and cities.  Today’s (fairly) safe situation in western nations is a historical anomaly and should not be expected to be permanent.

The deeper wisdom here is that a man needs to be ready to enforce his borders, his boundaries.  The danger of allowing other people to walk over you cannot be understated.  If you give an inch, they will take a mile.  However, you need to be aware of what your borders are so you know what it vital to defend.  Some boundaries are hard and some are softer.  Some may be merely preferences but not impact your life and mission.  You can’t react aggressively to everything that might offend you, you would look very insecure.  Decide what is vital to your own well being and do not compromise those items.

The Gemara brings an illustration of the rules of war on Shabbat:

Rabbi Dostai of Biri expounded: What is the meaning of that which is written: “And they told David, saying: Behold, the Philistines are fighting against Ke’ila, and robbing the threshing floors” (I Samuel 23:1). It was taught: Ke’ila was a town located near the border, and the Philistines came only with regard to matters of hay and straw, as it is written: “And they rob the threshing floors.” And in the next verse it is written: “Therefore David inquired of the Lord, saying: Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the Lord said to David: Go and smite the Philistines, and save Ke’ila” (I Samuel 23:2), which indicates that war may be waged in a border town on Shabbat, even with regard to monetary matters.  The Gemara refutes this proof by asking: What is David’s dilemma? If you say that he had a legal question and was in doubt whether it was permitted or prohibited to fight the Philistines on Shabbat, the court of Samuel from Rama was then in existence, and rather than inquire by way of the Urim VeTummim he should have inquired of the Great Sanhedrin.  Rather, he asked God: Will he succeed or will he not succeed in his war?

Even though it was only a financial loss, since Keilit was a border city, it was necessary to go to war to drive off the philistines.  We see from here that the bumper sticker wisdom “war is not the answer” is correct, but for the wrong reason.  War is not the answer.  It is the question.  The answer is that sometimes war is absolutely necessary to protect your values, your family, your tribe.  This is also the relevant inquiry for a man enforcing his boundaries in life.  You must first decide what your key values are and where your boundaries lie.