The Talmud mentions that a city that was walled in the era of Joshua reads the Megillah on the 15th of Adar, while other cities read it on the 14th.  The city of Tiberias, on the Sea of Galilee, had a wall on three sides and the water on the fourth side.  Hizkiyah, an ancient sage, decided to read the Megillah on both days since he was not sure if this situation legally counted as walled.

Rebbi Yehuda, who lived in Tiberias, only read it on the 15th, since he was confident that it was considered walled for Megillah purposes.

We see from here that when you have doubts about what to do, you need to take all the possibilities into account.  While reading the Megillah twice is not a loss, being forced to cover all your options in a business context may be impossibly expensive.

The same applies to interpersonal relationships.  If you are concerned with what a woman will think of your plans for a date, you need to come up with multiple options in case she seems unhappy with your first suggestion.  It takes more time, effort, and money to cover the possibilities.

Instead, a man should make plans that are for his benefit, such as going somewhere he has always good time.  Then if other people don’t care for that idea, at least he is happy.  The others can come along if they want, he is confident he is going to be fine.

When you are sure of yourself, you don’t need to cover other options.  A man should explore the world and find out what makes him fulfilled and happy.   First become confident in your ability to take care of your own needs.  Then invite other people to join in your life if they want to.

The Talmud mentions a famous rule today which teaches us a fundamental concept about men and women.

Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi also said: Women are obligated in the reading of the Megilla, as they too were in that miracle.

Our sages debate the meaning of the statement they too were in that miracle.  Rashi explains that the Persian government decreed death not just on men but also women and children (Megilla 3:13).  The women were under the same threat and enjoyed the same salvation.

You might wonder why we may have thought women are not obligated to read or hear the Megilla.  Jewish law has a rule that commandments that apply at a specific time are binding on men but not women.  Women are exempted in part because they are assumed to be busy caring for the house and children, though there are deeper reasons for this.

Tosafot adds to this that the women were not merely threatened but were actively involved in bringing about the miracle, noting that Esther was the true heroine of the story.  Tosafot also points out that “the women were in the same miracle” is cited by Hanukkah and Passover as well.  During the struggle that led to the holiday of Hanukkah the women were especially threatened since the invading Greeks would abduct and rape them on their wedding night.  Yehudit, the daughter of the high priest, assassinated a Greek general who was about to rape her, demoralizing the Greek army.

The Passover miracle was only possible because the Jewish women remained loyal to their husband instead of going over to Egyptian men.  The righteous women trusted that God would save the Jews and continued to want children even after the men had given up on building a future for the nation.  Without the women actively seducing the men, the entire Jewish people would have been lost.

These complementary explanations give modern men insight into the dynamics between men and women today.  If you are with a woman and are considering making it a more serious relationship, first evaluate if she feels that she is together with you when you endure difficulties.

Does she see herself as a part and a partner in your own struggle?  When you are stressed, sick, tired, or overwhelmed with work, does she try to sympathize and ease your pain?  Or does she shrug it off and focus on her own well being.

Obviously a woman who is not sensitive to your personal struggles in life is not going to make a good partner, because life will inevitably involve hard times as well as good times.  When someone is only concerned with her own pain she will not be able to make you a priority.  A partner who doesn’t feel threatened along with you when you are in danger does not deserve to celebrate your success with you.

A higher level is if this woman goes out of her way to ameliorate the problem and to help bear your burden.  This does not typically involve assassinating enemy generals.  Does she work with you to come up with solutions to problems instead of merely complaining to you and expecting you to solve it?

A woman who is truly with you in life is worthy to be with you in whatever miracles you experience and create.

The Talmud mentions a few items today related to learning and sharing wisdom.

The Aramaic translation of the Torah was composed by Onkelus the convert based on his teachers Rabbi Eliezer and Rabbi Yehoshua. The Aramaic translation of the Prophets was composed by Yonatan ben Uzziel based on a tradition going back to the last prophets, Haggai, Zechariah, and Malachi.

Onkelus had been a Roman noble and nephew to Hadrian before he converted to Judaism.  The Talmud in Avodah Zarah 11a details that the Caesar tried to bring him back to Rome by force, but Onkelus persuaded the soldiers to also convert to Judaism.  He explained and embodied the ways that Judaism was the opposite of Roman paganism, and was able to influence them to join him.

Since he was originally Roman, Onkelus had grown up speaking Latin and likely Greek, he had to learn Hebrew and Aramaic as an adult.  I suspect that because was a convert he was able to accept the ancient traditions he learned from his rabbis, teachings going all the way back to Moses, and rely on those to craft his translation.  A man born Jewish, steeped in Hebrew and Torah since his youth, would have been likely to inject his own personal explanations into the translation.

Naturally we realize that whenever a original information is translated, or even rephrased in the same language, the words chosen reflect the agenda of the translator.  This is especially true about the Bible itself, which enjoys all time bestseller status because it has been printed in every language.

Much is lost in translation, and other things are added.  If you study the Bible in translation, realize that the translator picked each word to pull you into his narrative and further his own goals.  I recommend obtaining a translation made by orthodox Jews, who base it on the ancient tradition going back to Moses, such as a Stone Chumash published by Artscroll.

This concept also applies to modern wisdom that you read, discuss, or hear on podcasts and youtube livestreams.  Whenever someone is interpreting information and presenting it to you, they are including some of their own personal understanding and motives along with the original.  If you can go back and study the first version of the message, you may come realize what spin they are putting on their transmission.

You need to be aware of the biases of your teachers, because they color the content you are consuming.  This is particularly true in modern social media.  People may work very hard to make themselves appear to be successful or to have special expertise on the topic, but their personal reality may be very different from the image they are crafting.  Vet your guru before you accept their advise.

The Talmud also cites a logical argument that since we delay the sacrifices for the priests in the Temple to hear Megillah, we also need to cease learning Torah to hear the Megillah.  The Gemara brings a story in which Joshua was chastised by an angel during the siege of Jericho for his failure to have the priests bring the afternoon offering and for not having the people learn Torah at night (Joshua 5:13–14).  This implies that learning Torah is the utmost priority, even above offerings, since the angel only came at night.

The Gemara reconciles the contradiction by noting that Torah study of the masses is greater than offerings, while that of an individual is not.  When people come together to study, they can challenge and correct one another, and bring in new viewpoints.  Through the active give and take, everyone ends up with a deeper understanding of the material.  In Jewish tradition, men don’t simply sit back and accept information, but challenge the teacher to provide valid sources and proofs, and work together to find practical applications.

This is another key in the transmission of wisdom.  If only one man receives information, it is highly likely that his personal biases will change what he gives it over to his students.  If he studied as part of a group, then his teaching should reflect a more nuanced and cohesive approach.

When you are learning by yourself, it can be helpful to imagine how you would teach the information.  What would you emphasize and what could you leave out?  This can get you to focus on the truly vital concepts and avoid cluttering your mind with extraneous data.

Mazal Tov gentleman, we are beginning a new book in the Talmud, Megillah.  The word Megillah refers to the scroll we read on the holiday of Purim, a celebration of events 2500 years ago.  The Megillah is also called the Book of Esther, after the heroine of the story.

The Persian government, bribed by a fanatic anti-Semite, had planned to murder all the Jews within their immense empire.  Queen Esther, who was secretly Jewish, was able to intercede and convince the king to allow the Jews to kill their enemies instead.  These events were recorded in the Megillah, which we read publicly on Purim.  Other practices on that holiday are sending gifts, giving to the poor, feasting, and drinking alcohol.

I wrote an essay about Purim story which explains the relationship between Esther and the Persian emperor Ahashueros, the historical Xerxes and sheds light on the concepts of sexual desire and loyalty.

The Talmud today states that there are actually multiple days on which we can read the Megillah, not just the official day of Purim.  These alternate times were enacted because people from small villages would travel to larger towns on Mondays and Thursdays.  In the smaller places there may not be a Megillah, or a man who knew how to read it properly (the scriptures were written without vowels and punctuation). 

Our sages allowed village folk to fulfill the requirement by getting together in the towns to read or hear the Megillah before the official day of Purim.  This also had the advantage of the villagers being available to bring fresh produce into the cities on the day the city people read the Megillah and celebrated Purim.

From here we learn a concept relevant to your personal schedule.  When you must get a certain task done, but there are other needs getting in the way, take care of what is essential first.  We are all busy and it is tempting to get minor things out of the way before sitting down for the real work.

It helps to give yourself options.  However, you need to be careful to make sure that there is enough time carved out for the things you consider critical.  This could be meditation, exercise, sleep, or reading a book.  Don’t let life get in the way of what you need in order to live a meaningful life and further your chosen mission.

The Talmud notes that nowadays we do not have multiple options for the day we read the Megillah.  This is because people came to rely on the fact that Purim was typically 30 days before Passover.  If some advance their Megillah reading, people could come to make mistakes about Passover.

When others are relying on you, be on time.  Timeliness is often overlooked in modern society.  You can help yourself be timely by devoting adequate time for what you need to accomplish for yourself before going to assist others.  One of the key factors in success as a man is working on your own mission first, prior to spending your time on other pursuits and people.

Mazal Tov gentleman on completing tractate Taanit.

As we discussed yesterday, the fifteenth of Av was a joyous day when the potential marriage market was widened on two historical occasions.  During the time of the Temple in Jerusalem, our ancestors had another related custom for Tu b’Av:

The daughters of the Jewish people would go out and dance in the vineyards, in borrowed white dresses.  A man who did not have a wife would turn to there to find one…

What would the beautiful women among them say?  Set your eyes toward beauty, as a wife is only for her beauty.

What would those of distinguished lineage among them say?  Set your eyes toward family, as a wife is only for children, and the children of a wife from a distinguished family will inherit her lineage.

What would the unattractive ones among them say? Acquire your purchase for the sake of Heaven, provided that you adorn us with golden jewelry

Which group of girls was correct?

All of them!

Without attraction there is no basis for the relationship.  Yes, we are in reality holy spiritual beings, but since our souls are placed within physical bodies, we must take our biological needs into account.

A woman from a good family would emphasize that advantage, and family background continues to be an important factor in choosing a mate.  If a modern woman has little to do with her family of origin, a man should find out why.

The less attractive girls reminded men of the truth that looks are external and fadinh, and that plenty of girls come from wonderful families but make different decisions.  They probably added other pieces of advice that played up their own positive traits, such as being a good cook, patient, loyal, or obedient.

The wisdom of our ancient women is that ultimately, who you decide to marry must be your personal choice for your own benefit.  A man needs to seriously weigh his options, and pick someone who meets his needs and can complement his own personality.  This means that a man needs to develop himself first, and become aware of his requirements, before he tries to find a wife.

It is worth pointing out that even though the last grouping of girls claimed mating is not about externalities, they still wanted jewelry.  Even when someone doesn’t look great, there is an importance to making the effort to look good.

A deeper level is that love requires us to see the positive attributes of another person. The single women were playing up their strengths so the men would come to see them and be attracted.

You should do the same in your life. Don’t hide or apologize for your flaws, identity your value and lead with that.

On the second to last Daf of Taanit our sages finish describing the practices for mourning national tragedies and turn to some happy anniversaries from Jewish history.  Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said: There were no days as happy for the Jewish people as the fifteenth of Av and as Yom Kippur.  Yom Kippur (the day of atonement, see Talmud Yoma) because of pardon and forgiveness.

The Gemara explores the reasons why the fifteen of Av (Tu b’Av) was so happy.  Two of these relate to finding a mate.  Rav Yehuda said that Shmuel said: On this day members of different tribes were permitted to intermarry into a different tribe.

Back in the wilderness the daughters of Tzelafhad had requested to receive their father’s share in the land of Israel, since he had no sons to inherit him (Number 36).  This was granted on condition that they marry within their own tribe, so their land would not become the inheritance of another tribe (Numbers 36:5).  While religious affiliation follows a Jewish mother, tribal identity follows your father.

The law applied for that generation, in which the lands were divided amongst tribes and families.  After that, a woman could marry a man from any tribe (some sources say this was on condition she would forego inheriting land from her own tribe).

Rav Yosef said that Rav Nahman said:  On that day the men from the tribe of Benjamin was permitted to marry the women of other tribes.  This refers to the aftermath of a horrible Jewish civil war started over the abuse of a concubine at Gibeah (Judges 19-20).  The other tribes almost wiped out the men of Benjamin, and then swore not to give their daughters to the survivors (Judges 21:1). 

This oath was only for those daughters, not the next generation.  The remaining men of Benjamin were then allowed to marry women from other tribes and rebuild and reconnect their tribe to the rest of the Jewish tribes.

We see that having a greater pool of potential mates is a happy occasion.  It is a difficult task to find an appropriate partner, and we might assume that having more options makes this challenge much greater.  Instead, Jewish wisdom teaches that the more options the better.

One joy in having many potential options is that it helps a man to remember that there are other fish in the sea.  If things are not going well enough with one, then you are able to try again with someone else. 

While Jewish tradition has a concept of a “zivug” or “bashert”, a destined match, ancient sources make clear that that this is not a simple one and done.  We explained this tension in detail regarding Isaac finding his wife.

However, we also learn that there are times when it is necessary to narrow down the pool by eliminating certain groups from consideration completely.  A man with a daughter understands the feeling that he would never let his little girl date a man from a certain background or profession.  It’s simply out the question.

As a man gains experience in life, he will learn that certain types of people won’t make a good partner for him.  A wise man eliminates those from consideration for a mate.  This isn’t a judgment on that person, they simply won’t be a proper fit in his life.  It would be a waste of time to pursue a person who isn’t going to work out.

As you develop yourself you will find that you need specific attributes in a partner that fill the gaps in your own abilities.  In a relationship the man and woman should take complementary roles reinforcing one another.  You have to become aware of your personal strengths and weaknesses first, and become analytical when considering the qualifications of a potential mate. 

The Talmud reminds us that seeking a mate should be a joyous part of life.  Often it can also be frustrating and challenging.  Staying upbeat and pleasant will help you through this task, and simply being fun makes you a lot more attractive.

We discuss the tragic events of the seventeenth of the month of Tammuz, and the disasters that befell us on the ninth of Av.  Our sages explain that the invading heathens actually broke into the Temple on the seventh of Av, then feasted and engaged in random violence and debauchery, but did set fire to the structure until late in the afternoon of the ninth.

Rabbi Yohanon states that if he had been in that generation, he would have established the fast day on the tenth, since although the fire was started on the ninth, most of the actual destruction was not wrought until the tenth.  In theory, some miracle could have saved the Temple even on the ninth, so it wasn’t over yet.

The rabbis who established the fast on the ninth were of the opinion that the beginning of the destruction is more significant.  Once we know it is going to end, we can consider it done. With the fires set, the Temple was finished even though the building was still standing.

This debate helps us to understand a theme in human relationships.  Sometimes things are not going well and it looks like a partnership will not last.  Some men will keep on going through the motions even though it is already over on the emotional plane Just because we get used to a situation that worked for a time, that does not mean it will always continue to function.

You should not be waiting for everything to go up in flames.  Instead, pay attention to when feelings start to shift or fade.  You need to take action to end (or try to salvage) the partnership well before what feels like the end.

The Talmud names ancient families that donated wood to the Temple.  The Gemara asks why the Mishnah called two of these the pestle smugglers and fig cutters.  Our sages explain that the government, meaning the occupying Romans or Greeks, had banned the Jews from bringing firewood or first fruits (see Deuteronomy 18:4) to the Temple.

When the foreigners put sentries on the gates to enforce their decree, most people gave up.  However, worthy men took baskets of first fruits and covered them with dried figs, and carried them with a pestle.  When asked by the foreign guards they claimed to be taking the figs to be pressed with the pestle at the press in Jerusalem and were able to pass by.  Then they brought the baskets of first fruits to the Temple to fulfill God’s command.

Another time the sin fearing men made sturdy ladders and came to Jerusalem, and claimed that the ladders were needed to take pigeons out of their coops.  Having tricked the guards they took the ladders to the Temple to use as firewood.

These righteous families were called after their wise strategies to bypass the foreign interference with the Temple.

The wisdom here is that when new challenges arise, you need to find a work around.  The world is changing, that is the only constant.  If you keep doing the same thing you will not continue to get the results you want.

We also learn that men are remembered for their actions, not just their names.  If you want to make an impression in a group, stand out through your deeds and activities.  Others may forget your name, but if you accomplish something amazing they wont forget that.

The Gemara describes the men of the watch, who represented the nation by coming to the holy Temple.  In the Temple the priests brought public sacrifices on behalf of everyone, and as the Gemara quips if you are offering on behalf of a man he needs to be there.  Since not everyone can come every day, men took a turn acting on behalf of others.

The Talmud goes on to note that in the first Temple era there were 24 watches of priests.  Each watch served for one week in the Temple, responsible for all the offerings, and received the hides and certain parts of some sacrifices as payment.  After the Babylonian exile, only four of these 24 returned to Jerusalem to serve in the second Temple.

The Gemara recounts how the prophets of that time divided these four families into 24 watches, to take the place of the original 24.  If priests of the other families later returned from Babylon, they would not get their original shift back, but would have to serve among the four groups that showed up originally.

We can understand the importance of showing up when there is a need.  Only four families of priests showed up for the second Temple.  Their names are recorded in the Talmud for posterity, while the other 20 families are not, and were made subordinate to the men who stepped up to serve the community.

The future belongs to the men who show up.  Be among those who are remembered by future generations.

Today we begin the third and final chapter of Taanit.  The Mishnah describes the procedure in the Temple for fast days, and notes that five calamitous disasters occurred to our forefathers on the seventeenth of Tammuz, and five other disasters happened on the Ninth of Av  These are the major fast days in response to calamities.

Immediately after describing the disasters on those days, the Mishnah mentions the joyous days of the fifteenth of Av and Yom Kippur.  We will in just a few days explain why those were days of immense happiness.  The point is that our sages understood that both tragedy and joy are part of life.

Some people expect that life will be stable, or that after they settle down things will be predictable.

This isn’t a realistic expectation.  Instead, plan for uncertainty.  There will definitely be times you are disappointed or injured, and suffer losses.

Now, we do try to focus on the joys of life, and we wish people “Mazal tov” or good fortune.  It is true that if you pay attention to everything unfortunate, you get in the habit of finding problems and complaints, even where none exist.  However, you must expect that life will sometimes give you lemons.

Life is supposed to be inconsistent, this allows men to develop the capacity to bounce back.  Beware of trying to smooth out all of life’s bumps or plan for every contingency.  This is not possible.