This Daf examines the verbal component of Kiddushin. If a man simply hands a woman money, even a gold ring, they are not married unless he states that he is intending for this act to be a Kiddushin and she then accepts physically or verbally. It may be possible to tell from context that the gift is effective Kiddushin, for example if this couple was talking about getting married.

Our sages ask about a man who uses other terms, not the standard phrase of Kiddushin. If his intent is obvious, such as “you are hereby my wife” then this also works. However, saying you are my helper, my counterpart, my other half, or my rib is not clear enough.

The Talmud explains that in Yehuda (Judea), men used to refer to their betrothed as “Harufah”, based on a verse Leviticus 19:20. Therefore, in Yehuda this language could work to effect Kiddushin. However, in other lands it was still vague.

When you are in a relationship, especially during the earlier stages, be aware of the terms you use. Certain words can connote a higher degree of commitment or permanence than one partner may actually intend. The feeling your terms create in the other person also depends on where you are and your social milieu.

In some places a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” is already quite serious, while among other people it is not. Sometimes a serious conversation is required before a couple will states they are “in a relationship”, even though technically they were for quite some time.

In addition, individuals who grew up in different families may be more or less reluctant to express their emotions. It may be fairly easy for one person to admit “I love you” while for another it may takes months and prior displays of commitment by the other partner before they say this phrase.

The Gemara continues to explain the first Mishnah, and examines why a written document is able to create a marriage. Our sages note that a Get, a writ of divorce, ends a marriage, so a document of Kiddushin should be able to form a marriage. In general, we do compare the laws of marriage and divorce, based on Deuteronomy 24:2. That verse juxtaposes divorce and marriage.

However, these is another concept “can a defender become the prosecutor?” This idea is that people feel that something used for a positive outcome should not also create a negative one. So how can a written document which binds a couple together as man and wife also split them apart?

The Talmud answers that the words in each document are totally different. Yes, the written word can create or destroy, but only when the correct words for each situation are used.

This is a stark reminder that our words can lead to positive outcomes or God forbid the total opposite. We need to be aware that our words, especially when used on our partners and family members, create strong emotional reactions.

Even using that same word with a different tone, or with a shrug or a smirk, can lead to a disastrous result in another person.

Our sages discuss why the Torah states by a Jewish maid who reaches the age of physical maturity while working as a servant in another home: she goes out without payment (Exodus 21:11). This implies that there is a payment that creates a relationship, hinting that money can affect Kiddushin.

The Talmud concludes that with only this source, without “when a man acquires a wife” in Deuteronomy 24:1, we would get a wrong impression:

Had the Torah written only: “Then she goes out for nothing,” I might say that in a case where a woman gave the man money to betroth the man, this is a valid betrothal. Therefore, the Merciful One writes: “When he takes,” not when she takes.

The Torah and Talmud recognize innate biological differences between men and women. Men were created to have more testosterone, which enhances their ability to be outgoing and take risks. A man is equipped to take the initiative and propose marriage despite the possibility of rejection.

On Daf 2 our sages cite another reason why men are the more active party in seeking out women for marriage:

Rabbi Shimon says: For what reason did the Torah say: “When a man takes a wife” and did not write: “When a woman is taken by a man? Because it is the way of a man to pursue a woman, and it is not the way of a woman to pursue a man.

When a person has lost an item, who searches for what? Certainly the owner of the lost item searches for his lost item (not vice versa).

Rashi explains that since the first woman was created from Adam’s removed rib or side, the man seeks that part which he has lost. Without a woman to accompany him through life, he is missing something inherent.

This is a useful concept in finding a mate. We are all in truth looking for what we have lost, what will make us feel whole.

Before you try to get married, you must examine yourself and ask what specifically is missing from your life. When you meet a potential mate, find out how and if this person can provide what you are seeking.

The second Daf on Kiddushin explains that when the mishnah states a woman becomes married in three ways, this may exclude the possibility that Chuppah (the second step of marriage) forms a marriage. We might think that since Chuppah finalizes the marriage it can also be used to get the partnership off the ground.

It is interesting that Chuppah or Nisuin is the subject of debate amongst later sages. Some say it is accomplished through the man bringing the woman into his own home or space,. This is often done by bringing her under a wedding canopy, as typically the man has rented the wedding hall. Other sources say Chuppah is when the couple is alone together and able to be intimate as many and wife.

In any event, we see that moving in together or sharing physical intimacy does not create a marriage without being preceded by a purposeful and mutually agreed first step to create such a serious relationship.

In modern times, outside of religious groups many people choose to move in together for a time prior to marriage. This is actually a dangerous move. One of both people may not be intending to form a permanent bond, but end up being pressured into marriage as their lives intertwine. This is not always a healthy dynamic, one person can gradually pull the other towards their own goal, leading to resentment.

In Jewish wisdom, moving in together and sharing everything is the final stage of marriage. If a couple isn’t ready to get married it is counterproductive to shack up. If they are ready, then let them get married so they can create a life as one with clear intentions and expectations.

We begin, with Divine assistance, learning about the formation of a marriage. In Jewish law, Kiddushin is the first stage of marriage, after which the couple is legally married but not yet living together. This status is more serious than being engaged, as she is considered to be a marrie woman. The second stage is called Nisuin or Chuppah.

Our sages teach that Kiddushin can be accomplished through the man giving to the woman money, or an item worth money like a ring, through a legal document certifying they are married, or through intimate relations. The woman must accept and agree, regardless of the method.

The Talmud derives that money is effective in acquiring a wide from Abraham’s purchase of land (Genesis 23:13). This verse uses the same word as Deuteronomy 24:1 which is about marriage.

Our sages later on Daf 9 will cite a source why physical intimacy between a man and woman creates a bond of marriage when they intend for this result. On today’s Daf they mention that the other methods of Kiddushin are in a sense preparatory since they lead to the goal of marital intimacy. The marriage created through intimate relations is more direct and immediate.

This may be because a sexual relationship is the key defining feature of marriage. The Rambam (Maimonides), a great figure in Jewish law almost 1000 years ago, explains in the first section of Laws of marriage:

Before the Torah was given, when a man would meet a woman in the marketplace and he and she decided to wed, he would bring her into his home, have intimate relations in private and this act made her his wife.

Once the Torah was given, Jews were commanded that when a man desires to marry a woman, he must acquire her as a wife in the presence of witnesses. After this, does she become his wife, as the Torah states (Deuteronomy 22:13): “When a man takes a wife and has relations with her.”

We see that in the absence of the guidance of the Bible, a couple living together and having intimate relations created a marital bond. While the Torah added a step for Jews to form a marriage, the end result after Chuppah is the same. A man and wife being totally comfortable together is the goal of marriage.

Friends can give valuable gifts; business partners can form contractual promises that will enrich one another. But only a man and wife share the special Divine gift of true intimacy.

This is something to keep in mind when seeking a mate. If the prospective partner has money, status, or potential to create them, this does have value. Obviously having assets allows you to more easily build a future together. However, if there is a lack of sexual attraction, something critical is missing.

It is worth noting that later in Kiddushin we will learn that even in the times of the Talmud our sages discouraged Kiddushin through intimacy as being immodest. A bond based only on passion is also problematic.

The Rambam comments that acting in this way creates a valid marriage but is discouraged because it looks like the couple is trying to revert to the situation before the giving of the Torah.

The Talmud, continuing yesterday’s discussion of psychology, adds to the list of the brazen evildoer “rasha arum” a man who read scripture and studied the mishnah (Oral Law) but never served sages. This man is well educated but fundamentally flawed. Serving sages means spending time with them to observe how they act, how they apply the law to answer practical questions and guide people with advice.

Our sages say such a man as truly ignorant, or even like a Magus (magician) who fools people with illusion. This man tricks others into assuming he is wise and authoritative by citing scripture, like a mage who mutters spells without understanding them.

A person can gain a tremendous amount of knowledge but never learn how to apply it to real life. We see this today with academics and experts who develop intricate plans that are out of touch with how people actually live. Our sages criticize this approach in harsh terms.

The best method to take your theoretical knowledge into the practical realm is what the Talmud points out today. We need a teacher to demonstrate how to actually apply rules and concepts. Merely learning the law without spending time with sages applying it will lead a man to assume he knows how to live, when in reality he only has information without wisdom.

Even today when we are blessed with access to countless books, podcasts, and online videos explaining and demonstrating skills, you can gain much more from hands on teaching and coaching from someone who has practical experience.

Today’s Daf also states that teachers of Mishnah destroy the world. These teachers typically memorized the entire Mishnah, since actual books were extremely rare. The Gemara asks how these experts could be destroying the world. Learning and teaching is the greatest thing among the people of the book and these men were critical for passing on the Mishnah to the next generation.

The Gemara answers that these men become a problem when they render legal decisions based on the Mishnah they know. We never cite a Mishnah alone to justify a legal ruling, as the Gemara analyzed and clarified which Mishnaic rulings are correct, and later sages explained how to use them in various scenarios.

Just taking dry book knowledge and throwing it at a real problem is a double danger. Without knowing how to apply the law, even if you have a correct answer, it can be the wrong answer for this situation. And since you assume that your solution was authoritative, you don’t second guess yourself or consider alternatives.

When great authorities on Jewish law (Poskim) answer a question with practical ramifications, they cite every relevant source, analyze the writings of earlier sages, and figure out how the law applies to the specific situation. This often requires analyzing how other rabbis understood and applied Jewish law in similar cases.

This process is not magic. We cannot just quote verses from scripture to prove a point. We must cite to how sages in prior generations understood and applied the Law to real life.

Bottom line, don’t assume you know how to live based on reading books. Seek out men with wisdom and life experience and see how they use information in practice.

We are discussing how it may be possible for a Sotah who was actually guilty of adultery to drink the potion and not die immediately. Our sages explain that the merit of learning Torah can protect her and delay the punishment.

The Gemara asks how Torah study protects her, as women are not actually required to learn. (We need to add that women indeed must learn the laws that apply to them, which is a vast amount of information, but they do not need to learn just for the sake of learning). The answer is that enabling her husband and sons to learn brings her merit and protection.

A person can be doing many good things and also supporting others, but still commit heinous crimes. Human beings are a mixed bag, don’t expect anyone to be entirely good or totally evil.

This applies to yourself as well. Don’t be shocked when you make mistakes, and don’t take it too hard. Recognize that you have a dark side, and that you are drawn to specific negative behaviors. When you accept that you have a shadow and are not perfect, you can readily learn from your errors and try to anticipate and avoid problems that you are prone to.

At the end of today’s Daf our sages list types of people considered “rasha arum” a brazenly wicked person. The word arum can mean unclothed or brazen but also means cunning or sly.

One of these rasha arum is a person who is lenient on himself but strict on others. He is exacting when judging other people, but makes excuses for his own failings, or blames them on outside forces. This manifests as double standards or making rules for others, while breaking rules for personal gain.

The key flaw of this double standard bearer is that instead of recognizing their own nature as a mix of good and bad, he places all the good within himself and the bad outside, in other people.

In modern psychology this is referred to as splitting or black and white thinking. This behavior is common among people with borderline personality traits or with vulnerable narcissism. These people cannot address their own flaws without severe stress, so they place blame and shame on others while passing themselves off as perfect.

עין מגילה פחד מסלקת הדם ongoing anxiety closes and restrains change. Sudden shock opens system, allows change

The Talmud discusses how a Sotah wife was urged to admit her sin prior to the erasure of the scroll into the potion. We do not want to erase God’s Name unless it is truly necessary. On the topic of erasure, the Gemara cites a debate over putting “kankantom” (copper sulfate) as a binding material in the ink used to write a Torah scroll. This substance will make the letters difficult to erase.

Rabbi Meir, a professional scribe, would put kankantom into his ink, and Rabbi Akiva did not object. But when he went to learn from Rabbi Yishmael, that sage told him not to add it into the ink (at least for the verses about the Sotah).

However, Rabbi Meir also reported using kankantom in his ink when he was with Rabbi Yishmael, but that when he came to study under Rabbi Akiva, Rabbi Akiva forbade it.

The Gemara explains that at first, Rabbi Meir went to learn with Rabbi Akiva, but did not understand his teachings. Rashi explains that Rabbi Akiva was so brilliant that he could argue in favor of both sides of a debate, and without solid background in the actual law, the students could not tell which conclusion correct.

Rabbi Meir went to Rabbi Yishmael to learn teachings, meaning the basic contents of the Oral Law. We now call this the Mishnah. These are short and clear rulings typically without explanations.

Having mastered the Oral Law, he returned to Rabbi Akiva to explore the reasons behind the law, the explanations as to why certain things are pure and impure, allowed and forbidden.

You need to get the basic information and definitions before you can analyze any topic. If you are trying to explore an intricate area of study but lack the ability to define the terms you are using, you cannot really understand, and cannot give over your information to others, since they have different definitions.

We see from Rabbi Akiva that the highest level of understanding is to be able to see arguments for both sides. When someone is blinded by emotions, he or she can only find support for one side, that side that makes him or her feel better. By detaching from your emotional investment in the question you can being using intellect to weigh the pros and cons of both options.

If you are arguing with someone, try restating and summarizing the basic points the other side is making, without the emotional content and exaggerations. Distill it down to the logical level, and repeat it back to them. Only then, propose the reasons why your side is valid, and ask the other to summarize your arguments as well.

Rabbi Elazar said to Rabbi Yoshiya of his generation: Do not sit on your feet (meaning squat or sit on the floor) until you explain this matter to me: From where is it derived that the meal-offering of a Sotah requires waving?

Rashi explains that the words “of his generation” are necessary since there was an older Rabbi Yoshia as well. It would have been disrespectful for Rabbi Elazar to address the elder sage in the same way he spoke to the younger Rabbi Yoshia. You don’t tell an elder who just walked in to stay on his feet while he answers your question.

We have a concept in conventional Judaism of respecting elders, based on the verse Vayikra 19:32: “Mipnei seiva takum v’hadarta pnei zakein”. Stand up in the presence of the elderly and show respect before the aged.

Now we also respect wisdom and learning, even by younger men. However, there is an assumption that age brings the wisdom of experience. An older man has seen more life. He enjoys a perspective that a younger person simply cannot have yet.

However, age brings wisdom only when you reflect on life experience and learn the lessons. Just living more years without thinking about what is going on does not really help.

You can increase your wisdom at any age by taking time each day to simply analyze what is happening and reflect on if you are leading your life in the correct direction. Repeats this process each week, and month, and year to distill your knowledge into workable concepts.

Our sages discuss the oath that the Sotah wife takes before drinking the waters. The Bible states that she affirms Amen Amen, accepting the oath and the curse.

The Talmud explains that this doubling serves multiple purposes. The Sotah waters will check her for infidelity not just with the man she was warned about, but with any man. She will be punished if the adultery was while she was living with her husband, or even during the first stage of marriage before they were living together. (In Jewish law, a woman is married after engagement, in modern times we perform the engagement just minutes before the wedding).

On this theme, our sages ask if a woman can become a Sotah more than once, while married to the same husband.

The Rambam rules that a wife can be a Sotah only once with any specific man: Sally was warned not to be alone with Brad, ignored that warning, and was brought to the Temple as a Sotah. She was innocent of actual adultery and returned to her husband.

However, she again was acting suspect with Brad and was warned again. Now if she is alone with Brad, she cannot be tested as a Sotah. Instead she must be divorced and loses her marriage contract. If there is testimony to actual adultery, then she and Brad would be executed by the court.

The logic here is that if a woman is not affected by the powerful, public ritual, but still repeats her licentiousness, there is no point in testing her again. Once a person loses her sense of awe, it doesn’t come back.

If someone in you life has been less than loyal once, but you can determine that they did not betray you, then you can let this slide. However, this Gemara shows us that anything more than once has become a pattern. No amount of pleading or intimidation can change the new reality. The relationship is now broken and cannot continue.