Today the Daf cites a Mishnah teaching a vital topic that we have mentioned before: who is considered a bastard (mamzer) in Jewish law?  This was actually a raging debate:

Which children have the status of a mamzer?  Offspring from any kin on which there is a Biblical prohibition that he should not engage in sexual relations with them; per Rabbi Akiva.
Shimon HaTimni says: Offspring of a union with any forbidden relation for which one is liable to receive karet (excision) at the hand of Heaven.  And the Law is in accordance with his statement.
Rabbi Yehoshua says: It is the offspring of a union with any forbidden relation for which one can receive court-imposed capital punishment.

Rabbi Shimon ben Azzai adds that her personally found a scroll recording people’s lineages in Jerusalem, and it was written in it that a certain man is a mamzer from an adulterous union with a married woman.

In ancient times ink and paper were expensive, people did not waste words.  The fact that someone took the time and expense to write the extra words shows the extreme outrage and social stigma against adultery with a married woman.  This also appears to support the position of Rabbi Yehoshua, but the law is not like him anyway.  Therefore it seems that whoever wrote the scroll meant that not only was the man named a mamzer, but this was due to adultery.  He or she was recording a sense of disgust with the act of being intimate with another man’s wife.

It is eye opening to compare attitudes towards adultery in the past with the modern attitude.  Yes, adultery did happen  throughout history, even in strictly religious communities.  However, the typical reaction throughout history was moral outrage at the adulterers, if not outright execution.

When a community or society is judgmental against certain behaviors, you will see less of those behaviors.  Human beings respond to incentives and dangers.  When there is a real danger that adultery will bring a trial and execution, a man and woman think twice.

This ancient scroll also mentioned that the teachings of Rabbi Eliezer Ben Yakov were “kav v’naki” meaning few and clean.  This means that although Rabbi Eliezer Ben Yakov was not one of the more prolific teachers in the Mishnaic period, he carefully chose what to say, and the Law follows his opinion.

When you don’t comment about everything, your words tend to carry more authority.  A man who feels a need to share his opinion on every topic will rarely have done his research first.  Be aware of your own tendency in communication, and try to develop the ability to convey your expertise when you choose to weigh in.

The fact that there was this ancient scroll listing not just genealogy but other relevant information is a reminder of the importance of writing down your ideas.  The act of putting your thoughts onto paper requires you to reflect on what is going on in your life.  Even if you just write a few words, you choose those words for a purpose.

Try writing down what is going on, either just a summary or bullet points or if your prefer let it all out in a stream of words.  You don’t need a diary, you can take notes on what you are working on, and write what you learned in the margins of books you read.  Writing is an excellent way to check in on what is going on in your own psyche.

Today we discuss the conversion of slaves to Judaism.  We first must explain that in ancient times, some Jews held slaves or were themselves slaves, this was a very different institution than existed in the antebellum south or in other ancient societies.

Under Jewish law a man cannot abuse his slave, must feed and care for slaves, and if he beats his slave and does damage, even chips a tooth, the man goes free.  This is very different than the understanding of servitude in other cultures, in which slaves were subhuman and their lives had no value.

For a detailed explanation of Jewish slavery and a comparison to modern criminal justice see Mishpatim.

In today’s learning we discuss people who started as non Jews.  They were informed of the central tenets of Judaism, circumcised, and immersed in a ritual bath for the purpose of service.  Thus they became quasi Jewish, obligated in the Bible’s commandments to the same degree as a Jewish woman.   They were not required to follow the positive commandments that are done at specific times, because they had not learned enough yet, and they were expected to be available to work.

The Talmud rules that we do not circumcise a man against his will.  A man who refuses to undergo circumcision cannot be kept as a slave, and cannot later become a full Jew.  This could explain why keeping slaves was relatively rare among ancient Jews compared to the Romans and Greeks, who relied extensively on slavery.   Historically, circumcision was rare and typically only performed by Jews, then later by Christians and Muslims as well.  A man would be reluctant to undergo this rite unless he really wanted to become part of the Jewish people.

The Talmud notes that even after such a slave is freed and becomes a full Jew, obligated in all commandments, there is a danger that he will observe Judaism out of fear and not out of love.  This is a profound statement with massive theological consequences.

Many faiths emphasize fear of punishment, like burning in hell, to get people to behave the way they want.  Shame and guilt is a blunt instrument.  This approach can drive away some adherents, and push others into being judgmental and puritanical snoops.  Other ideologies may espouse “love” as the answer, some even teach that “God is Love”.  If everything is about Love or connection then it may feel good, but rarely accomplishes anything real.

Judaism recognizes a need for both negative and positive incentives in life.  We do many things to obtain a reward, or  to experience connection, but we also act to avoid negative consequences that we fear.  Both of these are intrinsic parts of how humans experience motivation.

Service borne out of fear or awe of God is actually a desirable thing.  A man who fears the Lord and respects His Word will walk the straight path and not be deterred by what others think.  Starting with a sense of awe of the Divine he will  come to serve out of love and appreciation as well.

Tosafot explains that the problem here is this man is serving God out of fear of other people.  He is being pushed into religion by peer pressure, he may be emulating others to avoid being thought of as weak in his faith or different.  The ex-slave with such a mindset isn’t worried about what God thinks of his efforts, but if he appears to be religious enough to impress the people around him and avoid being criticized.

God wants a relationship with each of us.  A relationship based on fear is greatly problematic.  Sadly, many people, both men and women, feel a degree of fear from their partner.  They may be staying with this person because they anticipate that trying to leave will cause intense anger, depression, and abuse.  Intermittent expressions of love and fear can also result in trauma bonding.  Some people also fear being left alone, and assume that a bad mate is better than no mate.

Fear and anxiety may bring (dysfunctional) attachment, but it does not forge a true bond.  Love is a higher level than fear, it involves doing for the other party out of your own free choice and desire to connect.  However, love alone does not make for a lasting couple as respect is also a prerequisite for building a healthy relationship.

A man should consider if both love and fear (in the form of respect) are present in his own relationships, and if they are in a healthy balance.  In addition, a wise man examines how whatever faith or ideology he chooses to subscribe to motivates people through fear and love.

Continuing the topic of conversion, the Talmud explains that we discourage potential converts.  We ask why they are motivated to convert, since the Jewish people at the present time are hated, oppressed, despised, and harassed, and hardships are visited upon them.  If the would-be convert is sincere despite this, the rabbis inform him of some of the commandments, a little at a time.

This is based on the famous exchange between Ruth and Naomi (Ruth 1:16-18).  Naomi was actually teaching Ruth about a few central commandments which could be especially difficult for Ruth, and Ruth was accepting the responsibility and punishment for each:

Naomi said: We Jews are commanded to observe six hundred and thirteen Divine commands.  Ruth responded: “Your people are my people”. Naomi said: Idolatry is forbidden to us. Ruth responded: “Your God is my God”. Naomi said to her: Four types of capital punishment are available to a court to punish those who transgress the commandments. Ruth responded: “Where you die, I shall die”…

When Naomi saw that she was sincere, she accepted Ruth as a convert (of course she also required immersion in a ritual bath as well).  What is interesting is that Naomi, and the later sages, did not spell out everything at once to a convert.  This is practical as we do not want to overwhelm with the minutiae of Jewish law, but contains a broader wisdom as well.

When you are forging a relationship with someone, do not be in a hurry to reveal everything about yourself.  Give a few key facts, enough for someone to decide if they are interested.  Don’t try to present a whole court case to the other party to convince them that you are a great guy.  Spend time together, say a little bit at first, and let the other person figure out if they like you and want to continue a relationship.

We see that men who try to hard to impress fall flat.  This applies not just in romantic relationships, but with friends and business partners as well.  You are simply not going to find other people who love every aspect of your personality, so don’t bother telling them everything all at once.  After you have a working partnership and a common cause, you may find that you indeed enjoy the same interests or hobbies and can connect over those as well.

In general, a relationship is built on a gradual increase in what you know about the other side, and likewise what they know about you.  If someone is trying to tell you too much too fast this could be a warning sign that something is off with the way they relate to other people.

At the end of today’s Daf, the Talmud mentions that a war bride (eshet yafat toar) could skip the official process described in Deuteronomy 21 for her conversion, if she is willing to convert to Judaism immediately.  We will, God willing, discuss war brides in detail when we learn kiddushin.

The normal process took at least 30 days, and required her to shave her hair and dress in humble garments, while she mourned for her loss.  This was to allow her to let go of her idolatrous culture in preparation for marrying a Jew.

Why would a woman convert right away, maybe even on the battlefield?  Keep in mind this was a non Jewish woman captured in war by a Jewish soldier.  She was in a highly emotional state, her idolatrous culture has just lost a war to the monotheists.  She may have seen family members killed in battle.  The culture she grew up in may no longer exist, her home may be literally up in flames.

She must face the prospect of rebuilding her life from the ground up in a totally new society.  The conversion for this woman gives her a 30 day time of mourning over her parents and culture before she decides to convert and marry the soldier.

But certain women may be so impressed with the outcome of the war, and perhaps by the impression of this particular soldier who captured her.  She can choose to skip the waiting period by accepting Judaism immediately.  We see from here that while typically relationships are formed through a gradual build up, intense emotions can induce women to skip steps and rush into a new bond.

A man should not be shocked when he sees that a woman requires a great deal of time and effort to form a relationship in one context, but is ready to rush into something new when her emotions pull her towards that outcome.

The Talmud today brings a critical discussion about conversion to Judaism.  Keep in mind that Jews do not try to convince others to become Jewish.  If someone comes to join the Jewish people, we try to talk them out of it.  .

For a man to convert, he is required to accept the commandments of the Bible, undergo circumcision, and immerse in a ritual bath.  Our sages debate which act is the main part of the process, the circumcision or immersion.  When the Jews were in Egypt, they were not yet full Jews, and underwent both steps.

Some bring a proof that immersion seals the deal, from the fact that women do not get circumcised.  This may sound totally obvious, but even today some societies in Africa and Arab lands have a barbaric custom to cut or remove certain parts of female anatomy.  Some also bind her opening shut, to prevent premarital intimacy.  None of these were ever Jewish practice.

It may appear unfair that the Bible requires that men undergo a more invasive and painful procedure to convert.  This reflects a fundamental difference between men and women.  Women are complete the way they are, they are even capable of creating new human life.  To convert, they only need to change their intellectual and emotional understanding of their place in the world.

Men are innately drive by physical desires, not just for intimacy, but also to compete, build, create, and explore.  They need to harness their drives for a holy purpose.  A man uses his body and urges to accomplish greater things, so he needs to fix his body, not just his mind.  We discussed this in detail in Tazria.

We see this difference reflected in modern society as well.  Women are already respected, men must work to become respected.  We have encountered slogans such as “respect all women” or “believe all women”.  No one would think to use the same catchphrase but substitute men there, it would make no sense.

A man needs to be willing to face pain and suffering in order to realize his potential.  He must become the man he is capable of being to have status in society.  Women are already honored and protected.  This is not a reason for a man to1 pout about his fate and complain that women have it easier.  Instead this reality is an impetus for a man to find his own mission and get to work.

The Talmud turns to a critical topic.  If a man and woman have forbidden relations, how does this affect a child from that union?  It depends.

Recall that there are varying levels of prohibited relationships. For instance, a man is forbidden to remarry his ex wife after she was married to another man.  But if he did this anyway they are legally married and their children are completely normal.

But by more serious restrictions, such as a married woman or a relative, marriage is not even possible.  A man going through the motions of marrying his sister is a meaningless act.  In such a case, some sages state that any child from their act is a bastard, a mamzer, who is unable to marry a regular Jew.

The Gemara debates another type of forbidden relationship, where there would never be a possibility of marriage under Jewish law, such as between a Jewish woman and a non-Jewish man.  A case in which a female captive had been abused by her captor came before Rabbi Ami.  He cited three earlier sages who held the child was a mamzer.  Rav Yosef replied “Is it so great to list men?” and listed four great sages who taught that such a child was not a mamzer.

We see that merely citing multiple sources does not prove a point in the law.  Before accepting what others say, you need to understand why they say this and if it actually applies to your own situation.  One of the key reasons Jews still study the ancient Talmud is that it contains the arguments and reasons that lead to the Jewish law we apply today.  We look at both sides before trying to draw a legal conclusion.  Both may have true and valid arguments, but one may apply better to the current scenario.

This is a danger in modern life.  If you go seeking advice regarding a decision, especially online, you will find plenty of sources in favor and others against.  Many content creators pass themselves off as objective, while they might have interest in you making a certain choice, such as buying a product they endorse.  Others claim to be experts or gurus when their own personal experience undermines their assertions.  A man trying to make an informed decision may simply find too much contradictory information and opinions out there.

Instead, a practical approach is to keep your own mission in mind.  Does this choice or purchase bring you closer to your chosen goals or farther from them?  Seeking out advice can be helpful, but it can also lead to “analysis paralysis”.  Constantly thinking about how to further your personal life mission helps you sort through the conflicting data and tease out useful advice.

The Mishnah brings a case where four married brothers died.  The oldest surviving brother is allowed to marry all four widows, as long as none are related to him or to each other.

The Gemara asks do we really let this one man marry four women?  The verses regarding Yibum imply that the local elders or rabbinical court speaks to the Yavam to advise him to be practical in his choice, for example not to perform the mitzvah if the woman is much older or younger.  So too, the court could advise him not to perform Yibum with four women.

The problem here is not polygamy, the Bible allows polygyny, one man married to multiple women.  Rather, it is quite demanding  to provide for four wives, and a man is required to support his wives equally.  The Talmud in Eruvin mentions a man with three wives, who provided each wife her own apartment.  The Gemara’s assumption here is that men of average means would find supporting four wives impossible.

The Gemara concludes that the brother in this Mishnah must have the means to support these women, so our sages ask why the Mishnah stops at four.  Why not five?

The Talmud explains that this is good advice, since a man is required to be intimate with his wife on a regular basis.  This is a Biblical requirement (Exodus 21:10) and sex is considered a critical part of marriage.  With more than four wives, it will be difficult to fulfill their romantic needs.  (Though the Jerusalem Talmud Yevamot 4:12 mentions a man who married twelve women via Yibum).

Another Gemara in Ketuvot 61b explains that the minimum frequency is based on a man’s profession and availability to be at home.  A scholar is expected to be with his wife at least once a week.  With four, each wife will have his undivided intimate attention once a month, at a minimum.  More than that and a man risks neglecting his obligation to show his wives a good time.

Some commentators on the Talmud (Ritva, Nimukei Yosef) point out that in this case these women are only guaranteed once a month.  While this less than the typical minimum for a wife, since these marriages were the result of Yibum, the husband can get away with less often than once a week.  After all, it was not his choice for his brothers to pass away, leaving their widows to Yibum.

Jewish wisdom is a system that accounts for not only spiritual and intellectual concepts, but also physical needs.  All men need to think about what their needs are, on all levels of life, and work on improving their life with the goal of having their needs met in a healthy way.

The Talmud is continuing the discussion about how long a woman must wait to remarry after a prior marriage ends.  The Gemara brings a teaching that a woman who was widowed during Kiddushin (often translated as engagement, but this is really the first stage of marriage) must wait for the 30 days of mourning before accepting Kiddushin from a different man.

Our sages seek to draw a comparison to the mourning practices in the weeks before Tisha b’Av, the day commemorating the destruction of the first two Temples and other disasters.  During those weeks of mourning there are many restrictions on activities that bring joy, but Kiddushin is still permitted.

The Gemara concludes that we cannot make a comparison, since and the old grief from the loss of the Temple is different from new grief caused by a recent death.  In addition, public mourning by the whole community is distinct from private mourning by the relatives of the deceased.

Our sages are basing this off of their deep understanding off of normal human psychology.  Old wounds do heal and the pain subsides.   A shared grief is easier to bear than one felt by only an individual.

If a man obsesses over past trauma, and still feels as hurt as when it was fresh, this is not normal.  We should be sensitive that PTSD is real can be severely debilitating.  To help men suffering from PTSD, we should try to encourage them to refocus their emotional attention.  The work is putting the past into the past and learning to focus on the future.

In addition, learning to share grief and anxiety may lighten the load.  It is true that modern society puts undue emphasis on men sharing their feelings.  Ideally, men should not act like women, who emphasize the emotional content of communication.  However, men should be encouraged to seek help from other men who may understand their hurt and help them bear the burden.

The Talmud is exploring the reasons behind the rule that a woman must wait three months after a marriage ends before marrying a different man.  Our sages explain that maybe she is pregnant and we need to know who the father is, especially in a potential case of Yibum.

The Gemara asks why we require a couple to wait, when we could allow a marriage and then examine the woman to determine if she was pregnant.  This discussion was before over the counter pregnancy tests, so the tests were not foolproof.  Our sages were concerned that she may hide the fact that she is pregnant, to win affection from her new husband, or to allow her new child to inherit from her second husband rather than the first.

Our sages were aware that women are sensitive to how other people view her pregnancy.  Women are aware, perhaps sometimes subconsciously, that their greatest power is to create and nurture new life.  A woman may seek to become pregnant to win the commitment of a man she desires to lock down.  Or she may hide an existing pregnancy to make it appear that she is fully available to a certain man.

The Gemara asks about a woman we already know is pregnant from her first husband, why she also cannot remarry immediately.  Our sages explains that since she is pregnant now, she will soon be nursing.  Her new husband will also seek to have children with her, and she will likely get pregnant while nursing.  Pregnancy reduces the supply of milk, especially two millennia ago when people typically had less food available.

While a nursing woman could supplement her diet and eventually that of her infant, the new husband will be reluctant to spend more to supplement the food of the other man’s baby.  She would need to sue the inheritors of her first husband’s estate to get extra resources to provide for baby.  This would be difficult and embarrassing.

This is an interesting insight.  A man may naturally feel reluctant to spend extra from his own resources to feed the children of other men.  This is understandable, the situation could be considered as retroactive cuckoldry.

It is worth noting that in modern times, mainstream society seeks to promote men “stepping up” to assume the burden of caring for the children of other men who are out of the picture.  This cost is on top of the taxation which funds the plethora of social programs providing for others and whatever charity he gives.

A man who may enter such a situation should consider his options and motivations carefully.  The Bible indeed commands us to protect and help orphans and widows (Exodus 22:21, Deuteronomy 16:14).  This does not require marrying a widow and adopting the orphan.  Deliberation is surely needed when the woman is not a widow, but chose to end her relationship with the father of her children and leave her offspring without a father figure.

A man who has a specific mission, who is investing his assets towards his chosen goal, may be rightfully reluctant to sacrifice his own time, money, and energy to protect other people from the consequences of their life decisions.

The Talmud cites the rule that we cannot allow Yibum or Halitzah until three months after the death of the brother.  The reason is that we must know if the widow is pregnant.  If she is, then the deceased may have an heir and there is no Mitzvah of Yibum.  Instead it would be a sin for a man to sleep with the widow of his brother.

Our sages explain that the same rule applies to all women coming out of a marriage, they must wait until we know whether or not she is pregnant before marrying someone else.  Rabbi Yehudah rules leniently that a woman who was fully married before can accept Kiddushin (the first state of marriage, akin to engagement) from another man, while a woman who merely engaged can get fully married.  The reasoning is that after Kiddushin, although the couple is legally married, they do not live in the same house or sleep together.  Therefore, if a marriage ended in this phase, she was not pregnant.

However, Rabbi Yehudah qualifies his teaching that this does not apply in the geographic area of Judah, the tribal land of the tribe of Judah, in central Israel, south of Jerusalem.  This was because in Judah, the parents sometimes allowed an engaged couple to spend time alone together.  This was done so they would become comfortable with one another and not feel awkward when it came time to consummate their marriage.

However, if this happened there was the chance that they became too familiar and the bride to be became a mom to be.  Therefore, there was a possibility that a woman from Judah who was merely engaged.

Of historical note, in 16th-18th century England, Ireland, and some American colonies, there was a related custom of bundling.  This refers to allowing a man or woman to sleep in the same bed after tying or sewing on or both of them into a sack to prevent copulation.  Sometimes a board was added in the bed to separate them.

Bundling allowed a young couple who were courting to spend time together with less risk of pregnancy, though apparently that was a risk.  It was also used when guests slept over but there were no extra beds.

We see from here that there is a value in promoting comfort and familiarity between a man and woman before they begin their marriage and intimate relationship.  However, this custom was only practiced in Judah, not among the other tribes of Israel, who may have considered it too risky.

Of course, a man cannot only build comfort.  After all, women feel comfortable among their friends and family, while attraction often comes from a sense of mystery, urgency, or the thrill of danger.  In a relationship, this form of attraction needs to be consciously balanced with reassuring comfort.

The Daf brings a Mishnah that explains the ramification of Yibum on inheritance.  A brother who performs Halitzah to release his brother’s widow still gets his regular inheritance as one of his brother.  A brother who marries such a widow in Yibum gains the inheritance of his deceased brother.

Our sages ask why the Mishnah had to teach that a brother who does Halitzah gets his fair share, since that should be obvious.  The answer is that his choice of Halitzah over Yibum means the widow cannot do the Mitzvah of generating an heir for her dead husband.  We might have thought that therefore the brother is penalized for refusing Yibum.

A brother who chooses to perform Yibum is awarded the estate of the deceased, though our sages debate if this property first reverts to the father of these brothers before going to the Yavam.  This property will eventually be awarded to his children with the widow, while children he has from other wives will inherit from his own estate.

It is interesting that our ancient sages contrasting the inheritance rules for Yibum and Halitzah together.  This sharpens the point that by not choosing to marry and create children, the brother is causing the world to miss out on something that the deceased would have brought into actuality.

As we discussed on Daf 24, one of the reasons behind Yibum was to provide an heir to the physical property of the deceased.  The children will also be his intellectual and spiritual heirs.  By choosing Yibum, a man can teach them some of the values his brother lived by, continuing his values in the world.  In a sense, he is generating an additional spiritual inheritance for the children.

Every man has a mission on this planet, and if he doesn’t carry it out, he can at least leave children to continue working towards his goal.  A man who chooses not to have children is not fully realizing his potential.  I am not speaking of those for whom it is impossible to have children, but only men who choose not to.  While they still inherit their fair share in this world, eventually when they pass on, their own motives, ideas, and goals will go to others.

This also applies on a merely physical level.  Those who pass away without inheritors will have their property taxed and then distributed to distant family, or confiscated by the government.  The future belongs to those who show up.