Today’s learning starts the important chapter “thee who ate together” which covers the special invitation blessing we make when three or more eat bread together.  Joining together to thank God is a powerful concept that enhances our individual efforts.  However, it does not always work.  If one person is eating non kosher food, or tithes that only they but not the others can eat, the diners cannot join together.  A man cannot join with women, children, or slaves to make the group of three either.

The lesson is that when you form a group to accomplish something important, choose compatible people.  If one person is a natural leader and the others are passive, this may work well for certain tasks that require a strong authority to make decisions and push the others along.  It may fail miserably for jobs that need collaboration and cohesion.  You need to consider your style and personality and how it will mesh (or not) with the other members of your planned group. As always, first you need to know yourself and be honest about your strengths.

If it’s not successful don’t stick it out just because you will let the group down.  In Jewish law if the group is not compatible we do not make the concluding blessing together, but each person blesses for himself.  Beware the sunk costs fallacy.

We continue learning about blessings on food, discussing when bread, usually the central part of the meal, is secondary.  We go on to debate the blessings made for fruits, vegetables, meat eggs and water.

The Talmud brings opinions that meat and eggs, significant nourishing foods, require a blessing after consumption while vegetables and water do not.  We conclude that all of them need the after blessing.  What is interesting is that meat and eggs were thought to be more critical foods.

Our sages give valuable dietary advice: any food the size of an egg, the egg is more nutritious.  The exception is meat, which is even better compared to a boiled egg.  Back 2000 years ago, typical people could not afford meat on a daily basis.  It seems that their main source of calories was grains and greens.  But they understood the value of eggs and meat as providing critical nutrients.  Essential amino acids in modern parlance.  Our sages also write elsewhere about the importance of consuming fish, wine and meat on the Sabbath, and the great deed of inviting in poor people who could not afford a decent Sabbath meal.

In modern times thank God we have plenty of food, the challenge is to avoid fillers.  Unless you’re bulking bro.  Eggs and meat are still the top.  2000 years back it was all free range and organic.

Our sages also offer the practical advice to not eat raw vegetables that cause bad breath.  Timeless wisdom:  Be attractive; don’t be unattractive.

Finally today’s learning discusses the blessing made after foods like meat, eggs, water,  and vegetables, which emphasizes that every person was created lacking and deficient.  On a simple level, we all need to eat.  For the advanced man, this is a reminder to work on yourself. There is always room for improvement.

A lot going on today.  We learn about getting together to bless (and drink) wine, the way ancients brought in guests for a formal meal, blessings on fragrances and a number of other topics.

Today’s page also has the origin of the phrase Pearls to swine.  Our sages bring a source that God made each person’s profession appealing to them, so that the world will not lack people to do jobs others avoid.  They bring the example of giving a pig a fresh clean palm branch to eat, the pig will roll it in the mud first.  Pearls to swine.

Another gem is the advice that a sage should not talk to women in public, even his wife or family, since not everyone knows who his relatives are. The assumption in that culture was that a man talking to an unrelated woman in public might be setting an illicit rendezvous with her.  One reason for this was that virtuous women were expected to be at home, not out in the streets talking to men.  When they did go out they often were accompanied by family, at least their children.   It was uncommon for a man to be seen conversing with a woman who was by herself.  Another factor is that women and men were expected to dress modestly and avoid attracting sexual attention.
See: https://redpillrabbi.home.blog/2020/01/23/daily-dose-of-wisdom-brakhot-20/

If people want to talk about you they will find something to say.  But we still do what is in our power to avoid suspicion.

While the Talmud is not a history book, it sheds light on how people used to live and behave about 2000 years ago.  It is a gold mine for comparative sociology.  This episode shows the vast difference between our modern society, and ancient values.  Back then, society put a premium on female virtue and loyalty to such an extent that behaviors that we engage in daily might raise suspicions.  Their culture guided men and women to behave in a more modest fashion.  Modern secular culture does the opposite.

I’m not saying we should go back to a two thousand years old social fabric; that is frankly impossible.  Studying the past, cultures that thrived for millennia with patriarchy, shows you how different modern values are from the default situation for almost all of human history.  Today it seems that the attitude is “it was always like this”.  Immodest behavior is taken for granted.  Serious (and honest) students of history and sociology can tell you that the modern situation is vastly different from 99% of human existence.

Another issue we mention today is the grave mistake of embarrassing another in public. Based on the episode of Yehuda and Tamar our sages state that it would be better to throw yourself into a furnace than to do this.

Today many people use public shaming as their main (or only) argument against others. It is also used to punish or prevent freedom of speech, when they disagree with that speech.  You can judge people by how they react to criticism.  If they mount a defense of their values fine, if they attack you instead, then know that their values are corrupt.

We see again that ancient values of respecting the dignity and reputation of others have been flipped upside down in modern secular culture.

Today we learn the laws related to eating deserts after a meal, and drinking wine before, during, and after a meal, and eating .  This was the custom in ancient times; those were good times (another benefit was avoiding contaminated water).  We learn that if wine (or more wine) was brought in after the meal itself, one man makes the blessing on behalf of others.

Our sages teach that reclining together to eat joins the diners and one can bless on behalf of others.  Their custom was to recline on couches for formal meals (ancient Romans did this too).  Tosafot (medieval commentaries on the Talmud) explain that for modern men sitting together formally is enough to join us since we don’t recline.

The wisdom here is that eating and drinking together join us in unity.  This should be obvious, but many pieces of obvious wisdom are lost in our current generation.  The classic “dinner and a movie” date is classic for a reason.  Sharing your food, your sustenance, brings you closer to others.  This is a double edged sword.  We mentioned that our Matriarch Sarah did not eat together with strangers.  Eating together brings a certain closeness that is not always appropriate.

For modern men, if you take a woman to eat, this is a more serious matter than activities without eating.  Be aware of what you are doing when you spend time with women.  If you are trying build a long term commitment, then by all means share a meal.  If not, be conscious of the power that sharing a meal together has on humans.  Another useful aspect is that cooking is a lost art in this generation, so if you can cook a sumptuous meal, that is as asset.  In this age of fast food, being able to show your culinary skill is special.  For some men you find it useful to take a date shopping for ingredients, then to your kitchen to cook, then enjoy the fresh meal together.

In today’s page of learning we discuss what order to make blessings in when you have multiple types of food.  In general, a more specific blessing should be said first.  However, there are times when the various foods require the same blessing, and none of them are from the special seven species that the land of Israel is known for*.  In this event, you make the blessing on the food you like the most.  One may have assumed you need to bless the food that is the most expensive or important, or that the most people enjoy.  No, it’s up to you.

The wisdom here is that you should pick your own priorities in life.  Don’t live by someone else’s chosen values.  If you decide for yourself to go along with a defined set of values, such as a religion, then fine, but you need to be the one choosing for yourself and for your own benefit.  This requires analysis, thought, and careful consideration on your part.  Pick your mission.

As I recently wrote, if you do not choose your values then society at large makes your important life decisions for you. See also Daily dose of wisdom, Brakhot 40. help yourself first
When you don’t actively decide, other people will impose their priorities on you.  And no one else has your best interest at heart.

*our sages use the verse Deut 8:8 “land of wheat and barley, grape vines and fig trees, pomegranates, land of olive oil and date honey” to learn which of these seven special species take precedence for blessings.  The rule is whichever is closet to the word land, that is wheat and olive, is first choice, then by order of the verse.  The drasha here is that when a Jew is near the Holy Land, he becomes more special.  After all, the ultimate mission of the children of Israel is on the land of Israel.  Attaching ourselves to the land is part of our mission and gives us importance.

In last week’s Torah reading the ancient Jews escaped Egypt, walked through the miraculously parted sea, and journeyed into freedom.  This week in the Bible we start in Exodus 18, describing first the reuniting of Moses and his father in law Yitro, then the episode of the giving of the Ten Commandments, the eternal fateful encounter between man and God.

There is a crucial common element in both events that is easily overlooked.  When Yitro comes out to the desert to meet Moses, he brings with him Moses’ wife Tziporah and his sons.  When we last saw Tziporah she was with Moses on the way down the Egypt to free the Jewish people from slavery (Exodus 4:20), and she took the initiative to circumcise her son when Moses himself was in danger of divine punishment for delaying the circumcision (4:25).  How did she end up with her father back in Midian instead of leaving Egypt with her husband?

When Aaron met up with his brother Moses (Exodus 4:27), he asked why Moses was bringing his family into Egypt, aren’t there already enough Jews being subjugated there?  Why bring more into slavery?  So Moses sent his family back to Yitro in Midian.  Not only was Aaron’s argument valid, but there was another reason this was appropriate.

If Moses was involved with his wife and family, he could not devote his entire energy to the mission God had given him to free the Jews.  Zipporah had just proven herself to be resourceful and courageous, no doubt she was capable of assisting Moses.  However, Moses needed all of his focus for the Divine mission, so it would have been unfair to bring her.  Unfair to her as Moses would not be able to pay attention to her as much as she deserved*.  Unfair to the Jews who needed Moses’ devoted leadership to face Pharaoh.  And unfair to God who sent Moses on a Divine mission to change human history.

*Jewish law states that a husband must devote a minimum amount of marital attention to his wife, with the minimal level of intimacy depending on the demands of his profession.  Our sages explain this is a Biblical obligation and cannot be waived (Talmud, Ketuvot 47b).  Obviously a woman needs her husband’s time and attention above the minimum level, the Bible is teaching that physical intimacy is a requirement of marriage.

Gentlemen, I have the blessing and burden of living in two worlds.  I learn, pray, and celebrate among conventional, traditional Jews, but I work, commute, shop among the greater mainstream society.  There is a massive problem in mainstream secular culture, though it hard to recognize from the inside.  Our modern consumer culture uses sex to sell practically everything.

Sex appeal is used to manipulate behavior and increase consumption.  So much so that it seems that modern men and women are reduced to a level almost akin to animals, following their reproductive urges.  Advertising uses pretty women to lure men to buy a product or service thought to make them more desirable to pretty women.

The cosmetic, fashion and related industries sell their wares to women with the unspoken promise that they will be able to attract the man they want if they buy these products.  Human sexual urges are commoditized.  We have discussed how modern secular society is simultaneously lewd and prude.

It’s been like this for generations, and the media has become more savvy at manipulation and is using more and more sexually explicit content to promote sales.  I remember when a woman with a tattoo was considered scandalous.  One tattoo.

Even among the new area of the internet where ‘red pill’ aware men try to help other men improve their lives, many of the messages boil down to this: follow my plan and become successful with women.  It’s the same basic manipulation the mainstream advertisers use.  Buy this product to get the woman you want, the life you want.  Men and women are constantly bombarded with the message that they need to invest their time, money and energy to increase their value to the other gender.

Friends, the Bible has a different take.

When you are engaged in your mission, your area of live that you are choosing to dedicate your energy to, you do it for the mission.  Not for the girl, not for the guy.  Not to make yourself into a greater man to get a better woman.  It’s the Mission that matters.  This is why God, with infinite wisdom, chose Moses, who is described as the most humble man, for the most important mission.  Moses could succeed because would not let his success go to his head.

In modern, secular, consumer culture, society is set up to increase the amount of money, time, and effort we devote to trying to attract the other sex.  It works, sex sells.  We buy products and services to attract potential mates.

Obviously we need to reproduce, or the human race would not continue.  There is a certain level of investment and maintenance needed in this area.  But all too often for men in mainstream society this comes at the cost of undermining your core mission in life.  Many modern men have no core mission of their own; they never even realized they could have such a thing.  As my own rabbi taught us, modern men are trapped in a cycle: eating in order to live, living in order to work, and working in order to eat.

The main investment you need to make in your life is to decide “What am I living for?” 
If you do not take the time and decide, then your society will decide for you.  Through so called education, the millions of ads, nudges, and the cultural assumptions placed on you, other people with their own agenda will decide what you live for.  You will forever live inside the frame chosen for you, the message sent to the lowest common denominator.

You are responsible to stop and ask “What am I living for?” and evaluate on a daily basis.  What you pick is for you, for your benefit.  Not to be popular, not to attract women.  The man in the gym working out to look good for girls is working for girls.  If you decide to hit the gym, great, that’s a very positive step.  But let it be for yourself, for your own health and strength.  Start working for yourself for a change.

When the Jewish nation camps at the foot of Mount Sinai, the Torah states they camped in the wilderness, camp there opposite the mountain (Ex 19:2).  The problem is, the verb camp וַיִּֽחַן is singular, not plural.  Nothing in the Bible is accidental, there are no typos.  This irregularity teaches us that the Jews were truly united as one in their purpose of receiving the Torah.

Immediately after (19:3) God calls Moses, instructing: “Thus shall you say to the house of Jacob and declare to the sons of Israel…”  Friends, God doesn’t waste a word.  This means there is a “house of Jacob” and a “sons of Israel”, two separate factions within the Jewish people.  How can this be?

God was instructing Moses that the women, the “house of Jacob*” and the men, the “sons of Israel”, need to be addressed differently.  Our ancient sages explain that God instructed Moses to “say” the Torah to the women in soft language and “declare” the Law to the men in direct and harsh terms.
* In ancient times the woman was called house, since she guides and sustains the home. Our girls’ schools are still called Bais Yakov “house of Jacob”.

But why this distinction if the Bible just told us all the people were united like one?

The Jewish men and women were indeed united.  But God makes it clear that we need to teach the women in a different manner than we teach the men.  The goal is the same: conveying the Eternal Torah to the Jewish people, who will use it to enlighten the entire world and reshape human history.  The mission is one mission.

But God says men and women have different contributions to make to that mission.  They even need to learn about their part of the mission in differing ways.  [Nowadays sometimes Jewish girls get a broader education while boys tend to be taught less subjects but in greater depth].

Last time I wrote about how conventional Jews still (mostly) attend single gender schools, and the direct benefits this has on our boys and girls.  However, this concept applies to adults as well.  Men and women do learn differently, scientists have identified that our brains are not identical.  We feel differently, converse differently.  Be aware of this reality, despite the new popular push to erase the natural biological distinctions between the genders.

Further reinforcing this idea, God commands Moses to have the men and women separate for three days prior to the revelation in preparation for receiving the Law (19:11-15).  As in, they could not have intimate relations (this would cause ritual impurity).

The deeper message is that both men and women needed to focus on preparing themselves to accept and carry out Divine will.  Engaging in intimacy would detract from the seriousness of receiving the Law.  Men and women using their energy to be attractive and arousing to one another would take away from their task to ready themselves spiritually for a profound Divine revelation.

As we said above: When you are engaged in your mission, do what you do for the mission.
At this fateful juncture in the relationship between God and humanity, God instructed us to take a short break from intimacy in order to focus our energies on the greatness of this event and the importance of our new mission.

We had a similar example last time:  After the miracle of the splitting of the sea, the Jews celebrate the Divine intervention with song and dance.  The men and women celebrate separately, with Miriam, Moses’ sister, leading the women in dance and song (15:20).  This was after a moment of profound Divine revelation.  The three day preparation at Mount Sinai likewise required separation.

Today, conventional Jews attend prayers with separate seating.  Jewish law requires men and women to pray separately for the very reason we are discussing.  Talking to God is a vital spiritual act that sustains our lives.  It’s not time for boys to look at girls and vice versa [often though the divider between the men’s section and women’s allows the women to see the men more clearly.   Some sources say women are less distractible by seeing the other gender than men, but that’s another issue…]

Gentlemen, modern consumer society wants your life focus to be on getting girls, because this helps to sell you things.  According to their agenda, you need a good education, a solid job, a nice car, and a big house to get the woman you deserve.
Naturally, women also want you to focus on getting women, it makes their job easier when you do the work in the relationship, when you are needy, thirsty and pursuing.

Again, there is a necessary level of energy that you need to invest in being attractive.  You were built with a biological imperative to try to obtain female attention and reproduce, God did that quite on purpose.  In conventional Judaism, our greatest patriarchs and leaders were not celibate, but were family men.  I wrote about the power and danger of intimacy

The lesson for modern men is that your intimacy is a powerful and important part of your life and something to take seriously…

Using your body to connect with a woman is a profound and serious task.  God made us with the ability to bring amazing pleasure to one another and wants us to use this power with wisdom and discrimination.

There is a proper place for intimacy in your life, it is a basic human need.  But it is not your main need in life.  Your main need is to decide “What am I living for?” and work to pursue that mission for yourself.  Or you will stay enslaved to the tasks other people choose for you to keep you running on their hamster wheel.

As a practical plan, when you are preparing for something important, you can try taking a break from what you are doing in the realm of intimacy.  Try to use that energy elsewhere, for your own goals.  Determine what you want from life and take decisive action.

To sharpen this approach, make an accounting.  Add up the time, money, and effort you are spending trying to look good and impress women.  For many men in modern secular society, this it could come to a small fortune.  Think about how much of your own mission, your own chosen goals, you could accomplish instead.  Decide for yourself what role pursuing intimacy should play in your life.

Muhammad Ali was known to abstain from women for weeks before important boxing matches.  The scientific evidence does not clearly show this improves athletic performance, but some men still do this.  This is also an exercise in self control and dedication to your chosen mission.

Another side effect is that taking a step back from intimacy for a short times makes it more apparent how much of western society is based on using sex to sell things, and how this corrupts and exploits the gift of intimacy that God gave us.

Interesting tidbit in today’s learning.

Our ancient sage Bar Kappara invited two of his students to a meal, and invited one to recite the blessing over the food.  This is the origin of the custom of one person “saying grace”.  The student hurriedly blesses the chicken, not the vegetables, even though typically vegetables should be blessed first.  The student assumed that since the vegetables were cooked they lost their unique blessing and needed the same blessing as the chicken.

Bar Kappara scolds him:  If I lack wisdom, do I lack age?
Meaning, if you think you are wiser than me and don’t need to consult me about the laws of blessing, fine.  But I am obviously older than you and you should have asked me what to do.

Bar Kappara is teaching us that age and wisdom are two separate concepts.  You may be much younger than another man, but have acquired certain life experience and wisdom that he lacks.  An older man with less education may still have a deeper understanding and perspective than you, since he has had to the time to contemplate the issue.  Of course there will be considerable variation.
In modern society there is a tendency towards “credentialism”, assuming that since a person has a college degree or credential from a certain institution that they should get our deference.  It is taken for given that certain degrees confer deeper intelligence and wisdom on those holding them.  This is not always the case.

There are many without the socially accepted credentials that have wisdom and worthwhile knowledge that can help you.  Many people go through college and obtain a piece of paper and debt but little of practical value.

Bar Kappara adds another element that even if a younger man is more educated or wiser, there is an element of deference that should be according to older men.  Simply being around longer and having more life experience gives them a perspective that the youth lack.  This is an unpopular idea in modern mainstream society, but is still a feature of conventional Jewish culture.  Amazingly, the public buses in Israel still have a sign meaning “give your seat to elderly”, which cites part of the verse in Leviticus 19:32, “Before an elder you should rise, and you shall honor the face of an old man…”

Yesterday had an amazing episode when Rabbi Akiva publicly went against the opinion of the great Raban Gamliel in favor of the other sages.

Today we see a similar event.  The sages debate, based on verses in the Bible, if the proper blessing on bread is “the One who brought forth, “Motzi” or who brought or brings forth, “HaMotzi”.  Since the verses containing the phrase “HaMotzi” use it in both past and future tense, the sages were arguing if that was a valid phrase in the blessing.  Blessings acknowledge God for what He has already done, not merely for future promises.

The students praised to Rabbi Zera the son of Rav Zvid as being an expert in blessings.  So Rabbi Zera decided to test him by giving him a loaf of bread.  The son of Rav Zvid played it safe and said “Motzi” in the blessing.  The Talmud explains that he did this to remove himself from the ongoing argument.  Rabbi Zera was annoyed that the so called expert did not teach him anything he didn’t already know.

We learn from here that being a true expert means resolving doubts about your subject of interest.  When there is an argument or unresolved issue, you clarify it, you hash it out with other people who are working on your topic.  We see this in the highest levels of academia (in the hard sciences anyway), where there is room for doubt in tiny details of a biological or chemical process, then professors will spend years of research trying to find out exactly how it works.  They will get into it and fight one another over little things.  That shows they are mastering the subject.

Your lesson is: get clarity on whatever you are learning, whatever topics you are into, get into the details of how and why it works.  Make yourself an expert.

Another item today: we find out about Rabbi Chiya son of Abba, who is praised is learning precisely the language his teacher used, and reviewing his learning with his teacher every 30 days.  Tosafot explains this meant whatever he had learned in the past 30 days he reviewed.

Friends, you can learn incredible wisdom that will change your life.  And you can lose it overnight because you are not reviewing!
Don’t stumble through life saying “Once I had some wisdom that would really have helped me out, what was it again?”  Review it and internalize it.  This can be as simple as rereading a book that made you change how you look at the world.  Reviewing with the teacher is even better.

Amazing item in today’s learning.

The ancient sages (about 1900 years ago) were in Jericho, which was famous for good dates.  The fruits, not the girls.

The chief rabbi, Raban Gamliel, asks Rabbi Akiva to say the blessing after the dates on behalf of everyone.  However, there was a disagreement in Jewish law between Raban Gamliel and the other sages on which blessing is proper after dates.  Rabbi Akiva steps up and recites the blessing according to the opinion of the other sages.  Afterwards, Raban Gamliel takes him to task.  Rabbi Akiva responds: You taught us, our master, when there is a disagreement in law, the law follows the majority*.

A little background: before the Halacha (Jewish law) was codified, there was much more reliance on local custom and the local authority.  Today no conventional Jew would eat cheese on chicken, since our sages were concerned that people would come to eat dairy products on actual meat, which is forbidden by the Bible.  However, 2000 years ago they did just that in the Galil, where Rabbi Yosi haGalili was the legal authority and allowed it.

Rabbi Akiva teaches us an amazing lesson:  Sometimes you do need to step on someone else’s toes to make a valid point.  Even when this man is a leader and deserves respect.  We see that Rabbi Akiva, himself a sage on the highest level, has profound awe Raban Gamliel and calls him our master.  But he is not hesitant to make a public statement that the ruling should go against his teacher, based on the prevailing legal arguments and methods for resolving normative Jewish law.

While a critical rule of power is to not overshadow your superiors, in this instance Rabbi Akiva has the other sages at his back and Raban Gamliel was the holdout.  In addition, in a Torah argument, we do not say might makes right.  The greatest, oldest, most experienced sage can be challenged by a neophyte.  His greatness is measured by his logical and intellectual abilities, not by his reputation or personal power.  The goal in a Torah argument is to come to the truth, not to find out who is the most powerful man.

While we need to be acutely aware of power hierarchies, we also need the wisdom to know when and how to challenge the assumptions of our superiors for the general good.

*Ayen heitev Bava Meztia 59b.  nireh li Sod zeh BS”D:  Because Raban Gamliel bucked the majority here, he was later punished through the episode of the Tanur shel Achnai.  When Rabbi Eliezer was isolated for insisting on his own opinion instead of the majority, Raban Gamliel was almost sunk, but prayed גלוי וידוע לפניך שלא לכבודי עשיתי ולא לכבוד בית אבא עשיתי אלא לכבודך שלא ירבו מחלוקות בישראל
However, by the episode in Yeriho Raban Gamliel was seemingly following his own opinion in the face of the majority, and if not for Rabbi Akiva then ירבו מחלוקות בישראל.  This is why even though his prayer was accepted he was later punished through the pain of Rabbi Eliezer!  Yesh Din vYesh Dayan!