Today is Rosh Hashanah, so I had to add this post after the holiday. Happy New Year.
The Mishnah discusses a case where a man was forcibly removed from his “techum”, his area of dwelling on Shabbat. The Talmud lists forces that drive a man to violate his own will, and brings another classic list of adversities:
Three classes of people do not see the face of Gehinnom (hell), because their suffering in this world atones for their sins, and they are: Those suffering the deprivations of extreme poverty, those afflicted with intestinal disease, and those oppressed by creditors or the government.
And some say: Even one who has an evil wife.
The Gemara asks: And why don’t the other Sages include one with an evil wife among those who will not be punished in Gehinnom? They maintain that it is a mitzvah (commandment) to divorce an evil wife.And why do the other Sages include an evil wife? The Gemara answers: Sometimes payment of her marriage contract is very large, and consequently he cannot divorce her since he cannot afford to pay it. Alternatively, he has children from her, and he cannot raise them himself, and therefore he cannot divorce her.
When we study the volume of the Talmud about divorce we will, God willing, glean a lot of practical wisdom. Here we see one crucial element: even though conventional Judaism places a very high value on marriage, sometimes a man has to end it. Divorce may even be, in some cases, fulfilling a positive Divine commandment.
However, a man who is by his circumstances trapped in a difficult marriage does have hope. The Gemara advises these men who “do not see hell” since they have already had hell on earth to accept and come to terms with their situation. This sounds bizarre, but is actually practical advice.
First this husband must accept that the situation is bad enough that if he could he would divorce her. He cannot lie to himself that she is just in a bad mood, he has to face the reality of his current problem. Then, since he cannot be rid of her entirely, he must do what he can. In his mind he can begin to separate himself from the trouble she gives him.
He needs to start weaning himself off of relying on her emotionally, financially, and physically. He can start working on his economic situation, with the goal to eventually be able to buy her out. He improves his parenting or child care situation to get to the point where he doesn’t need her there to raise the small children (Jewish law presumes custody should go to the father).
Most of all, he can work on growing his emotional independence so her nagging and evil doesn’t bother him so much. When he has other sources of self esteem and companionship in his life, her antics are less damaging to him. By treating her in some respects as if they were already divorced, the man reduces the hellish suffering from the evil wife. She may, if she is not truly crazy, realize his change in attitude and decide to come around, saving the marriage.
Red Pill Rabbi 