When one makes a vow there is a scriptural requirement to not delay fulfilling the vow (Numbers 30:3). The Talmud will later explain the parameters of this law.

Today our sages question if this law applies to a Nazir. A Nazir is a specific vow that requires avoiding alcohol and grape products, ritual impurities, and prohibits haircuts.  Samson was the most famous Nazir in scripture, his immense strength was dependent on his growth of hair, the sign he was fulfilling his vow.  When Delilah learned his secret and cut his hair, he lost his blessing.

We will learn all the details of the Nazir in the next volume of Shas.  By default, a vow of Nazirut begins immediately. What happens if a person states “I will not leave this world before becoming a Nazir”. 

Our sages explain that we are concerned that this person may die before beginning his Nazirut, so we make him begin immediately.

This is a profound lesson. When you want to do something before you die, do it now. We often have plans, lists, and dreams, but never start working on them. The best time to start is now.

Thinking about your impending demise can be scary, but it can motivate you to get up and get going on your mission.

Today we begin learning Nedarim, meaning vows. The Bible has detailed laws about making oaths and vows. There is a distinction in that a vow is effective upon an object while a oath falls upon the person.

This is because words have power. Someone vowing to donate specific property to the Temple is not merely promising, but can actually make the item belong to the Temple.

We learn Nedarim just after Ketuvot, near the beginning of our study of women. This reminds us that women are particularly sensitive to words. A wrong word from a man can wreck or make a relationship.

The first Mishnah teaches that using terms that are slang for the same thing accomplish the same result. Using a common nickname or synonym is the same as employing the original word.

The words you use shape your personal reality. Be aware of how you speak to and about others, it changes the way you perceive them. This also applies to yourself. Use positive language and avoid debasing yourself.

Oh the final Daf of Ketuvot, our sages praise the land of Israel. Rabbi Zera wanted to enter Israel but the bridge was out. While they were repairing it, the only way to cross was a narrow plank with a rope overhead. Instead of waiting for a boat, Rabbi Zera took this route despite the danger.

A Sadducee (Tzadukim were a group of Jews who challenged the ancient rabbis) criticized him for not waiting a little longer to cross the river on a ferry. Rabbi Zera said to him: Israel is a place where Moses and Aaron did not merit entering; who is to say that I will merit seeing this land?

This is a deep answer. Obviously Moses and Aaron were the ultimate Jewish leaders. Rabbi Zera knew he was nowhere near their greatness (though Rabbi Zera himself was certainly an amazing leader, see Daf 103).

However, Rabbi Zera knew he had the chance to actually enter Israel to learn, teach, and perform the commandments. This was something Moses and Aaron never could do.

Most likely, you will never be as great as your heroes or role models. That’s fine. You don’t need to be in order to make a difference. You have something they don’t: you are here right now. Our sages teach that every soul is born into a specific time and place to accomplish something unique.

You are exactly where and when you need to be to make a difference.

Mazal Tov on completing Ketuvot.

Our sages explained the verse “Let abundant grain be in the land upon the top of the mountains” (Psalms 72:16).

In the future (the messianic era), wheat will rise up, and grow tall like a palm tree, to the top of the mountains. And lest you say that if wheat will grow this tall the reaper will suffer discomfort, the same verse states: “May his fruit rustle like Lebanon.” The Holy One, Blessed be He, will bring a wind from His treasury and blow across, and this will thereby induce the flour to fall from the stalks of wheat. A man will go out to the field and bring back a palm-full of flour, from which he will provide his livelihood and the livelihood of the members of his household.

There are a few valuable lessons here (besides the ample explanations of earlier rabbis).

Even when there is a huge amount of food available from the massive wheat plants, the man is and the members of his household will be satisfied with a handful

Over eating is a common hazard in today’s wealthy society where food is plentiful. It is interesting that some foods are engineering to be less satisfying, so we eat more of them (the book Salt Sugar Fat explains this). Today often people eat large amounts of food that has little actual nutrition, instead of eating small amounts of nutrient dense foods.

A wise man eats mindfully, and carefully, to get the nutrition he needs without eating in excess.

Another critical observation is that the expectation is the man of the house will  go out to the field and bring the flour home to his family. Now if the wheat plans are dropping ready made flour instead of wheat kernels that need to be threshed, sifted, and ground, then why can’t women and children go out and get their own food?

They certainly could. But our sages understood that when the man of the house is seen as the provider, this fosters a strong, healthy family. Therefore, they explained the verse to fit with the reality of human nature. Men are the default providers and supporters for the rest of the family. As a result, the other members of the family respect and appreciate his contribution. This situation worked well for every human society for practically all of human history.

Only in very recent times in western societies have women been encouraged to become fully independent earn their own keep. This is not always in their best interest, as surveys show decreasing happiness among American women since 1950. The increased employment adds tremendously to corporate profits and income tax collections, which incentivizes businesses and government to encourage women to work. This trend is complex and deserves much more analysis.

One of the results of this is that the man’s contribution to supporting his family is considered less valuable and he is less respected in the home. Also, since women seek to marry men who earn more than they do, it becomes much more difficult for a woman making decent money to find a mate she considers suitable.

It is important to note that our sages understood the messianic era will not bring profound changes in normal human nature. We won’t become angels or transcend humanity. People will still be people, but every individual will be empowered and provided for, fostering peace and prosperity.

The Mishnah states:

Israel is divided into three separate regions with regard to marriage: Judea, Transjordan, and the Galilee… If a man marries a woman in one of these lands he may not  compel her to move to a different land. However, in the same land one may remove her from one town to another town or from one city to another city.

The Gemara explains that even moving to a better location or bigger house causes difficulties. People don’t like change, even when objectively their situation is improving.

Don’t start a relationship planning or hoping that your partner will change, or thinking they will be able to relocate to your preferred location.

However, a certain change overrides personal preferences and feelings:

Anyone may force their family to ascend to Eretz Yisrael, but one may not coerce one’s family to leave. Likewise, all may force their family to ascend to Jerusalem, but no one may remove them from Jerusalem. Both men and women may force the other spouse to immigrate to Israel or to move to Jerusalem.

For the Jewish people, building the land of Israel is a greater good. Even if the family must sell a large comfortable home and live in a small place in Israel, either spouse can force the family to move. If the other refuses to move, they must divorce and she is paid her Ketuvah. This is a sad situation, but the Bible reminds us that settling the holy land and building a holy civilization there is a larger mission than any single relationship.

Some people feel that their relationships are the most important thing in their lives. This attitude can actually lead to those relationships breaking down. When a man is not working on his own higher purpose, he will sacrifice anything to keep his relationships.

Men who are not striving towards a larger goal can remain in relationships that undermine their self worth. They feel it is better to keep the relationship stable than to work on themselves. In the end, this is a trap. Eventually, he gives up his own goals, dreams, and desires to keep other people happy. The man himself becomes miserable, and the other people become unhappy with him as well.

It can be wiser to focus on your own mission instead. People who are open to your goals will find you. Relationships that undermine your cause will become problematic, and you can cut those people off while investing your energy in the people who support you and help you accomplish more in life.

Keep your thoughts on the ultimate goal and even difficult changes won’t seem so bothersome when they are necessary for your mission.

Our sages discuss a case in which a bride promised a sum of money to her groom, but was then unable to find the funds to give him. This took place after Kiddushin (the first stage of Jewish marriage), so they are already married but not yet living together.

Most of the sages said: Let her wait until her hair turns white, if she cannot fulfill her promise. Admon says that she can claim: I thought that my father would give the money for me, and now that my father is not giving the money for me, what can I do? Either marry me or release me! Rabban Gamliel agrees with Admon.

Her expectation was that her father would provide the money she promised to her groom. She would not have made the stipulation if she didn’t feel that the father would be willing.

A daughter may very well have assumed her father would be on the hook for her promises, since he was probably happy to pay for all her needs so far in her life. However, since she is about to leave his home and begin life with her husband, he may now be reluctant.

The Rambam rules that when the woman herself committed the money but cannot pay, she must bring the money or wait. The groom can choose to divorce her instead of waiting. We don’t expect her father to be on the hook unless he actually agreed.

From ancient times up until just about a century ago, practically all women were mostly financially dependent on their fathers, then on their husbands. However, the Gemara reminds us that even when women are not earning or officially controlling finances, they do expert major influence over the family budget.

In America men still earn the majority of income (men also work more hours each week and more years of their lives). However, women actually control 85% of consumer spending, per Forbes in 2019.

This reminds us that is it important for the man of the house to be clear with his wife children regarding what he is willing to pay for. This can help avoid conflicts over money.

The Gemara teaches about assessing the value of estates. As we have learned, if the widow sells property of her deceased husband for the wrong price, the sale is invalid and the land and money is returned.

Our sages discuss land sold by a court in behalf of an estate or orphans. If any little mistake would be invalidated, this would undermine public respect for the court. Therefore, only if a court sold with a one sixth price error would the deal be nullified.

That may sound extreme, but the owner of land is allowed to sell for whatever price he sees fit. Therefore a one sixth deviation from market value is still fairly reasonable.

The Gemara also explains that the court must announce their sale for 30 days to drum up interest in the property. This is was a responsible seller would do.

Even when other people already respect your authority, you must act within reason or you lose your authority. Exercise your power with reason and for the clear benefit of others. This attitude will in turn earn you more respect from those who rely on your leadership.

The Talmud turns to a vital subject of splitting up money. The first example is when a man died with more than one wife but not enough money int he estate to cover the Ketuvot of all of them.

The same concept is needed when multiple men invest money in a business or an item. The Gemara brings a surprising teaching that when one man invested 100 and another 200, then they share the profits and losses from the venture equally.

This is because the business would not get off the ground without the buy in of both men. The smaller investment is needed for this partnership to do more than the other man could do by himself.

It is worth noting that if the partners are physically dividing something, such as animal they purchased together, they do take in proportion to their actual investment.

When you are working with others to accomplish more than you could by yourself, be aware that while you may be putting more into this venture, the contribution of the other partners could also be required.

It can be frustrating for a man to know that he is giving more than others. However, the question is not if you are investing more, but if the other partner is allowing you to accomplish something you could not do on your own.

With this standard in mind, when someone is not adding to the bottom line or assisting you in striving for your own personal mission, you need to let them go.

The Talmud examines cases where a woman shows up at court demanding her Ketuvah payment but without the written Ketuvah itself or without her Get (writ of divorce). She has a problem as she is lacking the essential proof that she is owed the money.

However, Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel states that since the “time of danger” we would allow her to collect without the documents. This danger refers to government persecution of the Jews, a recurring situation over many millennia. The government would decree that Jews caught engaging in the Bible’s commands would be tortured or executed. 

This was common during the Roman occupation but was also a feature of Persian regimes and the Greeks (as we mentioned in the first chapter). In response, Jews would write their marriage documents and give writs of divorce but then burn them so they would not be caught by the government with them.

But how is documentation of marriage and divorce religious?

In modern America, marriage is something recognized by the state. People get a marriage license from the government before the wedding. The government gives specific rights and tax benefits (in theory) for married partners.

The present day government regulation of marriage leads people to assume that human society has always been this way. In short, it has not.

For the vast majority of human history, marriage was between a man and woman, often with advice and help from their families. The Rambam writes that in ancient times a man and woman choosing to live together as a couple signified marriage. Very frequently religious institution and clergy were involved. Purely civil marriages did not exist, and governments recognized the authority of religious groups to pronounce couples married and divorced (exception: Henry VIII).

Only much later in history, certain governments had the ability and inclination to exert power over marriages. This was typically under regimes where the government had an official religion and the religion had authority over marriage and divorce.

For non-Jewish authorities, Jews continuing to use their own methods of marriage and divorce could undermine their monopoly on regulating these vital human behaviors. Banning Jews from using their own religious methods was not only persecution but likely also a consolidation of government power.

Keep in mind while we study Ketuvot that a couple can be married under Jewish law but not civil law of their state, or vice versa. A couple married under both frameworks may require both a civil divorce and a Get to end their marriage.

It is important for us to realize that marriage is not necessarily something that must be regulated by governments.

The Talmud brought the tragic story of Rabbi Zachariah ben HaKatzav and his wife, who survived the pagan assault of Jerusalem. Even though Rabbi Zachariah swore that the invaders did not violate his wife, this did not help since there were no other witnesses, and a man is not believed about his own marriage.

As a Cohen (priest), Rabbi Zachariah could no longer be alone with his wife, but he refused to divorce her, and always had their children present so they would not come to intimacy.

Riffing on that, the Gemara notes some laws that apply after a married couple has to separate. They can no longer be intimate, but may be tempted to because of their shared past, so they cannot live in the same courtyard or alley.

Our sages ask who needs to leave, and concludes that the woman should leave unless she owns the property. This is supported by “The Lord will dislocate you the dislocation of a man” (Isaiah 22:17). Rav said: This indicates that the dislocation of a man is more difficult for him than the dislocation of a woman is for her.

Modern research confirms that women are more adaptable to change, tend to have greater social acumen and can make new friends and connections more easily than man.

Men are naturally hierarchical, and often require years in one steady place to prove their worth to other men. It is indeed harder for men to make real friends, but once made, they tend to last a lifetime. By contrast, many women find their friendships to be more transient and dependent on their current social circle.

A man should take into account that when he puts down roots in one place, he should do so with the intent to establish a positive reputation for himself based on his own status and value.