The Talmud begins the second chapter with a Mishnah teaching that a vow stating a permitted item is now like something  intrinsically forbidden by the Bible is not a valid vow. Linking permitted to forbidden only works when the already forbidden item became prohibited through a vow or oath. If something was always off limits, like pigs are for Jews, then a vow that something is like pig is not effective.

Among these items is “orot levuvin” meaning de-hearted hides. These were the skins of animals that were used for idolatry through removing the beating heart from the animal. The skins were recognizable from the cuts made to access the heart. This form of idol worship is featured in the 1984 film Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

It is interesting that the idol of a non-Jew loses its forbidden status if the owner decides that it is no longer his deity. However, objects offered to an idol, like these hides, can never lose their taboo.

We can extrapolate a practical concept from here. A man who was devoting his life to a certain cause or person, and then changed his mind, no longer has the same attachment to that prior focus. He creates a radical change in his psyche and how he views the object.

However, whatever time, money, energy, and resources he already sank into this cause, occupation, or relationship are gone forever. If you (figuratively) gave your heart to someone, you don’t get back your emotional investment when the situation ends. Be careful who and what you invest yourself into.

The Mishnah also brings a surprising teaching:

If a man says to his wife: You are hereby (forbidden) to me like my mother, this does not make a valid vow. This is because his mother was always forbidden to him as the Bible prohibits such incest. However, our sages require the man to go to a sage to annul his vow anyway, so that he will not take actually binding vows lightly.

The Ran explains that men would sometimes make such statements out of anger. Even though this isn’t a binding vow, if there are no consequences, then he will make more such vows when they fight. Eventually he will be truly forbidden from remaining married to his wife (if he will not annul his vow).

It is interesting that women typically hate to be compared to a man’s mother. However, many men marry women who have similarities to their own mothers. One of the worst things to say to a wife is that she reminds you of your mother.

Even when there is tension, be careful how you speak to people and avoid making oaths and ultimatums during an argument.

The Talmud explores a case in which a man had previously vowed to fast of the day his father passed away, which happened to be a Sunday. Years later, on the anniversary of his father’s death, which was another Sunday, he then makes a statement that he is making today like the day his father passed.

There is a debate if this man intends to fast on the anniversary of his father’s death, no matter what the day is, or only when the anniversary falls again on a Sunday, since that was the fateful day on which he passed.

Throughout your life, difficult and sad events will happen. That is a given.

What is not preordained is how you will decide to cope with them.

We see from this Gemara that there is certainly a value in recognizing and memorializing your losses. This teaching is a source for the custom some have to fast on the anniversary of a parent’s death. Others give charity or sponsor a worthy event to commemorate their family.

However, we also see that we should not afflict ourselves regularly in remembrance of tragedies. One day a year can provide a reasonable hiatus to honor your loss. Jewish law has detailed regulations for mourning that encourage us to feel and express our emotions, and then to gradually resume normal life. See Moed Katan 8

The Talmud discusses hatpasa or linking, meaning that you can take a vow forbidding something to yourself by saying  that it is like a different item which is already forbidden. If you link the new thing to something permitted, then there would be no prohibition.

Our sages ask about a case of a man holding regular meat who says it is like the meat from a peace offering. Originally, the meat from a peace offering is forbidden to eat, but after some blood from the animal is applied to the altar, the meat becomes permitted to eat.

So, if the vower intended to link the regular meat to the original status, it would become forbidden to him. But if he was thinking about the current status, it would not.

There is a deeper lesson here. We all go through changes, often quite significant ones, over our lifetimes. Even our personality is not immune to changing as we learn and adapt. Another person may be thinking of you and still interacting with you as if you were someone you were years ago.

Most people don’t like it when other people change. Not only do we value consistency and constancy, but seeing someone else improve himself can cause uncomfortable pressure to do the same.

Don’t be surprised if people react strangely when you put in the work to optimize your life and strive towards your mission. They may try to treat you just as you were before, or pressure you to revert to your prior aimless existence.

You need to stay aware that you are the one who gets to define who you are and what is important to you. It may take time for your internal view of your status to catch up to the reality you have created through improvement and self-actualization.

Today the Talmud cites an amazing debate:

Rabbi Yehuda said: The early generations of pious men would desire to bring a sin-offering but did not have the opportunity to do so because the Holy One, Blessed be He, did not bring about a stumbling block through them (they did not sin even unwittingly). What would they do? They and volunteer Nazirite status to the Omnipresent in order to be liable to bring a sin-offering.

These men were so pious that they wanted to bring all offerings, so they entered a Nazir state in order to bring the sin offering at the end.

However, Rabbi Shimon teaches they did not volunteer to be a Nazir in order that they not be called sinners. As it is stated by a Nazir: “And he shall make atonement for him, for that he sinned against the soul” (Numbers 6:11).

A Nazir is in a sense a sinner as he deprives himself from wine, which God created for man to enjoy.

On this theme, the Talmud comments: Just as a Nazir, who refrains from wine, is called a sinner, one who causes himself suffering by refraining from everything is all the more considered a sinner. From here we see whoever sits in his fast is called a sinner.

Now, fasting can allow you to focus on your intellectual, spiritual, and emotional wellbeing. But if you are not fasting to get better, but “sitting” in a fast, merely depriving yourself, then you don’t accomplish anything. The same applies to wallowing in your misery and obsessing about your problems.

Beating yourself up doesn’t fix your life. Making specific changes to move forward, even when they are painful, does work. If you are struggling with your problems, stop focusing on the problems, and start thinking about how to move forward despite the problems.

The Talmud rules that someone saying he is vowing “like the vows of the wicked” has made a binding obligation, while one saying “like the vows of the upright” has not. However, “like the gifts of the upright” is binding.

Ran (a medieval rabbi who explains the Talmud) writes that less virtuous men would frequently make vows and promises. They would talk a lot but do little.

The more careful and zealous individuals would refrain from making vows, due to the dangers involved in not keeping vows. They would designate gifts though, saying that a specific animal or item was for the Temple or charity. 

The Gemara compares this Mishnah to competing teachings from Rabbi Meir, who states that it is much better to never make vows, and Rabbi Yehuda, who opines that it is better to make vows and fulfill them.

Again, the whole point of vows and oaths is to put more motivation on you to accomplish your goals. If you are driven enough, you could get it done without a vow.  Rabbi Meir teaches it is better not to vow at all, just fix your internal motivation.

Rabbi Yehudah recognizes that not everyone can be a self starter. Some men are going to need to vow to get the additional impetus or energy. A man may need to diet, but be unable to resist certain foods without vowing that they are forbidden to him.

Today we try to avoid vows, but there is a middle ground. You can make a commitment to study something or exercise with a friend who will take you to task if you don’t show up. Some people hire a personal trainer. When your money is on the line and you have access to individualized coaching, you are much more likely to put in the work.

There is a spectrum between relying solely on your internal compass to get going and needing to take religious oaths to get motivated. Analyze your life and determine which areas need extra support and where you are independent.

Our sages learn from King David’s statement in Psalms 119:106 that someone can make a vow to uphold one of the Bible’s commandments, even though he is already required to do so. You can make a vow (really an oath here, as oaths effect the person) as a method of motivation to provide mental reinforcement to do what must be done.

Rav Giddel said that Rav taught: When one man says to another: Let us rise early and study this chapter, then it is incumbent upon him to rise early and be the first to arrive. As it is stated: “And He said to me: Arise, go forth into the plain, and there I will speak with you. Then I arose and went forth into the plain; and behold, the glory of the Lord stood there” (Ezekiel 3:22–23).

When it is your idea, be the first one to implement it. Don’t just be the innovator, be the executor. Get going and start putting your ideas into action, when others see that they work then they will take your ideas and run with them. Don’t just be the ideas guy with lots of plans that never come to fruition.

The Talmud asks if someone was excommunicated in a dream but released in the dream. Our sages explain that dreams may have some level of prophecy, but every dream has nonsense as well.

A man may have detailed dreams, plans, and aspirations. But you won’t know if they actually work in this world until you start using them. Again, start putting your ideas into practice.

This wisdom helps you evaluate advice you hear. There are a lot of self appointed gurus out there selling their plans to fix your life. But even when another man’s approach improved their own life (which isn’t always true), who says it will apply to your personal circumstances?

The Talmud examines if using slang to state you are forbidden from benefiting from another person is binding. Our sages ask about saying you are excommunicated from another. Does this mean not literal excommunication, but instead a self imposed vow not to get any benefit from the other?

While that isn’t a binding vow, the Talmud notes that the custom was that if someone heard another say God’s name in vain, they would immediately excommunicate that person. If the wrongdoer was remorseful then the excommunication would be revoked.

When you hear or see something inappropriate, say something. Now, what is appropriate depends on your situation and who you are with.

Hearing a 10 year old use a four letter word in public does not typically require action. But what about your 10 year old child?

If something is truly objectionable, and you let it go, you are teaching others and yourself that it is fine. Even if the other party won’t change, you need to remind yourself that this behavior is not okay so you are.nor influenced for the worse.

We are studying when a partial declaration is legally binding. Our sages debate if a partial declaration proposing marriage would work:

If the case is where a man said to a woman: You are hereby betrothed to me, and he said to another woman: “And you too” then isn’t it obvious that this is valid betrothal (for the second too)?

Rather, it is a case where one said to a woman: You are hereby betrothed to me, and then said to another woman: “And you”. Do we say that he said the other woman: And you too are betrothed, so betrothal takes effect with regard to the other woman, or perhaps he meant: And you, see that I am betrothing this woman, (you should consider marriage as well).

First of all, Jewish law allows a man to marry more than one woman.

The wisdom here is that seeing her peer get married influences the mindset of this woman. Naturally, when a woman sees her friend getting married, she feels a desire to marry as well.

Humans are by design social creatures. When we see people around us engaging in a certain activity, we assume that it is normal, acceptable, and popular. We want to take part as well.

This is why it is so important to be conscious regarding who you spend time with. If your friends get real drunk, behave badly, and get tattoos, then no matter how reserved you are, eventually you will do the same.

If you want to succeed in business, spend time with successful people. If you need to get stronger, work out with strong men. Not only can you learn from them, but you will pressure yourself to put in the work be more like them.

We do have free will, but must be aware that our decisions are profoundly influenced by our environment and peers. Be conscious of this reality allows you to work on setting up your social circle to promote your own goals.

Another aspect here is the man in this hypothetical situation seems to be using the fact that one woman just agreed to marry him to encourage a second woman to do so. He is employing social proof.

A man who can display that people already value him, finds it much easier to gain acceptance from other people. When you enter a situation with people who don’t know you yet, think about how to show them that you are a respected and accomplished man.

The Talmud discusses how specific or explicit a vow has to be.  Shmuel understands the first Mishnah to mean that a person needs to say both “I am separated from you” and “from eating your property” to create a real vow against benefiting from the other man’s property.

We could also understand I am separated from you” to mean he doesn’t want to do business with the other, and “I am distanced from you” to mean I will not come close to you.

Making a partial declaration doesn’t work when it is not specific.

When you need to communicate an important point to someone else, think carefully about your words, and how to convey the entirety of your intent. Once you begin, don’t let the other party interrupt until you give over the whole thing.

Often fights erupt because one person did not understand your intentions, but seized on a part of your words instead of thinking about the whole picture. Find a way to get the whole idea across.

The Talmud is comparing a vow of Nazirut to regular vows and oaths. When one makes a vow there is a scriptural requirement to avoid delay in fulfilling the vow (Numbers 30:3).

One of the requirements for a Nazir is to avoid becoming ritually contaminated, such as by being near a corpse. Samson was an exception, since he was a lifelong Nazir from birth he was allowed to fight and kill to defend his people from the philistines.

So what happens if a man vows to become a Nazir while he is inside a cemetery?

Our sages explain that his vow is effective, but he needs to leave the cemetery immediately and before purified so he can begin working on his Nazirut. If he delays, he should be whipped for violating the verse.

We sometimes start a project under circumstances that make it difficult or even impossible to finish. Before getting started it is wise to evaluate what factors may hinder you from reaching your goal, and mitigate those first.

For example, a man may want to start jogging but has poorly fitting shoes or weak ankles. He is going to need to address those issues first, or he won’t make it far.

The Nazir in the cemetery reminds us that sometimes we simply need to move to get started on our mission. Where you need to go depends on what you want to do. A man yearning to become a country musician goes to Nashville.

Ask yourself what you want out of life, then where you need to be to get that.