We are learning about when we can revoke or annul a vow. Yesterday we discussed regret as a reason, today we add unforeseen consequences. If something negative comes about because you made a vow, and if you knew it would happen you would not have vowed, that is a valid reason to annul the vow.

The Talmud brings an interesting application:

The wife of Abaye had a daughter (from a prior marriage). Abaye said: She should get married to my relative. His wife said that she should get married to her relative. He said to his wife: You are forbidden to benefit from me if you marry her to your relative.

She went and married the daughter to her relative. Abaye came to Rav Yosef to find a way to annul the vow. Rav Yosef said to him: If you had known that she would defy your will and marry her to her relative, would you have made the vow? He said: No. And Rav Yosef dissolved the vow for him.

The first takeaway is that while we should try to think about the consequences of our words and actions, unanticipated results do come up despite our planning.

The other interesting sociological observation is that men in the past expected their wives to follow their leadership. A wife rejecting her husband’s wishes was rare and was considered unanticipated. By default, men enjoyed headship of ancient families.

Obviously society is radically different today. However, men should be aware that when a woman loves and respects you, she tends to follow your lead – if you are leading effectively. Many problems in modern relationships are not necessarily from a lack of love, but because the man is not leading in an appropriate manner.

Leadership today is often only possible through example, by working towards your goals, having your own life going smoothly and your own emotions under control.

Making demands, oaths, vows, or ultimatums is not leadership. You need to be aware that other people are entitled to their own opinion and agenda, even your wife. You can work to demonstrate how and why your take is correct, but at the end of the day you can only truly control your own decisions and reactions.

The Talmud turns to the topic of how we can annul a vow or oath. If someone has internal regret that he made a vow, then a sage or panel of three men can annul the vow for him.

Our sages discuss how guilt trips over vows being like sinning are not a valid reason to annul them. The Ran explains that if the sage or panel starts telling the vower how awful and sinful vows are, he will be ashamed and lie that he regrets it, even though he doesn’t truly feel remorse. This is not a valid annulment.

If the sage tells the vower that vowing is generally a bad idea and can be problematic, then if that induces the vower to regret it is valid. If instead he is told he is a sinner and should feel guilty or ashamed, this is not valid.

When the motivation to change is external, it is not considered genuine. Yes, sometimes the impetus for you to change comes from outside forces or ideas. However, the motivation must be your own.

The Talmud turns to a critical discussion of anger, citing King Solomon: “turn out anger from your heart and remove evil from your flesh” (Ecclesiastes 11:10).

The way to avoid anger is to stop getting angry. This is good news, it means your anger is truly under your control.

If you are in the habit of getting upset or reacting with rage, be aware that you are the one who can break your cycle. Practice maintaining calm and control, putting your intellect in charge of your emotions.

You can change yourself if you put in the work.

The Mishnah brings instances of people stating a vow without any intention to vow, but for other purposes. Since their mind is not in alignment with their words, these are not valid statements.

During business deals, the buyer may swears he won’t pay more than two, while the seller can swear he can’t let it go for less than four. Both men would be okay making the deal at three, but they are trying to get a better deal by using exaggerated language. This is posturing for negotiation, not making binding oaths.

The Talmud brings another case of one man urging another to come to his home for a feast. The second swears he won’t even enter the home or drink a drop of water.

As his intent was only to avoid attending the feast, we know he was employing hyperbole. His exaggerated oath is not binding.

We see from here that we need to be aware when people are posturing and exaggerating. Certain people use extreme language when they are angry or feel hurt. They might not really mean what they are saying.

You also need to evaluate how you talk. Sometimes you may feel a need to exaggerate your own ability or status and may get yourself into trouble through pretension. However, sometimes it is appropriate to act the part, speaking in a more refined way can help you to actually become more refined.

However, actions are the main measure of a man. Our sages say that great men say a little and do a lot. Abraham said he would bring a little water for travelers and served them a feast.

Become a man of action, relying on your deeds and not your words to show your values and character.

The Talmud notes that ignorant people would often take vows and oaths, unaware of the strict punishment (Exodus 20:7). Our sages warn us not to spend our time around such people, and on the topic of avoiding potential problems, advise men not to talk too much with women. Excessive talking leads to flirting and comfort, which can allow intimate acts and adultery to take place.

Exactly how much is too much is not defined, and depends heavily on the social context and era you are in. Our sages were very familiar with human nature, which has not changed over the millennia. Naturally we all understand that there are boundaries we do not want to approach.

From here, our sages launch into the topic of sexual etiquette, and bring a teaching that certain acts of intimacy can negatively affect the nature of the children from that couple. The first thing to note is that our sages do discuss sexual topics in our holy books. The Torah is for all areas of life, not just the synagogue. Our sages sought to learn proper behavior in the bedroom.

They asked Imma Shalom, the wife of Rabbi Eliezer ben Hyrcanus, a great sage: For what reason are your children so beautiful? She said: My husband does not converse (a euphemism for intercourse), neither at the beginning of the night nor at the end of the night, but only in the middle of the night.

At the beginning of the night there would be people walking around outside, or the couple is still thinking about what happened during the day. This could distract from the act. At the end of the night people are concerned about what they will have to do that day.

The takeaway here is that the best way to be together is to do so without any distractions. A wise man arranged logistics so he can be truly alone with his wife and foster togetherness.

Our sages explains that the meaning of a vow depends on the local parlance. If someone vowed an item as “terumah” in Judea, the southern area of Israel adjacent to Jerusalem, then we assume that are associating it with terumat haLishcah, the Temple treasury, which is now property of the Temple and forbidden for regular use. However, In Galil, the Northern Galilee region, where most people are not around the Temple, “terumah” is associated with agricultural tithes given to Cohanim (priests). Therefore, the item would be still allowed.

When you are talking to people you need to be aware of how they understand the words you are using. In modern times we can be in contact with people on the other side of the world, who may not have grown up speaking your language. Sometimes we need to simplify or be totally clear in such communications.

On the other hand, when you are familiar with your audience and know that they will get your nuances or innuendos, it can be useful to employ indirect language, colloquialisms, and sarcasm. The main thing is to be attuned to how to communicate your message in the best possible manner.

The Talmud cites a Mishnah that in general we are strict when interpreting a vow but lenient when interpreting a vow to be a Nazir (see Nedarim 3).

The Gemara explains that this refers to doubtful situations. An example is two men walking together who see another man from a distance, and one man says I am a Nazir if he is a certain man, while the other says I am a Nazir if he isn’t that guy. If the pair never catches up to the third man to clarify his identity, then out of doubt neither is a Nazir.

However, by vows of property we would say he is responsible to pay his vow or observe his self-imposed ban out of doubt. The logic is that a person would, out of doubt, sanctify or make forbidden to himself his belongings, but not his own body. We take more risks with what we consider replaceable.

People are usually much more concerned about their wellbeing, feelings, and self worth than with their physical property. Most people take more time with eating, exercising, grooming, and self care than with managing their investments.

However, our sages do note elsewhere that some people are more possessive of their wealth than with their physical wellbeing. Deuteronomy 6:5 mentions serving God with all your resources, which our sages (Brakhot 54) explain to include a man who values his wealth above everything else.

Many people are especially concerned to protect both their own belongings and their bodies (including their feelings) but are careless with those of others. This reality can help you to evaluate how you stand in someone else’s order of priorities.

When you are truly one with another person, for example as a man and wife or best friends should ideally be, then the other party will respect you and your possessions just as they respect their own. When someone feels you are part of them, then it becomes natural to think about you the same way they think about themselves.

When someone looks down on you, they will not give you the same consideration. They will take liberties with your property, say things that may hurt you, and won’t mind wasting your time. Evaluate when other people take risks to see what their priorities are.

The Talmud debates what happens if a man makes a double vow, for instance saying I am a Nazir today then repeating the same statement. Now he must observe two consecutive periods of Nazirut. However, if he has one vow annulled, this does not affect the second. He still must finish his other obligation.

If you are working on more than one project, sometimes you get so busy that some things start slipping away from you. It is better to step back and reevaluate if you can realistically finish everything you are working on than to try and do it all.

You may need to drop some tasks off your plate for now, and that’s okay. Focus on the things that are vital to your own chosen mission and shelve the rest.

The first step is to identify what you are really living for, so you already know what takes precedence.

We have learned in the first Mishnah that partial declarations may have the same effect of full declarations, and slang or synonyms can count as the original word. This is when the intent of the vower is clear.

Today the Talmud asks about cases in which someone could say the same exact words, but depending on context may have different intent. An example is a man who when invited over for a feast, replies “not only will I not join your feast, I  swear I won’t even drink a sip of cold water at your house”. He intends only to prevent himself from feasting, so he can still have water.

Another issue is man who says “of course I’ll eat lunch with you, I’ll even make an oath to eat lunch with you!” He may be serious if we take the words at face value, but he could be totally sarcastic and doesn’t mean to take a real oath.

The context matters in determining what this person intended. Jewish law recognizes sarcasm, exaggerating and metacommunications. This may explain why there are many excellent Jewish comedians.

Naturally, we understand a “That was delicious!” stated while grinning and gently patting your belly means you enjoyed the food.  “That was delicious!” while dumping the rest of the food into the trash and smirking means the opposite.

Ran brings that the Rambam (Maimonides) rules like Abaye in the Talmud, that we must consider the full context of the communication, not merely the words. Other rabbis disagree, but we instinctively understand that communication is not merely words.

When you are talking in person, look for subtle hints and cues about the other person’s intent and attitude towards you. Sometimes the words someone expresses are positive, but their body language betrays that they are leading you on.

One of the pitfalls in modern life is that a lot of our verbal communication is done online, without the benefit of seeing the nonverbal communication and situation of the other party. Use words and phrases that are hard to misconstrue to avoid giving the wrong impression. There may be instances when you want to use vague terms or double entendre, keep your audience in mind when you do so.

The Talmud cites an amazing rule:

If a man says to his wife: Engaging in intercourse with you is konam (banned) for me, if he then has intercourse he is in violation of the prohibition: He shall not profane his word (Numbers 30:2).

The Gemara asks: How can a man ban himself from engaging in intercourse with his wife?!
Isn’t he required by Torah law to engage in sexual intercourse with her, as it is written: “Her food, her clothing, and her conjugal rights he may not diminish” (Exodus 21:10)?

We have discussed that verse, which commands a man to have a normal intimate relationship with his wife, and actually provides useful advice about how to foster passion in marriage.

Our sages agree that the above vow is indeed meaningless, as a man may not vow against what the Bible requires. However, if he stated that the physical enjoyment of intercourse is banned to himself, this vow would take effect. As he cannot continue a normal healthy marriage anymore, he would need to get the vow annulled or divorce his wife.

The Ran (in fourteenth century Barcelona) explains that this resolution also contains a problem. We have a rule that the Bible’s commandments are not given for physical enjoyment. If the man banned himself from physical enjoyment, he should still be able to live with his wife as the Bible commands, since this isn’t real benefit, he is just doing what God commanded.

The Ran explains that while we have a concept “commandments are not for enjoyment”, this means that merely doing our duty is not considered a benefit. However, an act that is inherently pleasurable is certainly considered a physical enjoyment and benefit. Therefore, a vow against enjoying the pleasure of intimacy is effective.

This raises an interesting and sensitive issue. Some people remain in a relationship, and even engage in the intimate aspects of their relationship, out of a sense of duty or obligation. Perhaps they feel good about doing their duty or being considered loyal and reliable by their spouse. However, this is not considered to be true personal pleasure.

One of the reasons why sexual intimacy is considered a key component of marriage is that the pleasure is supposed to bring the couple closer together. If one or both partners are intimate merely out of obligation, without real desire, they are missing the point.

This wisdom is not limited to marriage. If you are remaining in a situation that you don’t get pleasure from, from force of habit or pressure of obligation, you need to reassess what you are doing.

The Talmud discusses the case of a man who vows he will not sleep tomorrow if he sleeps today. Perhaps he should avoid sleeping today, since who says he will be able to stay awake tomorrow.

During the analysis our sages cite a teaching that it is forbidden to vow not to sleep without a realistic limit:

Rabbi Yohanan say that if one states: I hereby take an oath that I will not sleep for three days, the court flogs him for taking an oath in vain, and he may sleep immediately.

The reason is that it is physically impossible for a normal human being to remain awake for three days straight. An oath that it impossible to fulfill is in vain.

The lesson here is don’t push yourself to do things that are out of your reach. You will end up disappointing yourself.

However, your capabilities may improve. You might be able to hold attention for ten minutes, but with practice you can learn from longer. You may be able to get down and do 20 pushups now, and after weeks of training you will be able to bust out 50.

We also see the importance of sleep. Human beings are designed to need sleep, and adequate rest is vital for physical and mental recovery.

There is certainly a value to staying awake if you are working on tasks vital to your mission. But we need to recognize that sleep can enable you to work more effectively towards your goals when you wake.