The Talmud discusses if the high priest can marry a girl who is no longer as young as she use to be. In Leviticus 21:13, The high priest is commanded to marry a woman “with her virginity” (bivtuleha). The Bible could have said just “virgin” but instead writes this word with a prefix and suffix, emphasizing the importance of complete virginity.

Obviously a woman who had actual intimate relations is out of bounds to the high priest. But even a woman who is older than the age of physical maturity and out in the world has thinner hymen than she did when young. So our sages discuss if he can marry her, even though she is a virgin.

Our sages also debate about the eligibility of a woman who is a virgin in the sense she never had relations, but is not a virgin because her hymen is not intact due to an injury or horseback riding or the like.

While it may appear to modern people that Jewish law puts an undue emphasis on virginity for the high priest, he was the holiest man in the lineup and was held to the highest standards. We discussed why the Bible requires a high priest to marry a true virgin and what this can teach modern men.

In addition, recent research indeed shows that women who have more partners before marriage report less satisfaction and pair bonding with their husbands. They are also more likely to divorce and report depression. Modern research, based on data compiled by the CDC National Survey of Family Growth, shows that women with zero or minimal experience prior to marriage are more likely to be happy in a marriage and less likely to divorce.

In modern mainstream society the importance of virginity is downplayed. Young men and women are taught that it makes no real difference, and this mistake makes it more likely for them to begin sexual activity at a young age and without thought to the consequences.

Intimate experiences, especially at a younger age, actually have a profound impact on how young men and women view sexual activity and relate to their spouse. A wise man understands this concept and is careful when he picks a mate. While in some circles today it is rare or impossible to find a complete virgin, there are, as the Gemara notes, varying degrees of experience.

The Talmud is analyzing at what stage of marriage a woman is entitled to be fed by her husband. This has an interesting effect when a Cohen (priest) or daughter of a Cohen is involved.

When any woman married a Cohen she is entitled to eat food made from Trumah, the first tithe. The daughter of a Cohen is already entitled to eat Trumah, but if she marries another Cohen in an illegal manner (for example, she was previously divorced) she loses her eligibility.

Our sages debate whether her ability to eat changes when she is engaged (in Jewish law this is the first stage of marriage) or when they make a wedding ceremony, or when they actually consummate the marriage. This matters very much for a woman who was able to eat Trumah via her father, but will be unable once she is fully married.

This is an interesting concept in a modern society where women can easily earn their own living. For thousands of years men and women were working from the assumption that most women needed a man, be it a father, brother, or husband, to help support her.

As recently as 50 years ago most households had one full time earner, typically the husband. The wife was expected to be the home maker so he could dedicate his energy to his career. A combination of many factors, social, medical, and economic, have upended this reality.

The current mainstream society is wildly different than everything that has come before. Nowadays a man making enough money is no longer attractive to women. After all, women can also make enough money. Obviously a man with great wealth is always a good catch.

For a woman who can feed herself, there is no need to settle for a decent man who makes decent money. She needs more than decent to attract her. However, most of us are not fabulously rich. We need to realize that our earnings are no longer going to make us attractive. A wise man works to build himself up in many areas of life, not just in his career.

In Jewish law the age of maturity for men is 13, called bar mitzvah, while for women it is 12, bat mitzvah. At these ages a Jew is an adult and is considered capable and responsible for all adult activities. The Talmud rules that a girl even less than 12 can get married, and if her husband dies, can be married in Yibum by his brother.

This should sound shocking to modern people. In present day America, the average age of marriage is 30 for men and about 29 for women, and many jurisdictions limit marriages under the age of 18 or 16.

We must recognize that these marriages among young people were taking place in a completely different social context than modern marriages. In Jewish law, a minor does not have the requisite development of mind to enter a marriage or intimate relationship, or even make business deals. This girl did not simply get married because she felt like it or she met a cute boy. Her parents, who were looking out for her best interest, made the match along with the boy’s parents to get her into a situation where she would be protected and provided for.

Since an underage person does not have the requisite judgment and experience to begin an intimate relationship on his or her own accord, if, God forbid, someone seduced a child, this is considered to be the legal equivalent of violation. In Jewish law, when a woman or man is being violated, bystanders are required to intervene to rescue the victim, even if they need to kill the rapist to do so. We will discuss this, God willing, on Daf 61.

This teaching is not an endorsement that people should marry their daughters off before maturity. Quite the opposite, the Talmud explains that parents should wait until she has the maturity to make her own decisions (Kiddushin 41a). Two millennia ago young women had gained enough life experience at age 12 to say who they would marry.

Tosafot in Kiddushin (41a “asur’) point out that there were rare cases of parents arranging a marriage for a younger woman during the crusades. During the crusades, there was a very real danger that the money or resources needed to make a wedding would be pillaged by a passing army, and the possibility that the bride or groom or a family member would be murdered.

Having the status of a married woman would also protect young women from being violated by soldiers passing through. They didn’t mind abusing young girls, but would piously refrain if those girls were already betrothed to a man. Jews in Yemen faced the same situation, as gangs of Muslims would rape single girls but not married ones. Arranging marriages for young girls would protect them and ensure someone would care for them if her father or brothers died.

Two millennia ago young people were exposed to real danger and had to learn to navigate social situations and figure out other people. By age 12 people in ancient times had more real world experience and savvy. Learning to spot which people were reliable, generous, and family oriented would be the difference between life and death. By the time they were considered legally adults, they were more independent and responsible than young adults today going off to college.

When meeting new people, one thing to factor in is that someone may be less educated on paper, but have a lot more real life experience. A business degree may be helpful, but not as much as putting in work building an actual business. When you are starting up a project look for people with practical know how and savvy to accomplish your goals.

Modern society puts an undue emphasis on degrees and certifications, but people can obtain these without having any real experience in their field. The same is true in human relationships. Some of us get married without even understanding how men and women are different and how they work together. A few people begin to gain savvy in practical human psychology at a young age, and are socially mature well before their peers.

The Talmud continues discussing the mechanics of intimate relations, including the requisite intention needed to effect a legal change through intimacy. The Gemara comments that even a man who is mentally handicapped can have the necessary intention to marry through intimate relations.

Intimacy is such a basic human need that every healthy man desires it and any man with some degree of intellect can work out a plan to get together with a woman to gain access to regular intimacy. Obviously some men invest more time and talent on women than others, and we will see on Daf 63 that some men are too busy for women entirely.

However, using intelligence and effort to obtain a partner is appropriate for practically everyone. Analyze how well your current mating strategy is working for you. If you keep doing the same thing and getting poor results, you need to revamp your plans.

Today we also see that a “zonah”, often translated as harlot, whore, prostitute, is not literally a woman who sells her body. Rather a zonah is legally defined as a woman who has intimacy with a man she cannot marry. This is even when she could have married that man were it not for the fact that she was already married. So any married woman who is with another man is a zonah.

In a broader sense, if a married woman is willing to sleep with another man, she must be getting something in return. Maybe it is attention, novelty, emotional fulfillment, the chance to get with a higher status man, or revenge. It could be also be money or access to another man’s wealth, and this woman is a not just a zonah but a literal prostitute. However, more often than not our motivations for engaging in such behavior are complex and have multiple causes.

Be aware that if a woman was seeking attention, emotional support, or resources from a specific man, and no longer does so, then she probably obtained another source of supply. People who are getting needs met in a relationship, even a difficult one, are reluctant to leave until they have the chance to get their needs met elsewhere.

It is worth noting that Jewish law bans a woman who commits adultery from remaining with her husband and from marrying the other man. This is even when they cannot be executed since there were no witnesses and warning to their crime. By trying to secure a new supply, the woman has lost both her old and new supply.

Going back to our first point today, a man seeking to improve his mating strategy will recognize his own strengths and work to maximize them. I don’t mean that a man should try to start a relationship by advertising his ability to meet someone else’s needs. Yes, people do enter partnerships to get their needs met, this should be expected.

The wise move is to be a man who can supply something many other men do not, such as confidence and fun. A man needs to know himself first, and analyze himself compared to other men, so he can accentuate his unique advantages.

The Talmud today brings a debate over the definition of the first significant stage of the sexual act (haarah). At this stage of copulation the Yavam and Yevamah are considered married already, and a couple engaged in a forbidden relationship are liable for punishment.

While seeking a clear explanation, the Gemara discusses why the Bible uses the words “laying seed” in three places (Lev 18:20, 19:20, Numbers 5:13.  One of these is the infamous Sotah, the wayward wife. This was a woman who, despite a warning from her husband, went behind closed doors with another man. The Bible provides an intricate ritual in the Temple to determine if she had lain with the other man carnally (Numbers 5).

The Gemara first suggests that these words might exclude a man who warned his wife not to go behind closed doors with another man to engage in “lol cdarka”. This is a euphemism for intercourse using the orifice which is normally used as an exit.

Jewish law considers that type of sex act to count as actual intercourse, so that would be a valid warning that makes a Sotah.  Next the Gemara posits that he warned her against “derech aivarim” which is a euphemism for pleasurable contact with other parts of the body, without any actual penetration.

However, that does not count as intercourse (however, such contact is forbidden by the Bible, see Rambam

However, this husband demonstrates that he is particular about this kind of behavior, and the whole concept of Sotah depends on the sensitivity of the husband.  We would think this constitutes a valid warning for Sotah, but the words “laying seed” teach otherwise, that actual carnal knowledge is the problem.

Recall that the purpose of the Sotah ritual is not to punish a wife who strayed.  She can admit her sin and save her life.  The point is to save the marriage. Only a miracle from God can reconcile a man with a wife who went behind closed doors with another man.

Asking questions won’t help, we see that one person may insist ‘nothing happened” when all sorts of intimate activities went on. Maybe she thinks that sexual contact without penetration was ‘nothing’, or that penetration in an abnormal place was ‘nothing’. However, for a married woman these are deal breakers and destroy her marriage.

If a man is in the situation where he needs to ask his wife what happened with someone, he should be aware that the relationship is over. It would take an act of God to remove his justified suspicion. Today, when we don’t have our Holy Temple and the ritual of Sotah, if a wife goes behind closed doors in a suspicious manner, it’s all over.

The Talmud continues discussing the concept that a man who has any degree of intent to have sexual relations when he gets together with the widow awaiting Yibum actually acquires her as a wife. It does not matter if he mistaken about her identity or is being literally pushed into the act.

One of the vital lessons from this law is that having intimate relations changes both man and woman. Sexual intimacy creates a powerful bond between people. In modern mainstream society this fact is ignored or downplayed. Both young men and women are often encouraged to go out and have experiences when they are young before they settle down.

What is ignored is that these experiences can reduce the capacity to form lasting and rewarding bonds with a spouse. Research shows that having more partners before marriage has more of an impact on women than men, leading to less marital satisfaction.

The custom among religious Jews is to avoid premarital intimacy, and to work out the logistics to prevent young people from being tempted to indulge. This is not to say that premarital intimacy is evil or terrible (though there is the opinion of Rabbi Elazar on Daf 59 and 61 that it has a permanent negative effect on women).

However, we should not deny the power of intimacy to cloud our judgment. The chemicals released into a man’s brain after orgasm are the same released by taking highly addictive drugs. A man who would know better if he was in his right mind can end up committed to a woman who is really not a good partner for him, because his ability to think clearly was disrupted by the physiological effects of sex.

We should always be conscious of what we are doing, and aware that our acts have lasting effects.

Today the Talmud begins a critical chapter of Yevamot: “haba al yevimto”, literally He (the surviving brother) had relations with his Yevamah (the widow awaiting Yibum). The central teaching in the first Mishnah of this chapter is that act of sexual relations that bonds the Yavam and Yevamah need not be performed with intent to perform Yibum or even intent for this particular woman. If the man got together with her, even by accident or through a case of mistaken identity, they are now married through Yibum.

In modern times a case of actual mistaken identity is extremely rare. Two thousand years ago many people had no lighting in their homes at night, and more people tended to share one home or bedroom, so it could have been more common.

But in truth, today there are many people who connect on a physical level but don’t really know who the other person is. And this is not limited just to people who find a temporary partner using an app, but even those trying to form a lasting relationship.

A man can assume from a woman’s pleasant demeanor over a few dates that she is going to be wonderful and nice forever, and that she will encourage his career and eventually make an excellent mother. It is possible that her behavior was an act to win his commitment through telling him what he wanted to hear. In reality her actual intent and interests may be quite different.

A woman may see a man with an expensive car and watch, and assume he is wealthy, while these things were bought on credit and he is drowning in debt. She may go to bed with him based on her perception of his social or financial status, but she may be totally wrong.

More than a few people have told me that modern dating is more akin to brand management, with each person being their own brand. They work to appear successful and beautiful, to win attention and commitment. But reality may be far from the carefully cultivated image and pictures on their social media.

However, once a couple begins a sexual relationship, the emotions and hormones that arise from the act further cloud their ability to see the other objectively. It creates a bond. The Talmud reminds us that getting intimate with a person, even when you don’t know who they truly are, is powerful. The Yavam and Yevamah are now married, and he must support her. They are expected to try to create and raise children to stand in for the deceased brother.

Today a wise man works to see beyond the impression other people are trying to make, and understand their true motivations. Both men and women should ask themselves if they really know their partner. Even after marriage it can take years for all the quirks to come out.

Today our sages bring an amazing opinion about Maamar, the Rabbinical engagement ceremony accomplished by giving the widow awaiting Yibum something of value, such as a ring. Rav Huna teaches that performing Maamar before Yibum is necessary and proper, and the Gemara explains that some sages would administer lashes to a man who skipped Maamar and went right to bed.

Up until today’s Daf we assumed that Maamar was merely a show engagement. Yibum itself is needed to complete the marriage through intimacy. We now see that our sages thought men who did not do Maamar before Yibum should be lashed. The Rambam codifies this as the practical law.

The Gemara compares this to similar behaviors such as getting engaged in the public marketplace, among the haggling, buying and selling, or getting married without figuring out the finances and what each family would contribute to the new couple.

An engagement in the market or mall hints that the man feels that marriage is merely transactional. Rashi states such a man is being flippant and disrespectful to his own honor. Perhaps because he is allowing his personal life to be on display to anyone, or because he is not starting this vital relationship with appropriate decorum.

On a historical level, we see that marriage was considered to be a serious and dignified practice. Nowadays some people still feel this way, but the institution of marriage is typically less respected in modern times. It is a frequently considered a chance for the bride to throw an extravagant party and make it “her day”. The groom’s role can be minimized. Often more time, effort, and money are spend on the wedding itself than any aspect of the couple’s married life together.

In ancient times a marriage was seen as a dignified practice for both bride and groom, and the families involved. The groom also had to sit down with his family and in laws and figure out the finances, not just to pay for the wedding, but to plan for their life together as a married couple.

On a practical level, some rabbis today advise making a small, simple wedding and using the money saved to help the young couple pay for an apartment, furniture, or tuition. This idea should be balanced with the needs of the people involved, but is a good way to start focusing on the future as a married couple rather than on the day of the marriage.

A modern man should be aware that a wedding can still be dignified and for his benefit. However, before committing he must observe if the bride to be is focused on making a wedding or making a marriage. There is a world of difference. Pay close attention to how a potential wife talks about marriage and weddings.

The Talmud brings a debate over the consequences of giving a writ of divorce (“Get” in Hebrew) to a woman awaiting Yibum or Halitzah.  Likewise, we discuss the effects of performing Maamar, a symbolic engagement, on a widow awaiting Yibum, when the man later changes his mind and decides not to marry her.

A Get, which does dissolve a regular marriage, does not work in the context of Yibum to sever the man’s obligation to release his brother’s widow.  However, if he gives her a Get this does shown that he is trying to push her away and does not want to marry her in Yibum.  He must still perform Halitzah to actually sever the bond.

Be aware that sometimes you need to push people away totally and exclude them from your life. However, often it is difficult to kick this person out entirely. There may still be shared interests or responsibilities. A man may need to be able to emotionally separate himself from certain people but still get along with them on a practical level. Cultivating a stoic mindset and remaining aloof is a good starting point.

The Gemara brings a debate between our sages about a man who gave a Get to one widow and then went to marry another widow (his brother had more than one wife).  Perhaps his Get shows he wants nothing to do with building his brother’s house, which should preclude Yibum to the other woman. He pushed away and then wants to draw close, which is contradictory.

Typically being direct with your intentions is the best way to deal with people. However, sometimes you are better off alternating pulling someone in and remaining somewhat distant. A man who enthusiastically pursues a relationship  or a deal may be rejected due to his earnestness. In some situations it may be wiser to maintain some space and make some comments that show you are not entirely convinced that you need this person or business opportunity.

This relates to our discussion on Daf 47 about how trying too hard or putting all your cards on the table creates problems. Don’t make it too easy for the other side, that makes you appear to have lower value.

A man who demonstrates through eagerness that he lacks other options may get the short end of the stick in business and relationships. By pushing away at times or displaying reluctance, you may get a better deal.

The Talmud brings up the problem that God “added” years to the life of king Hizkiyah (2 Kings 20:6) despite the verse in Exodus 23:26 which implies human lifespans are fixed.

According to Rabbi Akiva, we are given a certain lifespan, and if we merit we get the whole thing.  If we mess.up, then it can be reduced.  King Hizkiyah had erred by refusing to have children (due to knowing he would have a wicked son) and his lifespan was reduced until he changed his mind.

The other sages say your total lifetime is not fixed, and positive merits can extend it while negative actions decrease it.  Jewish wisdom explains that God “knowing” when a man will die is not incompatible with free will (see also Pirke Avot 3:15).

Tosafot here explains based on a Gemara in Moed Katan 28 that lifespan, like most things in life are dependent on “Mazal” which roughly translates to fate or luck. (Though there are sources that imply Mazal is more like savvy or awareness).

However, even with most areas of life ruled by Mazal, a great merit can change fate.  Tosafot continues that a man making such a major change is very uncommon.

Most men live out their lives in a predictable way. Very few break out of the box. Human beings tend to be consistent and reluctant to make big changes in their lives. This is especially true of people who are content to go along with the larger narrative of their society.

When you are working on changing yourself, realize and accept that this is an uphill battle.  You may find it easier to make incremental changes, or work on specific areas of your life one at a time.

On a practical level, it is best to start by working on your physical health through diet and exercise. Often men find that putting effort into their own well being gives them the energy and confidence to change other areas of their lives.

Some men find it helpful and necessary to make a major and sudden change in their life, perhaps by undertaking a new career or eliminating a toxic person from their life.  This may literally extend their lifespan by removing stress and anxiety, or at least make their days more enjoyable.

Think about the life you want to lead, and what you need to accomplish to achieve it.  Start making changes today, small or large.