The Talmud continues discussing how the daughter of the priest can become ineligible to eat Trumah through forbidden relations, and how the daughter of a regular Jew becomes eligible through marriage to a Cohen. The Gemara examines the case of a regular Jewish girl who was engaged, but not yet fully married to a Cohen. Then she becomes pregnant during the engagement period.

While an engaged couple is not supposed to be intimate prior to being fully married, we can understand that kids will be kids and not everyone can control themselves. (There were also certain times when premarital familiarity was even encouraged after engagement). Therefore, logically the baby is from the Cohen fiancé and this woman can eat Trumah.

However, keep in mind that in those times it was exceptionally rare for a woman to be willing to engage in premarital intimacy, even to her future spouse. There was intense social stigma against such behavior, and the birth control methods they used back then were not nearly as reliable, so any intimacy was quite dangerous. A woman who becoming pregnant outside of marriage was scandalous and practically unheard of.

Our sages discuss the concern that since this woman was willing to flout normal social boundaries with one man, she may have actually slept with more than just her fiancé. The Gemara states: since she was willing to make herself freely available to him, she freed herself to others. She is a free spirit, as in men can use her for free. If that is the case, then she may have actually committed adultery and be forbidden to eat Trumah or marry the Cohen.

If a person is willing to bend the accepted rules in one situation, they are likely to bend and break norms in other areas of their life. Once you break down one barrier against sin, more barriers fall. It can be exciting and appealing for a young man to be around a woman who will break rules, but he needs to keep this wisdom in mind.

It is also important to realize that today, in mainstream society at least, there is minimal stigma against premarital intimacy and pregnancy. A woman may engage in such behaviors and never think twice about the consequences, because there is more social outrage leveled against someone who dares to judge these behaviors than on the behaviors themselves.

A wise man figures out what social context a potential partner, business associate, or friend is living within, since he must adjust his expectations accordingly.

The Talmud is on the topic of a woman being able to eat Trumah (see yesterday’s Daf) through marriage. The daughter of a priest can eat Trumah when she is living in her father’s house, but can no longer do so when she marries a non-Cohen. However, the Torah allows: “if a priest’s daughter be a widow, or divorced, and have no child, and is returned to her father’s house, as in her youth, she may eat of her father’s bread” (Leviticus 22:13).

However, this ability to return to her prior status only applies if she was in a legal marriage. If the daughter of a Cohen has intimate relations with a man she is not allowed to marry, she cannot eat Trumah even after that relationship ends.

Recall that a Cohen himself is not allowed to marry certain women, as the Bible requires that they hold themselves to a higher standard. The daughter of a Cohen is also excepted to reflect this higher level of care. If she had relations with a man she could not marry, then in her mind she no longer associates intimate acts as something that only takes place within a marriage.

Research confirms that women with a higher number of intimate partners report less satisfaction in marriage and less ability to lair bond with their spouse. Women with zero or minimal experience prior to marriage are more likely to be happy in a marriage and less likely to divorce:

Part of the role of the ancient priests was to model healthy marriages and families for the rest of the nation. This is one of the reasons why they were awarded Trumah and other gifts. A person who undermines this value is not deserving of the reward.

The Talmud discusses the wife and children of a priest (Cohen) eating Trumah, the first tithe taken from produce. If the daughter of a non-Cohen marries a Cohen, she can now eat Trumah. If her husband passes, she can only eat Trumah if they have children together.

However, if the Cohen passes away leaving a meager estate, it is possible that other members of his household cannot continue eating Trumah. If his estate was small, then it is reserved for his daughters, to provide dowry for their marriages. This is even though by Biblical law a man’s property is divided among his sons. Our sages decreed that since women had a more difficult time provided for themselves, if a man left a smaller inheritance then it should be held in trust for the girls. The boys were expected to go out and make their own money.

This decree mirrors human experience. Parents tend to be more protective of their daughters, and willing to give up significant resources to set them up in life. However, parents are less worried about their sons. This was the typical thought process all over the globe for all of human history. The past few decades in western societies are a tiny exception to the rule.

It is valuable to keep in mind that while in many places the Bible may appear to favor men over women, there are instances in which women were given precedence. These tend to reflect an innate human reality. Our sages were concerned with getting the best life results for the most number of people, so sometimes one group or gender had to be favored over another to make it work out.

Today we begin a new chapter about the financial consequences of marriage.

The daughter of a Cohen can eat Trumah, the first tithe separated from produce and given to the priests. However, if she marries a non-Cohen, she can no longer eat Trumah. Likewise, if a regular Israelite girl married a Cohen, she becomes eligible to eat Trumah.

The Gemara comments that if she could not eat her husband’s food, she would feel they are not truly married. A central concept of marriage is that a husband provides for his family. Traditionally this was understood by both men and women, and women typically respected their husbands due in part to their role as provider.

In modern times, women are certainly aware of the financial potential of the men they are involved with. Women tend to desire to marry only a man who earns significantly more than she does. However, since many women today, especially the most educated, are also making a solid living, they are now looking for a man who is among the highest paid. This leads to women having a much harder time finding a man they consider a suitable mate than their lower earning grandmothers did.

People are also cognizant of what resources each brings into a marriage. The Talmud explains that if either the husband or wife brought property into the marriage, and it was appraised and listed in the marriage contract, then neither spouse can sell these items unilaterally. If the marriage ended, these listed items would be returned to each side, or compensation made if the other had sold it.

This is an ancient source for a prenuptial agreement, the prenup. It is worth noting that in many ancient cultures women could not own property at all. Everything belonged to her father or husband. In some cultures women themselves were property. Jewish society was egalitarian in comparison.

In addition, millennia ago, most men were illiterate. Even 200 years ago, before mandatory education in western societies, many people could not read. Among Jews, the people of the book, even women were literate. They could write down and read lists of what they owned.

This idea is deeper than the Jewish focus on education. A man should recognize what he is worth, what he brings to the table. This is not merely your wealth, but any valuable trait: Your wisdom, personality, professional development, fitness and health, sense of humor, travels and travails.

Write down your values. Sometimes within a long term relationship a man loses his sense of individuality and independence. His conflates the success of the marriage with his personal success. A man should realize that he still has independent value that is all his own.

The Daf today includes an amazing Mishnah citing an ancient argument over if only men or both men and women are commanded to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28).

The Gemara cites the rest of that verse: “fill the land and conquer it”. Since men are naturally the invaders and conquerors, logically they are also the subject of the order to multiply. The verse reflects biological reality: men are larger, stronger, and faster than women. While women can certainly fight, young men are practically built for combat.

Therefore, men are also expected to be responsible for going forth and continuing the human race. A man should be the active party in starting a relationship with a woman he finds attractive. This does not imply that a man should be aggressive, but that he should be confident of his own value.

A woman enjoys being pursued if she believes that the man is worthy. A common mistake I have seen is a man pursuing a woman who is not especially interested in him but continues their relationship anyway because she enjoy the attention. In one case such a couple even got married, which became problematic.

A wise man keeps his eyes open for signs that the women he is pursuing are not fully interested in him, so he does not waste his time and energy on pursuits that will not become fruitful.

The Talmud mentions that if two boys from the same family died after circumcision, the third son is exempt from undergoing circumcision. The problem here is hemophilia, which prevents normal blood clotting.

The Gemara states that this rule is even through sisters, so if two sisters already had one son with hemophilia, the son of their third sister is also exempt. This is the first time in human history that a genetic disorder was understood to be linked to family.

On this topic our sages advise a man to avoid marrying a woman from a family of epileptics or people who get tzaraat. While tzaraat is often translated as leprosy, it is actually a physical manifestation of a spiritual problem. It was commonly acquired after slandering or revealing negative information about others.

Therefore a man needs to consider not only if the family of a perspective wife has genetic diseases, but also if they have developed social diseases. It is true that some people reject the way their were raised and distance themselves from an unhealthy family of origin. However, when under stress people typically default back to the behavior patterns they witnessed or used in childhood.

This is also a reminder that parents need to model appropriate socialization to our children. What we say about our own parents in front of our children is how our children will speak about us.

The Talmud is now involved in an amazing discussion about marriage. This began on yesterday’s Daf with statements about the great value of having a wife. Rabbi Tanḥum said that Rabbi Ḥanilai said: Any man who does not have a wife is left without joy, without blessing, without goodness. Other sages explain that a wife protects a man from sin, and that a man should regularly visit his wife for marital intimacy.

Today Rabbi Elazar adds: Any man who does not have a wife is not a man, as it is stated: “Male and female He created them, and called their name Adam” (Genesis 5:2). The implication here is that without a wife, a man doesn’t truly have a name or reputation. Perhaps this is because he is not using all of his capabilities.

Every man has the capacity to lead others. This is an innate function of masculinity, but many men seldom express their leadership. Not every man can be on top of social hierarchy but in traditional societies every man was the master of his own home.

Our sages explain that one of the reasons that the Jews were not wiped out in the time of Xerxes was that his prime minister Haman sent a letter to the entire empire stating something obvious: that each husband should be the master of his own house. This order was so ridiculous that the people questioned his second letter encouraging the murder of Jews. The miraculous salvation we celebrate as Purim was possible because everyone took traditional gender roles for granted.

However, today this is not obvious. Modern feminist society indoctrinates men and women that men should not lead. Men are ridiculed in the media as helpless dolts and buffoons, while women are portrayed as wise and capable. At most a modern man expects to be an equal partner, despite typically bringing more resources into the marriage.

In reality, this narrative is causing frustration for both men and women. Women are anxious about taking the mantle of family leadership and becoming responsible for any failures. Men are stunted and risk averse, reluctant to step up or to even question the primary authority society grants their wives.

A modern man should evaluate his to what extent he has authority and bears responsibility within his family. If there are areas where he is not leading, he should make an effort to lead. Do not take on too much at once, build experience in specific areas and become comfortable making small decisions first.

Our sages in the Talmud would not even recognize modern western society. In human societies all over the globe, until very recently, it was normal for the man to take the lead in his partnership with a woman. That is because this social convention reflects normal human biology. Men and women are different and naturally default to specific roles within a relationship, in the absence of social pressures trying to override innate human characteristics.

While our sages do extol the value of marriage, the Talmud is not blind to the dangers of marriage.

Rabbi Ḥiyya’s wife would constantly aggravate him. Nevertheless, when he would find something nice, he would wrap it in his shawl and bring it to her. Rav said to him: Doesn’t she always nag you? Rabbi Ḥiyya said to him: It is enough for us that our wives raise our children and save us from sin.

It is very important to express gratitude to your partner for what she does. Rabbi Hiyya’s response also teaches a minimum level of function expected of a wife: helping raise children and preventing her husband from sinful thoughts through regular intimacy.

If a wife is not doing these two things, while she may be great in other areas, she is not supplying what our sages suggest every wife should be able to provide. A man with such a wife needs to consider what benefit he gets from such a relationship.

What woman is considered a bad wife? Abaye said: She arranges a table for him and arranges her mouth for him (she prepares dinner, but she prepares to verbally abuse him while he eats).
Rava said: She arranges a table for him and then turns her back to him.

It is interesting that even a bad wife was still cooking for her family. The behaviors described by our sages are called “Hot/cold” in modern parlance. This refers to a person alternating nice and mean behaviors, or alternating paying attention with isolation and the famous silent treatment.

This is a very effective emotional manipulation which reinforces a dysfunctional partnership. A man tends to remember good times (or the food) and not the abuse and anger. The Ben Yehoyada, a great rabbi in Baghdad about 100 years ago, writes that she wants her husband there to suffer her wrath rather than to leave. A man needs to be on the lookout for behavior that is designed to keep him stuck in a negative situation.

The Talmud also quips that a bad wife worse than death, since you only die once, and notes that a bad wife can be worse than hell. A man needs to learn wisdom to have insight about who he marries and how he manages his family life.

The Talmud, discussing the commandment to be fruitful and multiple, brings various opinions about how many children a man should father: Beit Shammai say the mitzvah to be fruitful and multiply is fulfilled by having two sons and two daughters. And Beit Hillel say a son and a daughter.

The Gemara brings another take from Rabbi Yehoshua (Joshua): a man who married a woman in his youth should marry another woman in his old age. If he had children in his youth, he should have more children in his old age, as it is stated: “In the morning sow your seed, and in the evening do not withhold your hand; for you do not know which shall prosper, whether this or that, or whether they both alike shall be good” (Ecclesiastes 11:6).

The logic here is that in a man’s youth he may have more energy and vigor to help him raise his children, but when he is older he should have more wisdom to guide his family, and is likely more resources as well. What he does with his first children is not the same as how he deals with later children.

A man grows and changes and learns through experience. One of the most vital areas to improve is in how you manage and nurture your family. A man should not stumble blindly but should seek out wisdom and learn from his own mistakes. Children raised by a mature, accomplished man, may be more likely to succeed since they gain the benefit of his experience.

Rabbi Akiva applies this not only to literal children, but to students. Jewish wisdom considers teaching students as akin to raising children, as education is the key concept of traditional Judaism.

Even if you accomplished something worthwhile in your youth, don’t stop working when you are older. Don’t try to keep basking in your former glory, keep building yourself into a greater man. On the way, figure out what you have learned from life and work out a way to share it with younger men.

The Talmud mentioned on Daf 57 that on a technical level, a girl even younger than bat mitzah could be married in Yibum, though ideally she would wait until she was older. The Gemara in Kiddushin 41a explains that we typically wait for a young woman to be mature enough to make her own decisions about marriage.

We explained these marriages were made in a very different world than we now experience. Millennia ago young people had to develop the maturity and capacity we associate with older people in today’s protected world.

On today’s Daf the Talmud explains that a priest (Cohen) should not marry a girl younger than bat mitzvah, and our sages comment that this is due to a concern she may be seduced by a different man. Now, any woman who willingly goes along with a seduction from another man is forbidden to stay married to her husband.

However, for a girl under bat mitzvah, seduction is considered violation. Someone so young does not have the emotional and mental development to understand the consequences of her actions. Rashi explains that she has no experience to guide her in this area, the Bach explains Rashi meant she lacks the sound mind of an adult who is already aware of the ramifications of intimate matters.

Therefore, all of the responsibility for such an act is put on the seducer. He is considered to be taking advantage of this girl. In Jewish law, when a woman or man is being violated, bystanders are required to intervene to rescue the victim, and are allowed to kill the man to do so. If someone is trying to abuse a minor, he can and should be attacked and even killed if that is what is required to stop him.

For a regular Jewish man who is not a priest, if his wife is taken advantage of she can stay with her husband. After all, she didn’t want this act and did not do anything wrong herself. But the wife of a Cohen who was violated cannot remain with the Cohen, due to the higher standards of holiness required for the priests. So even though this hypothetical young girl did not have the mental state to agree to intimate relations, such activities, God forbid, would have an effect on her.

We should be aware that in modern times, some elements of the media and even educators in public schools are focusing a lot of effort on exposing children to sexual content. This activity is billed as helping children to be tolerant of people who choose to engage in what is considered by traditional human societies to be abnormal or unhealthy sexual activities.

Exposing young children to sexual content makes it much easier to manipulate them into being victimized by perverted adults. Some of the same people advocating teaching sexual content to children have been caught with videos of children being abused. There are also news stories of these people actually corrupting the minds and bodies of children (God forbid).

As our rabbis taught, children lack the sound mind to resist such grooming. Jewish law takes such behavior so seriously that the seduction of a minor is considered rape, and if caught in the act the abuser can be attacked and killed if that is needed to prevent this heinous crime. Of course, we are not advocating violence, see Brakhot 10, we are merely pointing out how serious this crime it.

Even for people who truly desire to foster tolerance, it is highly questionable to target young children with this material. In modern times children are not considered old enough to make significant decisions until age 18, and cannot even purchase alcohol until age 21. And yet educators want to teach sex and pornography to little boys and girls in kindergarten. Something is obviously very wrong with this.

In ancient times, it did happen (rarely, see Daf 57) that girls and boys married at a young age. This was not done to expose them to explicit content or activities, but arranged by their own parents to guarantee they were provided for in uncertain times or protect them from being violated by outside men. As recently as 50 years ago Jews in Yemen would arrange marriages for their young daughters and write up marriage contracts, because unmarried girls were kidnapped and abused by the local non-Jews.

This is obviously very different from young children being indoctrinated and groomed by powerful media forces and educators without the knowledge and consent of their parents. While sadly there are exceptions, the parents of children typically want to protect their offspring from physical and psychological harm. Outsiders with a narrative to promote care only for their agenda, not the well-being of the children they are manipulating.

We continue the discussion of the high priest’s requirement to marry only a virgin. The Gemara notes that due to the concern that idolaters molest young girls, even a girl who converted to Judaism when she was less than bat mitzvah may not be a virgin.

Rabbi Shimon questions this, noting that after the ancient war with Midian, the Jews were told they could keep (and presumably later marry) the young girls they captured (Numbers 31:18). Since Pinhas the priest was with the army, these young converts should be eligible for priests.

The other sages explain that the Midianite women were tested, and the non-virgins killed (Numbers 31:17). The test involved having the girls walk before the Tzitz, a golden plate worn by the high priest and inscribed “holy to God”. The girls who knew about sexual activity would visibly react to being in the presence of the Tzitz, their faces turning sallow from the shame.

This was a miraculous event, but logical as well. If the Jews had simply asked the women, many would have lied. By putting them near a very serious and holy object, those who had something to hide would react.

This is an interesting concept. People who engage in questionable activities may still be embarrassed when their deeds are revealed to their parents or friends. If you are trying to find out what a person is really doing, you need to speak with them privately and without judgment. Making the situation too serious or emotional will prevent them from sharing.

If you are trying to get someone to feel ashamed of what they did, you will never get the whole story. Besides that, Jewish tradition teaches that we do not embarrass someone who is mending their ways by mentioning their mistakes (Talmud, Bava Metzia 59).

One of the challenges in helping other men is listening to their stories without judgment. Some men have lived through things you may consider to be extreme or disgusting. Withhold your personal opinions and focus on understanding their problems.