The Talmud brings a famous argument about how we dance before the bride at a wedding:

The academy of Shammai says one praises the bride as she is, the academy of Hillel says one praises the bride as being beautiful and attractive (even if she is not). Beit Shammai said to Beit Hillel: if the bride was lame or blind, can one say she is beautiful and attractive?  But the Torah states: “Keep away from a false matter” (Exodus 23:7). Beit Hillel said to Beit Shammai: According to your statement, if a man acquired an inferior item from the market, should another praise it to him or disparage it to him? You must say that he should praise it to him. From here the Sages said: A person’s mind should always be sensitive to how others perceive things.

This is an amazing lesson. You may not think the bride is good looking at all, but the groom did, so much that he chose to marry her (Jewish law encourages a man to see the woman he will marry first and make sure he finds her attractive).

Since the groom found her attractive, it is appropriate and not considered lying to praise her in front of him, so he will come to love her more.

This concept is not limited to physical looks. A man may choose a certain profession, or car, or guitar that you would never consider for yourself. Your feelings on the matter don’t make his preferences invalid. Don’t judge other people’s choices by your own personal standards.

Another man may choose to build a life for himself that is totally different to what you would choose, and that is fine. Part of being mature is to understand that other people can have different values, and this does not undermine your own.

However, don’t take this idea too far. Hillel and his students chose their words carefully: you should praise an acquisition that a man made in the public market. In the public market (more like a bazaar then) there were no returns. Even if there is some flaw he cannot exchange this purchase, so you may as well praise it so he will enjoy the item he got.

However, in a situation where he can return a flawed item, it would be proper to inform the purchaser so he can resolve the situation with the seller. We don’t let our friends get ripped off.

Similarly, after a man is already married there is no benefit in telling him the flaws of his wife. However, before they are married it may be proper to inform a man that you see specific red flags in this woman. A man can become enthralled and obsessed with a woman and ignore or repress issues she has that will undermine their relationship later on.

Of course this must be done with sensitivity and only when your goal is to protect the people involved.

The Talmud begins the second chapter with a case in which a woman’s status at the time of marriage is disputed, since the Ketuvah document itself is missing. She claims that she was a virgin when she married, so she is entitled to 200 coins as settlement when she is divorced or widowed. The husband (or his heirs) claim that she was already a widow when she married the man she is claiming the Ketuvah money from.

The Gemara notes that we rely on certain signs as evidence that the woman was in fact a virgin, such as having a special veil worn by virgins, or her hair uncovered, or throwing grain at the wedding. These signs are effective evidence because there is a presumption that most women do get married when they are virgins.

That was the reality of the time, it was common for the newlyweds to be without any prior intimate experience. This was was still the case up to just a few generations ago. The past 60 odd years have seen rapid social changes in modern societies. Nowadays, in mainstream society, as far as the statistics show, the opposite is the case.

This is in part due to a much later age of first marriages, now around age 30 on average in America. Within religious groups today, men and women do marry at a younger age, pulling the national averages down. In ancient times and even a century ago people got married much earlier in their life, even in their teens.

In ancient times the amount a woman received for her Ketuvah depending on her status at the time of marriage. Even in this era, the premarital experiences of the bride do have an impact on married life.

Modern research, based on data compiled by the CDC National Survey of Family Growth, shows that woman who had more partners prior to settling down and marrying are less likely to be satisfied in their marriages and more likely to divorce.

It is noteworthy that in the time of the Gemara, the society had various rituals associated with the marriage of a virgin. The first Mishnah we learned in Ketuvot was that virgins marry on Wednesday night, to give the groom the chance to go to court right away if he finds that she misled him and may have been unfaithful during the engagement.

Today the Talmud cites a custom to bring an open barrel of wine to the table at the wedding feast for a virgin, and a closed barrel for a non-virgin. The Gemara asks why they did not simply omit the barrel for a non-virgin bride, and answers that in the future this woman may falsely claim she was a virgin and they simply did not have a barrel around at her wedding feast.

Today the status of a woman is not something that is made public knowledge, and this is for good reason. If you are a religious person, then depending on the subculture you are in, it may still be quite common for brides to be virgins. Customs that would reveal those women who are not would be embarrassing.

If you are a young man in a religious culture, you should be aware that you cannot rely on statistics. You may assume that someone you are considering marrying has a certain status, but religious observance is no guarantee, especially in today’s world.

However, it may be wiser to avoid asking directly. This implies a judgment, and women are naturally very sensitive to judgment. Being too direct can make people hide the truth. Instead, discretely find out about her past, and discuss her personal status without any judgment, so she can open up.

The Talmud discusses a case in which a woman had relations with an unknown man, and debates if we can rely on the fact the most of the men in the nearby area were genealogically fit (in the sense that intimacy with them would not remove her eligibility to marry a Cohen)

This is different from the prior cases where the woman could identify who the man was, in which Rabban Gamliel ruled we believe her.

Our sages debates if we can rely on the fact the most of the men in the nearby area were genealogically fit (in the sense that intimacy with them would not remove her eligibility to marry a Cohen).

Our sages compares relying on a majority to this amazing case:

If one found an unidentified, abandoned baby in the city, if there is a majority of gentiles in the city the baby is deemed a gentile; if there is a majority of Jews in the city the baby is deemed a Jew. If half the population is gentile and half Jewish, the baby is considered a Jew.

The Gemara explains that even in a place with majority pagans, the Jewish community would still provide charity and support and Jews would violate the Sabbath to save the life of such a child. Jewish law requires breaking the Sabbath to save any life.

Our sages also explain that we provide charity, heal the sick, and bury the dead of any nation (Talmud Gittin 61a). This is part of the doctrine of Darke Shalom or Tikkun Olam.

It may be shocking that in ancient times infants and children were simply thrown out to die or perhaps be adopted by others. This was actually quite common in Greek and Roman times, contemporary historians estimate that 20-30% of Roman babies were abandoned.

Now, not all of these were truly left to die, some were put into baskets with a note encouraging someone to adopt the baby. However, sickly or defective babies, or those from an adulterous affair, were sometimes thrown out naked for the wolves and birds to eat.

This is truly disturbing, but there is a deeper message. People should avoid bringing children into the world when they will be unwanted. In ancient Rome about one in four children were cast out.

In modern times with highly effective birth control methods, similar situations are thankfully rare. The ancient situation is a reminder that a man should be aware of what he is doing and conscious that his actions may bring a life into the world.

The Talmud continues the topic of believing a pregnant woman’s claim as to who the father is. The Gemara brings this case:

A certain betrothed man and his pregnant betrothed came before Rav Yosef. She said that she conceived from  him, and he said: Yes, it is from me. Rav Yosef said: what suspicion need we worry about? He admits that he is the father. And furthermore, didn’t Rav Yehuda say that Shmuel said: The law is in accordance with the opinion of Rabban Gamliel.

In reality, such a situation is not crystal clear. Tosafot (early medieval commentators), beginning on the bottom of 13b and continuing at the top of 14a, cite a similar case where an engaged woman becomes pregnant, where we do not believe her claims, and assign the child either a doubtful status or that of a mamzer (bastard). This is the opposite of today’s case where everyone appears to believe this engaged couple.

Tosafot resolves this tension by explaining that in this case the man was certain the pregnancy was his since he had not merely slept with his fiance just once, but had been regularly with her on a constant ongoing basis. This reality overcomes the concern that a woman who is willing to engage in premarital intimacy with one man may also do so with others, which would make her forbidden to her fiance and the child’s origin in doubt.

We understand from this episode that for a man to be absolutely sure about the status of his family, he has to be there consistently. This is not merely in the sense of intimacy with his wife, though obviously that helps to provide a solid foundation for a family.

A man needs to be present for his family members, available to assist and advise them, and around to keep them out of trouble. Sadly in today’s mainstream society, fathers are often not present or not empowered to guide their families. We see the results, households without a strong and consistent father figure have more problems with crime, drugs, suicide, underage pregnancy, and mental illness.

Ancient Jewish society valued the role of men in a marriage and family, and our tradition encouraged men to be respected as the leaders within their families. This led to strong, stable families.

Today the Daf brings two Mishnaot (the plural of Mishnah) on the theme of believing the claim of a woman regarding her personal status. For example, if a woman claims with certainty that she had an injury or medical procedure that rendered her without a hymen, then that would be a valid explanation.

In another case, an unmarried woman was seen going into seclusion with a man, or she turns up pregnant. According to Rabban Gamliel and Rabbi Eliezer, we believe her if she says with certainty that she knows who the man is. This has ramifications for her own status, since if she was intimate with certain men she can no longer marry a priest (Cohen), as well as for the status of the child.

Rabbi Yehoshua rules that we do not believe her, and challenges Rabban Gamliel and Rabbi Eliezer from a case where witnesses say a woman captured by bandits. In those days, the bandits were known to violate female captives, so there is a legal assumption that she was abused even if she claims otherwise.

Rabban Gamliel and Rabbi Eliezer answer that such a situation is not identical to a single woman in the city, who merely went behind closed doors with a man. Rabbi Yehoshua notes that once people are alone together, anything can happen, there is no guarantee when it comes to intimate behaviors.

This is an important concept. Once a woman and man have had a chance to be together, anything could have happened, no matter what the people involved claim did or did not happen. It is impossible to verify the truth, and people may have an incentive to lie about such situations.

Jewish law has rules designed to prevent unrelated men and women from being alone together with the chance to sin. Today’s case is regarding a single woman, for a married woman who was warned but secluded herself with another man, the Bible provides a ritual test to determine if she actually strayed. We will learn about this in tractate Sotah.

The bottom line is once people have had an opportunity, you have no guarantee. A wise man does not allow his family members to put themselves into such a situation.

The Talmud examines the custom in the land of Yehudah (Judea) that during the engagement period a bride and groom were encouraged to be alone together. If a man had dined with his in laws in Judea while engaged, then we assume that he had spent some time with the bride. This man can no longer claim after the wedding night that his wife was not a virgin, unless he had witnesses proving that he had not been alone with her.

This custom seems bizarre in a culture that did not condone premarital intimacy. The Jerusalem Talmud in Ketuvot 1:5 (we are learning the Babylonian Talmud) explains why they did this:

The Romans decided to persecute the Jews in Yehudah, because they had a tradition from their forefathers that Yehudah (son of Jacob) had killed Esav. They went and enslaved the Jews and violated their daughters; they decreed that a soldier would have the right to violate a virgin bride on her wedding night, before the husband could be with her.

In response, the Jews allowed a husband to go to his wife (after engagement, the first stage of marriage) and live with her while she was still residing in her father’s house. This way she would be drawn to her Jewish husband and not be a willing participant in any intimate activities with foreign soldiers.

It is notable that earlier in Jewish history the Greeks had also decreed that they could abduct and violate women on their wedding night. This is known in Latin as “jus prima nocta”. We mentioned this sexual terrorism on Daf 3, this was one of the causes of the Hanukkah rebellion against Greek rule.

The custom in Yehuda to allow the bride and groom to be alone together before the marriage was designed to create a connection between them, so if she was abducted she would be loyal to her husband. Since she had a relationship with her husband, it would be clear that if she was violated by the invaders she was totally unwilling.

We learn from here the importance of being alone with another person to foster a deeper bond. This is not just for a spouse, but to allow forging a real friendship or business partnership as well. It is worthwhile to remember that men don’t just get together to talk, they come together to do something, such as a hobby or sport.

Take the time to connect one on one with the important people in your life. When there is a strong connection between people, they can better weather traumatic events. Part of a healthy marital relationship is intimacy and being together without the distractions of other people.

The Talmud cites a Mishnah that a female convert gets a Ketuvah. Our sages note that Jewish courts had to power to convert minors who were joining Judaism. It appears that this was done when a minor child came to convert with his mother, since the father was not available to do so.

This is a fascinating ruling since minors (under the age of 13 for boys and 12 for girls) are usually considered to lack the soundness of mind to make such important decisions. Even though the minor is not yet mentally mature, the court can act as his father and convert him, since it is a merit to convert.

The Talmud questions if someone would really feel like converting to Judaism is such a benefit. Our sages conclude that for a child, who has not yet lived a permissive lifestyle, Judaism is an advantage, despite the restrictions that come with it (notably on bacon and forbidden marriages). However, for an adult who is used to having any kind of food or women permitted to him, switching to Judaism would not necessarily be favorable.

After all, non Jews only have seven Noahide laws, Jews have an additional 613 commandments. Living with Judaism indeed has joys and accomplishments but also many restrictions. Once someone is grown up and has tasted a certain lifestyle, then he subconsciously prefers to remain in that situation, even if objectively he may be better off changing his life.

We see from here that human beings tend to continue their current lifestyle. Don’t expect people to radically change the lives they have gotten used to. If a person is able to reject their previous life, this is typically only after a shocking event led them to change their assumptions.

Rav Yosef adds to this ruling that once they reach maturity, the child who was converted at a young age has the right to refuse the conversion. We see that it is possible for someone who has been living a certain life to come to reject it when this person has gained more life experience.

However, this is rare. If you are making someone your partner and are expecting this person to change, then you are better off changing your expectation.

The Talmud is on the topic of what claim a groom may be making in court after his wedding night. Our sages wonder how his claim that he doesn’t think the bride was a virgin could cause the bride to lose her Ketuvah money. After all, such an accusation is quite possibly due to his lack of experience.

If the Ketuvah is merely a rabbinical enactment to protect women from frivolous divorce, then maybe the claim by the groom could cause her to lose the money. However, the Gemara cites teachings that the Ketuvah is a Biblical level requirement for marriage. If the Bible itself considers a Ketuvah to be an essential part of a marriage, then his suspicions are not enough, he would need to produce qualified witnesses or certain proof to take it away.

The reference to the Ketuvah is in Deuteronomy 22:29, which states that a man who seduces a maiden must, if she does not wish to marry him, pay silver the amount of the settlement made to virgins. Exodus 22:15-16 also uses the word “mohar” or financial settlement in both noun and verb forms.

The Bible assumes the existence of some financial arrangement as part of the marriage of a maiden. It appears that the sages later set officials amounts for the Ketuvah. Jewish authorities disagree on the issue of if the Ketuvah is indeed required on a Biblical level. Rav Ovadiah Yosef holds that it is certainly a rabbinical concept.

As we learn deeper into Ketuvot we will see why such a thing exists, how it was used, and how much money she is entitled to if her husband passes away or divorces her. For now, it is worthwhile to note that the Ketuvah is not just financial security but also stated the obligations that the husband had to his wife during marriage: to provide food, clothing, and marital intimacy.

Today the Daf brings an amazing incident:

A certain man came before Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi and said: My teacher, I just married and engaged in intercourse but did not find blood afterwards.
The bride said to him: My teacher, I am still a virgin.

This incident was during years of drought. Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi saw that their faces were dark due to malnutrition. He instructed his attendants to bathe them, feed them, and give them drink. Then they took them into a room, and the groom engaged in intercourse with her and found blood. Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said to him: Go enjoy your wife.

Rabbi Yehuda realized that poor health can impact the ability to perform proper intimacy. Once properly fed, bathed, and rested, the young couple was able to fully consummate their marriage.

While the chief problem 2000 years ago was not enough to eat, today we have a problem of having too much to eat. Men and women in modern times need to be aware that their physical form and fitness impacts their ability to be a proper partner to their spouse. Marital intimacy is written in the Ketuvah, which is based on the arrangement mentioned in the Bible, maintaining your own personal health and fitness is vital to a successful marriage.

Back on Daf 2 we mentioned that virgins would marry on Wednesday so that if there were any claims about her virginity they could go to court on Thursday. Today the Gemara asks what kind of claims the suspicious groom is making.

If he claims the bride had certainly lived with a man before, and the circumstances are such that this must have taken place during the engagement (when they are considered married), then the groom is effectively claiming she committed adultery. He is saying that she is now forbidden to stay with him as a wife, as a woman who commits adultery cannot go back to her husband.

Now, the court might not believe this man’s claim unless there is some sort of corroboration. One of the reasons we want this matter taken to court is that with publicity, witnesses may come forth to testify that they saw the woman go into a compromising situation, or that they knew she was a horseback rider, which can have similar effects.

However, the man has made his new wife forbidden on the basis of his certainty that she betrayed him. This is an example of the concept in Jewish law known as “shavya anafshe haticha d’Isura” or he makes something forbidden to himself. While the Bible gives us many restrictions, we are allowed to further restrict ourselves, for example a man can ban himself from drinking wine or beer, or require himself to give charity.

If a man believes his wife had cheated, no amount of explanation or discussion will make him stay with her. To a great degree, men create our own world through our words and reactions to events. When a man has interpreted reality to be a certain way, it is hard to talk him out of that.

Be aware of what you tell yourself. If the messages in your internal dialogue are that you cannot accomplish certain things, that becomes a reality for you. If you are telling yourself (or are in a situation where someone else keeps telling you) that you are a failure, you will become a failure.

On the same theme, if a man thinks a certain job or sport or woman is out of his league or reach, then this limits his reach. Be cautious of limiting yourself through your own thoughts and words, they may not reflect your objective capabilities.

The Talmud lists the seven special blessings or “Sheva Brachot” we say at a wedding and a wedding feast during the week of celebration. One of these is “Cause great joy to these loving friends, as You gave joy to Your creations (Adam and Eve) in Eden in ancient times.”

Wonderful, Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, could any couple be more happy than that?

Adam and Eve were only in the garden of Eden for a few hours, not even a day, when the original sin ended that ideal situation and brought death and curses to the world. Then Adam blamed Eve, she blamed the snake, and their relationship experienced a major setback.

So why should we bless newlyweds with that?  The Baal Shem Tov said that whatever problems the first couple had, they knew that they were truly the appropriate partner for one another. They were originally part of one body, and there was no one else.

When you look at your spouse as your true spouse, you out more energy and effort into working out whatever goes wrong. Things do go wrong, but if someone starts looking for the exit every time, it won’t work.

This is not to say that conventional Judaism endorses soulmates, see Talmud Moed Katan 18. There, the Talmud bring a teaching that you can get engaged (the first stage of marriage) during the middle of a holiday, since another man may marry your intended bride first. While we do have a sort of soulmate, it can be changed through prayer. Modifying your life situation and personality also alters which person would make an appropriate spouse. The Rambam writes that while we do have inclinations towards certain types of people, the idea of one specific soulmate is incompatible with free will.

However, soulmate or not, once a person is married, they should pretend no one else exists.

Today the Gemara debates how many blessings mentioning creation of man we say. Perhaps two, since both man and woman were created, or one, since according to one teaching man and woman were originally created as one body first then separated.

The Gemara says that according to that teaching, we can still say two blessings on creation, since originally God planned to create two beings, and in the end created one body. Now God doesn’t change His mind, so this phrase is to teach us something.

I have heard from my rabbis that this means you have to know who you are as an individual before you get married. Realize your own goals, strength, and weakness. Work on clarifying what you want out of life. That is the only way you will have a clear idea who you want to share your life with.

A man who knows his own values will know what to look for in a wife, someone to help him in his own mission and to complement him where he is lacking. A very successful marriage is built from two individuals who have worked towards finding themselves before they tried to find a mate.

But once you marry, become one, unite in one mission, and keep in mind that friction is normal and can be overcome.

The Talmud mentions that everyone knows what the bride and groom do after the wedding, but someone who speaks about it is defiling his own mouth and changing his own blessings into curses.

This is a deeper idea than just avoiding explicit discussions or jokes. Marital intimacy is a wonderful gift from our Creator. Humans could have been designed to lay eggs instead. Reducing it to a dirty joke is rejecting the blessing God gave us.